Parenting Tips From Trump

Rebellious Mum - 9 Nov 16

The dream of the first female American president is over and against all odds, the racist, sexist megalomaniac that is Trump has swept to victory in the White House. Goodbye to cool, level-headed, decent Barack Obama. Hello to The Donald – impulsive and prone to temper tantrums, he often says things he shouldn’t and relies on his parents financially. Much like any toddler, really. So if a man this stupid and inexperienced can become the most powerful man in the world, what can we parents learn from his techniques?

Here are some parenting lessons, Trump style.

1) Keep it simple, stupid
When you want your kids to do something, don’t waste time with polite requests and rational explanations. You need simple slogans. Just as “Lock Her Up!” and “Drain The Swamp!” manipulated hordes of simpletons into bending to Donald’s will, parents should try “Coat, Shoes, NOW!”, “Wipe your BUM!” or “Go To BED!”. Three words should be the max. If it doesn’t work, try chanting your slogan over and over, as if at a Trump rally, while doing fist pumps and whooping. Job done.

2) Throw a tantrum
When things aren’t going his way, Trump gets mad. He makes threats, waves his tiny hands about and stamps his feet. When your toddler is doing the same in the toy aisle at Tesco, play them at their own game. Nothing shocks a child more than when Mummy removes her shoes, lies face down on the floor and shouts “NOT BUYING IT! NO NOT NEVER EVER POO-POO HEAD!” followed by hysterical screaming. As you’re escorted out by security guards, you’ll feel just like Trump being bundled off stage by the Secret Service in Nevada.

3) Bullshit like crazy
Trump has always been somewhat vague about facts. He often tells outright lies. If it’s good enough for the President Elect, there’s nothing wrong with parents being economical with the truth now and again. “Father Christmas is watching…” can be a very effective technique to quell bad behaviour. And when kids ask a difficult question, like “What is death?”, or “How can Father Christmas see me and how does he get round every house in the world in one night?”, just give any old bullshit answer you like. Donald does it all the time.

4) Throw away the script
As Trump is fond of saying at his rallies, he doesn’t believe in teleprompters. Instead, he musters all his eloquent powers of speech and improvises. So at bedtime, instead of faithfully reading aloud all 32 pages of “Happy Birthday Peppa”, do as Donald does and just make it up. Any crap will do, interspersed with exciting words like “Bigly” and “Braggadocious”. Using Trump’s technique, I’ve managed to reduce this book from a 20 minute saga to 2 minutes of flash fiction. Et voila! Lights out, goodnight and God Bless America.

5) Build a wall
OK, so you’ve tried everything and anarchy has broken loose. Like Trump’s plans for the Mexican border, you need to Build A Wall. Pull together the armchairs and a coffee table, bolster with all the cushions you can find, and lob a handful of Lego over the top to deter tiny feet. Then hunker down behind your new, toddler-proof barrier where you can scoff Minstrels and binge-watch Netflix to your heart’s content.

So whenever you feel like a failure and a fraud, please remember this: you are doing a very important job with zero training and are responsible for people’s lives. So is Donald Trump. And if he can wing it, so can you. Just ask yourself “What Would Donald Do”? It might not be right. It might not be PC. But it might just get results.

©Rebellious Mum 2016

Image credit: composite by Rebellious Mum using images from The Lego Group/cjmacer/shutterstock.com  

Sadly, Donald Trump Lego figures do not exist. Yet…

Rebellious Mum

"I'm an Art Director, Writer and Mum of two girls – one aged 4 who's on the autistic spectrum, and one aged 21 months. I’ve changed thousands of nappies, breastfed for four years solid, and seen every episode of In The Night Garden. Twice. But they will never crush my spirit. I am Rebellious Mum – hear me roar! Quietly though, the kids are asleep." Read more on my blog at rebelliousmum.com or find me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @rebelliousmum

View profile for posts, events and more info