PLAYGROUND ANTICS

MAMA SNOWBEAR - 7 Dec 17

When my son started school at the ripe old age of 5, I
Whimsically imagined that it was a new chapter he would be entering alone. How very wrong I was, SO wrong.

I spent most of his first year in a state of shock and panic– with the realisation dawning that I was, effectively, going back to school too, back to” THAT “playground. Overnight, and whether I liked it or not ( Not! I really, really did not!), I was immersed into the confusing dynamics of the school playground, that I’d previously been extremely relieved to have long since left. I was hated by many schoolgirls back in the day , because I was “THE” skateboarder chick that hung with all the dudes they fancied and boy did I get grief for it. Not that I had a care in the world back then thank goodness. Best thing that happened to me was college and university that’s where real people happen.

Fundamentally, I’m quite reserved. So initially at drop-offs and pick-ups I did what I’ve spent my adult life doing: I just passed people bowing my head, murmuring a hello if need be with a slight smile. Given that I’ve been known to U-turn or duck into doorways to avoid having to talk to people I’ve bumped into in the street, I felt like that was enough and reasonably polite (YES! I’m an awkward freak ha, my bad).

The school gate can be intimidating and lonely. There’s a lot of that “will they like me?” stuff and why are those two blonde chicks constantly staring at me?, do I have jam on my face or something, nope, check WTF…
Then I realised it wasn’t, by any stretch. Because guess what? It’s not just about me any more. When your child is four, you are the gateway to their social life and I began to realise how unfair it was to inflict my antisocial tendencies on my very sociable son. There was no getting away from it; it was time to make some friends, OH SHIT.
By then, though, it was too late. Looking around the playground, all I could see was a wave of little cliques – none of which I was part of.
It was enough to make my FOMO (fear of missing out – to which I have been chronically prone since growing up as I have always been an eager beaver) move into overdrive: some parents were routinely picking up other people’s children and having nice little chin wags on the playground or “Mother” dates with the kiddies winks.
How were they so friendly so quickly? Why did that dad ask most of the class to a party – but not us? How could those three women be such great mates that they’re already going away for the weekend when I barely know anyone’s name?
I remember feeling a little invisible (my son blithely oblivious, I might add) when one mum asked the woman standing directly beside me if she wanted to join them in the park after school – but she didn’t acknowledge me or my son nor did she ask us, how rude? Perhaps or perhaps not?.
See? Back to school.

It turns out, though, that I’m not the only one to feel like this. Mother-of-two “MA MA BEAR” as we will call her for this article was so fascinated by what she witnessed when her children (now 15 and 12) first started school that she wrote a Starting School Survival Guide.
‘Sometimes the school gate can be intimidating, and sometimes it can be lonely,’ she says. ‘There’s a lot of that “Will they like me?” stuff you might have thought you’d got over by the time you were an adult.
There isn’t any such thing as a mum clique; it just looks that way from the outside or does it?
‘And yes, it can sometimes seem as if others are all making friends and getting into cliques, without including you. Nevertheless, this isn’t true most of the time. Ok maybe a little, because there are blatant groupies no offence guys I’m sure you are all lovely.

‘Don’t forget the school playground will contain new parents and not-so-new ones. Those with older children will already know each other and so they can seem cliquey. People gravitate towards each other because they know they’ll have something in common, but I honestly don’t think they mean to be unfriendly.’
And we do have to remind ourselves, she says, that it’s not your sole responsibility to run your child’s social life; a fact that will become clear over the years they’re at primary school. In fact, I think my children actually have a far more social and active life than me, long gone are those days of binge sleeping and partying all night. jeezz I cant even hack a full night away these days.

If you do want to make friends, though,  the key is to be proactive. ‘Be friendly and confident – break into conversations and suggest coffee or Earl grey tea if you’re anything like me. And joining the PTA (Parent Teacher Association) can be a good way for you to get to know other parents just watch out for the power house.

What I began to realise, by talking to other parents at the school gates, is that almost everyone has their fears and doubts.
I went out for a meal with the other mums and had just been finishing my last exhibition for a show I recently had and they where more than happy to sit and converse with me. So why is it some mums just don’t and some just like to fight on the playground or stare at your eyeballs till they threaten to fall out? I mean come on I am not going to steal your husband (I have my own) nor am I going to paint your children pink I enjoy doing that to my own…just kidding.
The bottom line is that some people aren’t looking for new friends.

‘The woman I sat next to clearly thought I was cooler than her. She’d been a barrister and I could see she was downplaying what sounded to me like an incredible career. I realised they were just as terrified of me as I was of them.’
Being open-minded about the type of people who may become you’re mummy friends is helpful. ‘I’ve revised my view over the years and I’m constantly surprised by who I enjoy talking to.
There’s one woman I met who doesn’t work and is quite different to me, but I really like her and she has become a mate a great friend.

One thing she does caution against is going into the playground with guns blazing, determined to be universally popular. ‘It’s a bit like university: in the first year, you’re friends with everyone. By the third year you’ve found your real friends.’
Making friends can be easier for the children than the parents
Still, one thing everyone agrees on is that it’s vital to be as approachable as you can muster.
‘If you want to make friends at the gate, you have to be nice and smile, and remember which parent goes with which child,’ says journalist Esther Walker, author of The Bad Mother. ‘It’s just a question of whether or not you can be bothered.
‘There isn’t really any such thing as a mum clique, it just looks that way from the outside,’ she says, adding that some parents can seem unfriendly because they’re busy or stressed.
But the bottom line is that some people aren’t looking for new friends, she cautions. ‘The child they’ve got in the same class as yours might be their third, so they may be over making friends at the school gates.

‘And some people are just snobby. I’ve had heartbreakers where I’ve had a huge mum-crush on another school-gater and thought, “Oh God, we’re going to be such good friends”, and they’re simply not interested.’
A few things have helped. I started go on morning walks with a couple of mums. I wasn’t trying to make friends, but when you’re huffing and puffing , conversation tends to arise: friendship by stealth, winning.
But the main thing was just time passing. Two years in and I’ve realised our children are a big symbiotic group, and so are their parents: we are in this for the long haul. OH BALLS…. so its nice to be nice right.

On the final day of last term I even managed to have someone else trust me with her child whilst arranging a mate date? It felt like the beginning of something beautiful I mean its only been a little over 2 years ha but some mums are nice and I’ve found just randomly starting conversation actually opens up the doorway to normal human conversation, so beat that self critique with a stick and just say hi to someone I’ve found its helped.

MAMA SNOWBEAR

Mother of 2,Artist ,creator,blogger and illustrator who enjoys lots of tea and the occasional glass of malbec :)

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