PND & Me

Lynsey Robinson - 12 Oct 17

Post Natal Depression.

There…I’ve said it. It’s not something I ever talk about but I’ve been inspired by the brave stories from World Mental Health Day & so I’ve decided to try to write about my own experience of the mental health battle.

PND is not something I ever expected to happen to me. But then, I don’t suppose anyone ever does expect something like that do they? I’ve always suffered with low self esteem & social anxiety which stems from being bullied as a teenager about the way I (or specifically, my body) looked. I was one of the unfortunate girls that developed early & boy, was I made to feel bad about it. Funnily enough it was only the girls that ever made nasty comments to me, the lads just left me alone. Of course, they may have been talking about me behind my back but I was completely oblivious to it.

So, back to the point…

Despite having self esteem & body confidence issues I never expected to actually get depressed. I can’t honestly say at what point the depression started but I suppose it crept up on me in the first few months after my daughter was born. I’d struggle to get enthusiastic about anything. I’d start to try to find any excuse to avoid social situations. I didn’t go to any mum & baby groups because what could I possibly have to talk about with a stranger? I barely had anything to talk about with my husband when he got home from work. I avoided seeing friends because I couldn’t understand why they would want to see me.

I was finding motherhood hard. Really hard.

“I bet no one else finds it this hard. I’m such a failure. My daughter is so unlucky having such a failure for a mother…”

I specifically remember that we were due to go to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night. Baby had been dropped at granny’s & both my husband & I were all dressed up ready to go. Then suddenly, I couldn’t do it. The thought of going to a party & socialising filled me with absolute dread. At that moment I couldn’t think of anything worse. I broke down & told my husband that I wasn’t going. I think that’s when it hit me – that something wasn’t right. A full 7 months after giving birth I realised that it wasn’t supposed to be like this, that I wasn’t supposed to be like this. The weight of the black cloud that I carried round on my back was too heavy. I was drowning under it. I needed help.

My husband has always been amazing with me. Goodness knows how he puts up with me. I disappear into my own head for days on end & he just patiently waits it out, waiting for me to reappear. He is my rock. There’s a quote from Alice in Wonderland that sums him up more perfectly than I ever could:

“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark ”

After the birthday party incident I didn’t get help straight away. It took almost a year before I was had the courage/desperation to talk to my GP. When you’ve wondered what it would be like to drive your car really fast into a wall, it makes you sit up & take notice.

My GP was wonderful. She listened to me intently, prescribed a very low dose antidepressant & referred me to a counsellor that specialised in female mental health, specifically PND & PMS. With the help of these 2 wonderful ladies (& our truly marvellous nhs) I began to feel better. I only stayed on the medication for a couple of months before I felt strong enough to go it alone. I saw my counsellor several times over the following year & kept a ‘mood diary’ at her request.

Eventually, as things began to get better & better, we came to the mutual decision that I didn’t need to see her again. A month later I fell pregnant with my second child.

My post natal depression thankfully never repeated itself after the birth of my youngest daughter. However, it’s never far from my mind. My head is no longer full of black, but I’ve been left with a certain level of anxiety that I have to deal with on a day to day basis. Some days I wake up feeling anxious & nauseous & I don’t really know why. I have suffered occasional panic attacks over the last 5 years, but they seem to be few & far between now.

If my depression has taught me anything, it’s not to judge. We just don’t know the personal struggles that each & every one of us is going through. Be kind. Always. No excuses.

I love my children with ever fibre of my being, but my eldest daughter is the biggest daddy’s girl you’ll ever meet. Whether she’s happy, sad, excited or poorly it’s always daddy she wants. The rational part of me realises that some kids just gravitate to one parent rather than the other. However the irrational devil that sits on my shoulder wonders whether somewhere, deep, deep down inside her, it’s stamped into her soul that for the first 18 months of her life maybe I didn’t give her everything she needed. Maybe I was too busy being a zombie. And the little piece of my heart that ponders this will always & forever be a little bit broken.

#endthestigma
#itsokaynottobeokay

Lynsey Robinson

Mother to 2 small girls & 2 fur babies. Full time business owner. Juggler! Wine lover, rock music lover, eyeliner lover. Potential to be a mad cat lady.

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