Open Letter to my Future Son and Daughter-in-laws

Harriet Shearsmith - 28 Sep 15

Dear future daughter and son in laws,

You might be a bit concerned about this letter, after all there are so many around that are derogatory towards you, how could you not be? If I were in your position I would be concerned too. This is not going to be a derogatory letter, this is not going to put you in your place or tell you about my shot gun (obviously that last part is only aimed at you dear son-in-law because, you know, gender stereotyping and all.) This letter is to tell you what I hope our relationship will be and how I think we can grow it into something absolutely wonderful.

I adore my kids, and I think they are the most amazing little people on the planet, but I don’t think they are perfect. In fact, I have no illusions that they will grow up to be perfectly imperfect just like the rest of us. Like you. I’m promising you that I’m not going to be that obnoxious woman who expects inhuman perfection from you, because I believe my darlings to be inhumanly perfect. I don’t. I expect you to do your best, I expect you to fall short and I will love you all the more for it because it will help my children grow into the people that I hope they can be – compassionate and realistic.

I know you will probably expect to find me stood at the door, weighing up your failings, but I’m not going to do that, god knows, I’ve had it done to me and it sucks. I want you to know that I’m intending to be an impartial viewer on your relationship, after all, it’s not mine and I’m not going to stamp my feet and demand to be consulted – feel free to close the blinds on this viewer and have your privacy.

When it comes to your wedding (or lack there of) I would love for you to let me be involved, let me know what is happening, but I will respect your choices and decisions. I promise you that I am not going to badger you for grandchildren, details of proposals or information about how you intend to spend your lives with my children. I would love grandchildren and I would love to see my children get married but that is because it is something I truly wanted for myself, I’m open enough to respect that that may not be the path your life is taking you down, and if that is the case, then I wholeheartedly want you to know that I will respect your choice, and the choice of my child to join you on that path. You won’t hear ‘It’s him/her that is stopping my child from having that wedding I know they want’ or ‘Well, I know he/she would have children now if it wasn’t for so and so…’ after all, I’m going to raise my kids to have a voice, and if your choices aren’t right for them, they will tell you, I won’t have to.

If you do decide to have children, I promise I’m not going to infringe on your choices. You might choose the exact opposite of me, but guess what, that’s your choice and as your mother in law I refuse to be cast as the over-bearing woman desperate to grasp a do-over with her grandchildren. I don’t need a do-over, I’ve had my children, and these are yours. I will be here to love and support you and my grandchildren, I will suppress that mother’s urge to offer unsolicited advice but I will be only too happy to offer every ounce of myself should you ask. It’s on you.

So, future children-in-laws, please don’t write me off as the enemy because society likes to paint me as such, give me a chance. Give me a chance to be the awesome mother in law I hope to be and promise not to let you down.

Harriet x

Harriet Shearsmith

My name is Harriet, I am a mama to three wonderful kiddos, living in the North of England - though I'd really rather be in the South where things actually happen. I am a serious purveyor of all things boutique or stylish for children and I have a fundamental need to share this obsession with people on my blog Toby&Roo. I'm addicted to costa caramel lattes and chilli - though not at the same time, obvs. Oh, and I sometimes use the term obvs... sorry about that.

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