Parenting without a parent

Milly Orde - 14 Feb 19

I was 16 when my mum died. The big C. Two years of treatment which sadly didn’t work. I am now in my thirties riddled with anxiety, a sprinkling of depression, a husband, a beautiful daughter and dog that will love me even when my IBS flairs up and I’ve got more wind than a field full of cows. The fear of losing everything is alarming.

So how has grief affected me and my parenting?

I find the intrusive thoughts terrifying, exhausting and sometimes I just tell them to fuck off in complete irritation, but it makes no difference. I can’t help but think that when I hit 48, I will be diagnosed with the big C and I won’t see my daughter grow up and I won’t be there when she gets married or has her own baby, I will leave my husband, my daughter and my dog behind and they will struggle as much as I do.

The moment I find myself relaxing and start enjoying life, I suddenly panic and think something bad will happen, so the anxiety slowly creeps back up. In my head, I must be hyper vigilant at all times just in case something bad will happen. I have this irrational belief that if I worry, I can plan for every eventuality. I bloody love a plan.

When I am with my daughter, I worry about lots of little things (is she happy? Is she sick? Am I sick? What should we do tomorrow? Am I doing a good job? Does she love me?), sometimes I am so distracted by those thoughts that I am not really concentrating on what we are doing. I find it very difficult to ‘live in the moment’.

I overcompensate for the fact my mum isn’t here. I feel as though I need to spend all my time with her.  The only time when I feel guilt free is when she is asleep! As a consequence, a couple of months ago I felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted, and when my husband walked in I just cried, the ugly snotty crying where you can’t catch your breath?! That was me! So he took our daughter for 2 nights and I just stayed at home and I just watched tv, ate delicious food and drank wine. My batteries were re-charged.

However, what I didn’t realise is that every few weeks/months I go through a terrible mental health blip, where I am over come with sadness, like a bit black cloud hanging over me. I never know what the cause is, but I feel sad and frustrated. Frustrated because I want my mum here to help me. Frustrated because I need her here to reassure me and tell me I’m doing a good job.

I hate asking for help, it brings me out in hives. It doesn’t matter whether it’s my husband, or a family member, and I wouldn’t even ask friends – whether they have kids or not the guilt just picks away at me. I’m not sure whether I’ve glorified it, but I always imagine if my mum was here, she would just come over uninvited and help, small things like doing the laundry or emptying the dishwasher.

I have had years of counselling, tried anti-depressants, and my most current venture is CBT.

This is by far the most challenging, it requires me to focus on emotions I try and push away. For someone who pushes away intrusive thoughts, being made to talk about painful memories is AWFUL! I’ve always hated crying. After suffering from a depressive episode where I actually couldn’t stop crying, I now try and avoid extreme emotion at all costs, I avoid sad films,sad adverts, I turn them off! However, I am slowly realising that crying really does release emotions and confronting intrusive thoughts head on is so fucking hard, but it is worth it.

To anyone parenting without a parent – you’re doing great, keep winging it!

Milly Orde

Just bumbling my way through motherhood...making mistakes, drinking gin and eating cheese!

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