Please, don’t judge us. We’re doing our best.

Leona Petch - 24 May 16

Pre baby (or toddler as I should probably call him, given that he’s now walking & babbling) I was guilty of judging parents. I was the person who would sigh loudly when your baby cried in a restaurant. I was the stranger who would, not so quietly, ask why on earth you would bring your baby to do the weekly food shop when all he did was scream regardless of how much unpaid for food you tried to bribe him with (freshly baked supermarket baguette anyone?). I was the one who would raise my eyebrows when your child had a tantrum in public & you gave him the toy he so desperately wanted to avoid a grade-A meltdown. Quietly (& on some occasions, not so quietly) I was judging you. Naively, I presumed that I would be a ‘better’ parent, that I would get it right, that my baby would sleep, that he wouldn’t have tantrums, that he would happily travel in his car seat, that he wouldn’t be a picky eater, that he would ‘self soothe’ (whatever that means), that I would never shout or get angry. People I knew who had babies seemed to manage ok, friends on Facebook always posted pictures of their blissful lives & content children, I’d read the books – I would get it right. How hard could it be?

Turns out I owe all the parents a pretty big apology – parenting is hard. Not just running a marathon hard, relentlessly hard. Every day. The little people are a constant challenge & just when you think you’re onto a good thing they change & throw a thousand new challenges your way. Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore my baby (toddler!) & would move heaven & earth for him, but on some days I would much rather pack my suitcase & move to a the outer Hebrides for a week than endure another high chair wrestle.

This is why I’m writing to you. The ones without the tiny humans, the ones who think it’s easy, the ones who think we (the parents) are ballsing it up and making it hard work, the ones who think they could do better. We are all doing our best. When you see us losing our marbles because our delightful little angel is throwing their dinner up the wall (the dinner we spent hours making because we want to be the parent who home cooks all of our children’s food) or if you see a shattered mum driving around the block 50 times with a sleeping baby in the car seat, please don’t think you could do better, please don’t judge us. You might naively think your baby will eat your lovingly prepared dinner or that they will happily nap in their cot because you’ll do it differently, because you’ll do it better, because you’ll do it right. Guess what? There is no right and wrong. We are all just muddling our way through from day to day, trying to do our best. We don’t need to be made to feel like we are bad parents by people who compare us to others or simply can’t understand that things don’t always go to plan.

The stories you hear from your friends with the perfect baby, the blissful pictures you see on Facebook, the adverts on TV with smiling, happy children and glossy haired relaxed mums are only 5% of our day (in my case the glossy hair bit NEVER happens!). The rest of the time we are trying to wash poo out of our hair, we are chasing a toddler around the house who has torn off his nappy and wants to wee everywhere, we are trying to stop the dog eating the poo covered nappy, we are wiping food off our walls, we are kissing bumped heads & trying to avoid temper tantrums. We are generally trying not to go completely insane, while trying to be good (even just ok) parents. When you tell us about your friends with the perfect baby or you raise your eyes heavenward when our baby has a meltdown, remember this. We love our children so much that it hurts, we desperately want to do our best, we are trying our hardest, we already feel guilty about not being as good as we believe we should be. Your judgement makes us feel crap. We deserve better.

So next time you see a mum struggling or you think you could do it better, check yourself. Give that mum a hand or in the very least smile at her. Please don’t judge, please know that you might not be able to do any better & please don’t compare her to the unrealistic stereotype that you believe exists.

Thank you.

Leona Petch

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