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One Size Doesn’t Fit All

1
When Selfish Mother put a call out for thoughts on teens I knew I wanted to share my experience of supporting autistic teenagers, in particular my work with post 16 boys.

’It’s really hard work dealing with autism.’
’It’s less rewarding as they never really bond with you.’
’Teenage boys are hard enough at the best of times, let alone them being autistic!’

I’m not sure these comments actually came from people with a huge knowledge of autism, or if they even knew someone autistic, they were just comments that I’d read online. I did have

SelfishMother.com
2
to consider their points though, we all know that a teenage day is usually filled with constant hunger, mood swings, friendship worries, inability to wake up before midday and a lack of emotional stability. If a ”regular” teen found it hard to deal with the complexities of life, how would someone who struggles with communication, forging relationships and building trust on a daily basis?

I’d worked with autistic children before, mainly 11-13 years old, and completed courses with the Autism Education Trust. Although the training and constant reading

SelfishMother.com
3
helped, nothing would really prepare me for what I encountered in this role. Everything I read seemed fine on paper, let’s face it, most literature on ”how to parent” sounds great when you read it, but then you apply it to your child! Within days I knew that I wasn’t accounting for the individual. To be honest, I felt nervous about the best way forward. I didn’t know where to start.

My first session began with a young man whose health care plan had labelled him with every ”problem” available, it was three sides of A4 long! I decided to put the

SelfishMother.com
4
paperwork to one side and start by trying to get to know him. This wasn’t going to be easy as offering information to a stranger really wasn’t part of his plan! The first session he pretty much ignored me, a few shrugs were all I got. After a couple of weeks he volunteered to show me some of his Minecraft. This was brilliant, he’d  given me the key to unlock more! Autistic people have found Minecraft a valuable communication tool, for a start you don’t have to look people in the eye and can interact with others who probably understand you better
SelfishMother.com
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than most.

After a month of working with this young man, I began to realise that he was much more emotional than he’d been given credit for. Once I’d tapped into his passion for gaming I sensed a shift in his body language, I knew he was beginning to feel understood and accepted. I’d read so many times that autistic people struggle to believe you have good intentions, or wonder why you would be interested in them. The progress I had with him contradicted that in many ways.

Over the months, my relationship grew very strong with this student. He

SelfishMother.com
6
was clearly struggling with more than his autism, there were obviously other things happening in his life that were causing him stress. He was severely on the spectrum and would regularly upset others with his short temper, rudeness and frustration. I’d been working with him for 3 months, one to one, before he told me the depth of his worries. As it is so personal I’ve decided not to write what the nature of his concern was. All I can say is, he broke his heart when he told me. He absolutely sobbed and was utterly lost. All I wanted to do was hold him
SelfishMother.com
7
but I obviously wasn’t allowed to do that in my education role. He also would have struggled with a hug as he found touch very invasive. With the information he’d given me I began working closely with his Key Worker and he was assigned a Social Worker. We would be able to help him, but the journey would be an incredibly long one.

In the course of this academic year I became pregnant. I was very sick for the first 16 weeks and was signed off work. I constantly worried about the impact it would be having on my students, in particular the young man I

SelfishMother.com
8
had built such a relationship with. Autistic people generally don’t deal well with change and having their routines broken can often see them regress. Also, a lot of my students were vulnerable young people with difficult backgrounds. I knew that my presence provided a stability that a lot of them weren’t getting at home. I knew that colleagues would be stepping in, but it still made me feel uncomfortable.

The first day I returned, the only students that were really pleased to see me were the autistic ones. As I entered the building and walked down

SelfishMother.com
9
the corridor I heard a massive shout, ’Jennie’s back!’ That came from the young man I have talked about. If that’s the voice of a young person that apparently can’t engage, well, I’m confused. He was smiling all over when I saw him and asked me how I felt; was I better? It was an absolute joy to see him, and that’s when it really dawned upon me, we’d developed a relationship… apparently, something that autistic people find very hard to do.

What that year taught me, in particular, was the reality of a label. We label ourselves, conditions and

SelfishMother.com
10
others, probably more than we realise. This young man was clearly autistic, but he was also so much more than that. Being a teen can be really shitty, life is hard and they don’t have the coping mechanisms that we have as adults. I try, everyday, to remind myself that the teenagers around me will probably be struggling with something, and are not likely to verbalise it to the adults in their life.

By the way, I get updates from his Key Worker and this young man is doing incredibly well, he is most definitely on his road to

SelfishMother.com
11
happiness.

 

’Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.’ Dalai Lama

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- 16 Aug 16

When Selfish Mother put a call out for thoughts on teens I knew I wanted to share my experience of supporting autistic teenagers, in particular my work with post 16 boys.

‘It’s really hard work dealing with autism.’
‘It’s less rewarding as they never really bond with you.’
‘Teenage boys are hard enough at the best of times, let alone them being autistic!’

I’m not sure these comments actually came from people with a huge knowledge of autism, or if they even knew someone autistic, they were just comments that I’d read online. I did have to consider their points though, we all know that a teenage day is usually filled with constant hunger, mood swings, friendship worries, inability to wake up before midday and a lack of emotional stability. If a “regular” teen found it hard to deal with the complexities of life, how would someone who struggles with communication, forging relationships and building trust on a daily basis?

I’d worked with autistic children before, mainly 11-13 years old, and completed courses with the Autism Education Trust. Although the training and constant reading helped, nothing would really prepare me for what I encountered in this role. Everything I read seemed fine on paper, let’s face it, most literature on “how to parent” sounds great when you read it, but then you apply it to your child! Within days I knew that I wasn’t accounting for the individual. To be honest, I felt nervous about the best way forward. I didn’t know where to start.

My first session began with a young man whose health care plan had labelled him with every “problem” available, it was three sides of A4 long! I decided to put the paperwork to one side and start by trying to get to know him. This wasn’t going to be easy as offering information to a stranger really wasn’t part of his plan! The first session he pretty much ignored me, a few shrugs were all I got. After a couple of weeks he volunteered to show me some of his Minecraft. This was brilliant, he’d  given me the key to unlock more! Autistic people have found Minecraft a valuable communication tool, for a start you don’t have to look people in the eye and can interact with others who probably understand you better than most.

After a month of working with this young man, I began to realise that he was much more emotional than he’d been given credit for. Once I’d tapped into his passion for gaming I sensed a shift in his body language, I knew he was beginning to feel understood and accepted. I’d read so many times that autistic people struggle to believe you have good intentions, or wonder why you would be interested in them. The progress I had with him contradicted that in many ways.

Over the months, my relationship grew very strong with this student. He was clearly struggling with more than his autism, there were obviously other things happening in his life that were causing him stress. He was severely on the spectrum and would regularly upset others with his short temper, rudeness and frustration. I’d been working with him for 3 months, one to one, before he told me the depth of his worries. As it is so personal I’ve decided not to write what the nature of his concern was. All I can say is, he broke his heart when he told me. He absolutely sobbed and was utterly lost. All I wanted to do was hold him but I obviously wasn’t allowed to do that in my education role. He also would have struggled with a hug as he found touch very invasive. With the information he’d given me I began working closely with his Key Worker and he was assigned a Social Worker. We would be able to help him, but the journey would be an incredibly long one.

In the course of this academic year I became pregnant. I was very sick for the first 16 weeks and was signed off work. I constantly worried about the impact it would be having on my students, in particular the young man I had built such a relationship with. Autistic people generally don’t deal well with change and having their routines broken can often see them regress. Also, a lot of my students were vulnerable young people with difficult backgrounds. I knew that my presence provided a stability that a lot of them weren’t getting at home. I knew that colleagues would be stepping in, but it still made me feel uncomfortable.

The first day I returned, the only students that were really pleased to see me were the autistic ones. As I entered the building and walked down the corridor I heard a massive shout, ‘Jennie’s back!’ That came from the young man I have talked about. If that’s the voice of a young person that apparently can’t engage, well, I’m confused. He was smiling all over when I saw him and asked me how I felt; was I better? It was an absolute joy to see him, and that’s when it really dawned upon me, we’d developed a relationship… apparently, something that autistic people find very hard to do.

What that year taught me, in particular, was the reality of a label. We label ourselves, conditions and others, probably more than we realise. This young man was clearly autistic, but he was also so much more than that. Being a teen can be really shitty, life is hard and they don’t have the coping mechanisms that we have as adults. I try, everyday, to remind myself that the teenagers around me will probably be struggling with something, and are not likely to verbalise it to the adults in their life.

By the way, I get updates from his Key Worker and this young man is doing incredibly well, he is most definitely on his road to happiness.

 

‘Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.’ Dalai Lama

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