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Our job is not to create perfect children…

1
Have you ever wondered if it is nature or nurture behind the steering wheel? Attachment parenting would have you believe that your mothering is entirely responsible for how your baby turns out. This idea can paralyse some mothers with guilt and doubt and fear.

It may be a relief to hear that your baby’s temperament and personality is 50/50 nature and nurture.
Scientists have discovered genes for stress resistance, insecurity and reaction to trauma. You can’t change these things any more than you can change your baby’s eye colour.
For example,

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you might end up with a baby who doesn’t sleep much and cries easily, it’s not your fault. This is no indicator of a poor mother. Psychologists have found that one in five babies are what is known as ‘high reactive,’ This relates to the sensitivity of the nervous system. High reactive babies don’t just notice dangerous things, they notice everything, and for them the world is impossibly stimulating.
No matter how many books or experts out there tell you how to teach your baby to sleep more or cry less there is only so much you can do. You are
SelfishMother.com
3
not a failure, and putting in effort doesn’t mean you can change your baby.
On the other hand I don’t want to think that your baby’s temperament preordains their future, it’s 50/50.Do your best and work hard. But always keep in mind that your baby is not a blank canvas to be painted into whatever you want them to be.
The good news about this is that you can make mistakes. It’s ok to learn on the job and indeed it’s best way to learn. Author Naomi Stadlen write about this process of uncertainty.
 “If she feels disorientated, this is not a
SelfishMother.com
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problem requiring bookshelves of literature to put right. No it is exactly the right state of mind for the teach-yourself process that lies ahead of her. Every time a woman has a baby she has something to learn, partly from her culture, but mostly from her baby. If she really considered herself as expert, or if her ideas were set, she would find it very hard to adapt to her individual baby. Even after her first baby she cannot sit back as an expert on all babies. Each child will be a little different and teach her something new. She needs to feel
SelfishMother.com
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uncertain in order to be flexible. So, although it can feel so alarming, the ‘all-at-sea’ feeling is appropriate. Uncertainty is a good starting point for a mother. Through uncertainty, she can begin to learn.”

Read your baby, not a book. Having a go and making mistakes is an inevitable part of developing the unique mothering skills your baby wants from you. Your child is an independent human who wants your respect, and you can be a facilitator, not a control freak. Do your best, forgive yourself and love your baby for who they are.

Your job

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as a mother is not to create perfect children, your job is to love them anyway.
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- 2 Sep 14

Have you ever wondered if it is nature or nurture behind the steering wheel? Attachment parenting would have you believe that your mothering is entirely responsible for how your baby turns out. This idea can paralyse some mothers with guilt and doubt and fear.

It may be a relief to hear that your baby’s temperament and personality is 50/50 nature and nurture.

Scientists have discovered genes for stress resistance, insecurity and reaction to trauma. You can’t change these things any more than you can change your baby’s eye colour.

For example, you might end up with a baby who doesn’t sleep much and cries easily, it’s not your fault. This is no indicator of a poor mother. Psychologists have found that one in five babies are what is known as ‘high reactive,’ This relates to the sensitivity of the nervous system. High reactive babies don’t just notice dangerous things, they notice everything, and for them the world is impossibly stimulating.

No matter how many books or experts out there tell you how to teach your baby to sleep more or cry less there is only so much you can do. You are not a failure, and putting in effort doesn’t mean you can change your baby.

On the other hand I don’t want to think that your baby’s temperament preordains their future, it’s 50/50.Do your best and work hard. But always keep in mind that your baby is not a blank canvas to be painted into whatever you want them to be.

The good news about this is that you can make mistakes. It’s ok to learn on the job and indeed it’s best way to learn. Author Naomi Stadlen write about this process of uncertainty.

 “If she feels disorientated, this is not a problem requiring bookshelves of literature to put right. No it is exactly the right state of mind for the teach-yourself process that lies ahead of her. Every time a woman has a baby she has something to learn, partly from her culture, but mostly from her baby. If she really considered herself as expert, or if her ideas were set, she would find it very hard to adapt to her individual baby. Even after her first baby she cannot sit back as an expert on all babies. Each child will be a little different and teach her something new. She needs to feel uncertain in order to be flexible. So, although it can feel so alarming, the ‘all-at-sea’ feeling is appropriate. Uncertainty is a good starting point for a mother. Through uncertainty, she can begin to learn.”

Read your baby, not a book. Having a go and making mistakes is an inevitable part of developing the unique mothering skills your baby wants from you. Your child is an independent human who wants your respect, and you can be a facilitator, not a control freak. Do your best, forgive yourself and love your baby for who they are.

Your job as a mother is not to create perfect children, your job is to love them anyway.

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Julia Jones believes that birth is not only about making babies, it's about making mums too. She is the author of Nourishing Newborn Mothers - Ayurvedic recipes to heal your mind body and soul after childbirth. You can the first chapter free. http://www.nourishingnewbornmothers.com/ She is also the creator of a free pregnancy video course to guide pregnant women to peace and joy in motherhood. http://www.newbornmotherssanctuary.com/

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