PND, in the depths of despair…

samantha meakin - 12 Jun 16

So… six years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy called Louis by C-section. I was 22 when I had him (quite young) but I felt prepared and ready to take on all the challenges of motherhood. I looked forward to finding out what it was like to have a little person dependent on me and was counting on me to make great mummy decisions!

I had a full time job, working with teenagers with learning disabilities, so one baby would be a walk in the park…RIGHT???

I pictured myself as a real ‘mumsy mum’, the sort that get on your nerves when you go to mother and baby groups! I was well prepared and had a detailed birth plan (which went nothing like the birth!) The excitement I felt building up to the birth was immense!

After going through a traumatic C-section (not responding properly to the spinal block and being put under) I woke up with this baby who looked nothing like I had imagined and just didn’t feel like mine. I asked the consultant if he was SURE they’d given me the right baby. I hadn’t actually seen him being born’ so I thought it might be some kind of mistake. Of course in my birth plan I had said I wanted to breast feed. I wanted to do everything perfectly but then I found myself lying there with this midwife telling me he was crying because he was hungry. I needed to try and let him latch on. At this point it felt like she was asking me to breast feed an alien. I said could she give him a bottle but then she reminded me of my birth plan. FUCK THE BIRTH PLAN, I thought, but instead I said “Ok put him on”.  I’d had a spinal anaesthetic and I didn’t have any physical resource left so it was perhaps no surprise that it didn’t happen and he ended up having a bottle.

That night in the hospital I remember feeling very sore and tearful. I hadn’t felt a rush of love, I was bottle feeding and I was in a room on my own with Louis. This surely wasn’t how it was meant to be? Two days later my mum took me home and she said she knew something wasn’t right. When I settled back in, my feelings towards Louis didn’t change. I really would have sold my soul for someone to come and look after him – just so I wouldn’t have to feel that awful sinking feeling. I couldn’t bring myself to bath him. I didn’t want to change his nappy – in fact I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I had what felt like a big thick cloud over my head.

After a few weeks things weren’t improving, if anything they were getting worse and my mum had taken me to A&E after I told her that I didn’t want to be here anymore. At this point I honestly thought Louis would be better off without me.

I was scared of everything. I couldn’t eat and couldn’t get out of bed for more than a few minutes. I kept crying. If I caught a glimpse of Louis I’d have awful thoughts that drove me crazy. The hospital was fantastic –  as was my doctor. I was diagnosed with PND and given tablets. My mum took time off work to look after Louis and I tried my hardest to get better and be a good mum. I had a wonderful psychologist  who came around every week to see me (this went on for over a year).

But there was no quick fix and these feelings didn’t go away quickly. I literally had to force myself to get up in the mornings and do ‘mum duties’.  I didn’t visit mother and baby groups as I couldn’t face all the other fantastic mums who had it all together. Days felt like years as I just wasn’t sure how to connect with Louis. I spent hundreds of pounds on the latest toys because I felt it compensated for the fact I was struggling to love him. I was paranoid that he would know that I hadn’t been the one looking after him for all those early months.

I found it hard to talk to friends and family and avoided baby talk with anyone other than my mum and professionals.

Looking back it was such an awful time and life didn’t seem to feel ‘normal’ for what felt like an eternity. My mum and Louis’s other nana did a lot of the looking after, I would go to work and think of how much easier it would be not to have to go back home. I still feel ashamed when I look back and hear myself say these things. But then when Louis was about two something just ‘clicked’ and I had that rush of love that I had hoped to feel. Slowly but surely things worked themselves out and I’m incredibly proud of the bond me and Louis share – he is my best friend and I love him so much.

By the time Louis was 18 months I had met a new partner after things hadn’t worked out with Louis’s dad, obviously the thought of having another child scared the hell out of me but he had no children and I desperately wanted to give him the experience of having his own child. After being together for three and a half years, I gave birth to another beautiful baby boy who is now 16 months. I was closely monitored but thankfully I suffered no PND!

Below is something I had written during the depths of my PND, maybe someone will be able to relate to how I felt.

I’m scared to go to sleep, I’m scared to wake up,

I hate looking in the mirror, some days I haven’t the energy to give a fuck,

My mind never stops, my heart never rests,

I panic all the time, I’m never at my best.

And when I get some solace it never lasts for long,

There’s always that black cloud from which anxiety springs from.

I try and imagine my future, then it dawns on me,

I may never be free from this curse that lingers,

Anxiety.

This time my whole experience of being a new mum has been different and amazing. Motherhood has been such a journey of ups and downs for me but I feel truly blessed to have two gorgeous boys!

samantha meakin

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