Parenting Books – friend or foe?

Sarah Wheatley - 12 May 15

I recently found myself interested in a radio discussion about parenting books, and whether they help new parents feel more confident. There was such a range of opinion, with many people phoning in with stories of parenting books helping them one way or the other. It reminded me of how my husband used to tell me: “Bin the books! They only make you feel good when you feel good. But when you feel wretched, they make you feel worse. ”

And I think that this is a fairly good assessment of parenting books as a whole. They can be both really useful and also really damaging for new parents and their confidence. It’s not that the people writing these books aren’t experts, but that they are not experts on your baby.

And there’s the rub. There are two levels of expertise at play here, and when you’re desperate for some answers as a new parent, it can be difficult not to realise that there is a difference. The people who write parenting books (and I say this as one who would like to join their ranks!) are experts in their fields.

They might be incredibly knowledgable about current research on feeding techniques, or bonding, or the best positions to give birth. But YOU are the expert on you and your baby. YOU know when something feels right or wrong during birth. YOU know when your baby’s cry is different to normal. YOU know when they have fed more than they normally do. It doesn’t matter when the books tell you that they should be having a growth spurt/ developmental phase – YOU know when they are.

And that is why the same parenting book can be useful AND damaging at the same time. Because if what the book is saying suits you and your baby, you will feel more confident. And if you read advice that doesn’t suit you and your little one, there is a danger that you might think that you have ‘got it wrong’ rather than that that advice might not be right for you.

For sleep-deprived new parents, managing a whole new phase of life, the desire to find a path that will give us some sense of control can override our ability to realise when we’re not being given the right advice. And we can end up blaming ourselves, rather than the books.

It can be really difficult to filter through the vast amount of advice we are given as new parents, and the books are no exception, so here are some useful questions to ask:

1. Do I like the person who is giving this advice? Chances are if you don’t like them, you won’t trust them to know what’s right for you or your baby. Many mothers find that they get advice from health professionals who they feel don’t really care about their concerns (or are too rushed to give them the time they need), and then feel bad for not wanting to implement it.

2. Do I trust that their information is up to date? Your mother might be desperate for you to get a good night’s sleep, but she might not be aware that giving babies a bottle of milk with a bit of rice in it to keep them going through the night isn’t widely recommended any more. If you have a hunch their their advice is from the 1950’s, or even just a decade ago, maybe it’s worth checking for yourself.

3. Do I feel OK about the idea of implementing this advice? Research shows that parents who don’t think they should co-sleep but end up co-sleeping, have worse sleep than parents who decide to so-sleep from the outset. Although the research doesn’t go into the reasons for this, I wonder whether parents who find themselves doing something that they don’t want to do because they think they ‘should’ have a harder time than those who do what they would like to do. If you don’t want to do something, it makes it much harder to carry on doing, than if you really believe it to be the right thing.

4. Do I think this is working for me and my baby? OK sometimes we know that we have to do things we don’t want to, but if you feel as though something goes against you or your baby’s temperament, then you’re likely to be right! If your baby doesn’t like change, then suddenly implementing a strict routine sounds like a recipe for disaster. And if you have a baby who is pretty biddable, you can probably get away with a lot more flexibility than someone with a baby who likes things to be very constant. If you feel at sea with ways to understand what your baby likes and dislikes, you can spend some time observing your baby to find out more about what might work for them.

If you think that the advice is well-intentioned, up-to-date, and suits you and your baby, then you might want to think about it. But if you have any doubts, bin the books and take the advice with a pinch or two of salt. You may want to look elsewhere!

Sarah Wheatley

Counsellor, wife, mother, bee lover. Lives beside the sea in Edinburgh. Works with pregnant and new parents to help them not just cope but thrive.

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