One for the blokes!

Lauren Derret - 9 Mar 16

Can I start this blog by acknowledging that I am fully aware not every birth has a mum and dad in attendance. I understand that in our wonderfully diverse world the birth dynamic comes in many different forms. Single mummas, same sex couples, mums who choose to birth with a mother/sister/doula. But for the purpose of this blog I am focusing on the male/female, mum/dad birth team.

Yesterday I attended a workshop called ‘Teaching Men About Birth’. The workshop was being taught by Mark Harris, founder of Birthing 4 Blokes and author of ‘Men, Love, Birth’.

When I first saw the workshop advertised I thought ‘yea I can teach men about birth, it’s what I do (alongside teaching women obvs), what’s new to learn here?’

I sat in a room full of birth worker women completely transfixed by this one man. No he was not Channing Tatum nor Brad Pitt (is Brad still a thing?) but this man had us completely hooked from his first word. He spoke with more swears than me which instantly relaxed me, almost like ‘ah he’s one of mine’ but also with a very deep and profound message, not easy to intergrate swears when talking about the masculine/feminine dance. There was also a lot of talk of Orgasm which he managed to pull off (pardon the pun) without a hint of pervy old man, again, not easy.

So, did I learn anything new about how to teach men about birth?? OH MY DAYS, did I ever!!

Now, I’ve done my Doula training, with a women (big shout out Maddie from Developing Doulas) and I’ve done my hypnobirth training with women (big shout out Dany and Tamara from The Wise Hippo) and although they covered the dads role at birth and how we can teach and support them, as with anything involving the opposite sex, it’s hard to interpreted exactly how to talk on their level unless it’s them explaining to us how to do it. So, hearing from Mark in his own words from a male perspective, talking about what men may feel about birth, may need from birth and how we as birth workers can better prepare them for birth, it felt more tangible somehow.

As a birth worker, although I spend time on my course talking about the expectations from the dads, I now feel, I’ve not given enough time to them. This birth is a moment in time for BOTH the parents and by really understanding the importance of dads being present rather than participating will not only enhance the experience it will give their relationship a whole new dymanic that’ll last long after the birth has happened for years to come.

I learnt that men and women learn differently and so to teach them from a feminine perspective we run the risk of Dad not hearing it as he would have had we taught it it how he needs to learn it.  Women respond to positive affirmations, men respond to challenge. And now knowing this, I can adapt my teaching in a way that your fella will ‘get it’. When teaching about the importance of birthing environment, this clip from YouTube will grab your fella’s attention and give him a real sense about the importance of the birthing environment.

Mark went on to share with us some words that men have used when describing birth to him;

“Left out’

“Powerless”

“Emasculated”

Isn’t that sad 🙁 when we think of birth we spend a lot of time protecting the mothers emotional state, it makes sense, it’s happening to her right?

But any decent human being knows that it can often be harder to be the one watching a loved one going through something hard than actually just doing it ourselves, how many times do we hear people say “I’d do it for you if I could”, “I’d take the pain away if I could”? It’s becasue we don’t like to see others ‘suffering’. When men see their woman in labour it can seem like she needs saving and he know’s he can’t do it for her, that’s hard to deal with unless adequately prepared in how he can best support her and make their journey easier.

Imagine the impact on a relationship post birth…..

You could have a couple who understand the importance of birth connection, in it’s truest, strongest form, the kind of connection that makes it easier, shorter and more of a joint experience as a couple, a family. Who have worked together during pregnancy finding their way to fix their connections in time for birth, so come the time of birth, she feels listened too, she feels like her fella is present and with her.

And then you could have a couple who didn’t understand the importance of connection and considered the birth was just the mothers alone, she senses that dad feels out of his depth and she worries more about him being protected than her birth. In hospital, a testosteone saturated environment full of gadgets and control, it’s only natural that a mans attention could be drawn away, he stops being present to starting to participate in all the goings on in the room, leaving mum feeling unsupported.

For birth to become a joint experience (which it is, albeit not a physical one) it needs joint participation, and for men to feel empowered in supporting their woman at birth they need to be taught in a way that they understand!

And that is what I leant, and what I learnt I’m excited to include into my birth preperation course in a big way.

(Gotta also add, since getting home from the course yesterday, I view my own husband in such a different way, I already feel as though I better understand him and his, sometimes really fu*king annoying and un-understandable actions!! This stuff is not only for birth, it’s for your relationship too – Tools for life my friend)

Lauren Derret

I’m Lauren, mum of 4 humans, each with their very own birth story. Red wine drinker, keen blogger, trash tv watcher and pretty hard core potty mouth! But, with a good heart and a passion for setting lovely women like you onto a path towards a positive birthing experience, and we’ll have fun doing it; always a bonus! I teach The Wise Hippo Birthing Programme and am a Doula Uk recognised Doula

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