Promises to my newborn daughter

Helen Kitchener - 11 Apr 17

Have you heard the one about the girl who dressed up as a hot dog? Not the opening to a bad joke but the true story of a little girl who turned up to her dance class on ‘Princess Day’ wearing a hot dog costume.

Online photos of her went viral and her decision to be different drew admiration from thousands of internet users.

I have been thinking about the girl in the hot dog costume. I have also been mulling over Disney Princesses, pink baby clothes and dolls. Oh, and Donald Trump.

Because since I gave birth to my second child, a daughter, three months ago, the idea of what it means to be a girl has taken on more profound meaning.

As every parent knows the first weeks of your child’s life are intense – a wonderful, daunting time when you dream about the man or woman they might grow up to be and how as their parent you can help to shape and guide them.

I was totally unprepared for the anxiety I felt about bringing up a daughter. I may have had survived teething, potty training and toddler stand-offs with my son but now I felt a complete novice.

I am hyper aware of what messages the toys she will play with, the films she watches and stories she reads will give her about her identity as a girl.

I blame Donald Trump. My daughter’s arrival on the planet coincided with the billionaire businessman becoming the American president. Snuggling up to her, watching his inauguration I felt sad. As her life was beginning so too was the presidency of somebody who had been openly misogynistic. Don’t girls of her generation deserve better?

It is important my daughter (likewise my son) knows she can be whatever she wants to be and it seems in 2017 her gender makes that more of a challenge.

How do I make sure she is empowered enough to follow any career path she wants (even traditionally ‘male’ ones), to ask for a pay rise if she finds out she is earning less than her male colleagues and not worry about people judging her on her looks?

It seems faintly ridiculous to be worrying about all this when her days consist of pooing, sleeping, feeding and smiling. But as I navigate my way through the early days of her life as a girl I have made a few personal resolutions to aspire to. Perhaps I will look back and smile at my naivety but they reflect how I feel right now in my idealistic, head-over-heels in love state.

-I will introduce her to princesses with brains

At a fancy dress party our three-year-old son attended recently all but one of the seven girls there came as Elsa from Frozen. The other dressed as Beauty and the Beast’s Belle. I have wondered whether to embrace Belle and co. or worry what these fantasy role models are teaching my daughter. (The likes of Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty who are only praised for their looks and had to be rescued by men before they had their happy ever after.)

I plan to take a leaf out of my friend’s book who talks to her daughter about why characters such as Princess Fiona from Shrek and Merida in Brave are great because they are clever, funny and strong.

-I will give her dolls and diggers to play with

I have already been guilty of making lazy assumptions about what my daughter’s interests will be– while having a clearout I put a train set and fire engine my son had grown out of in the ‘donate to charity’ pile, thinking my daughter would not want to play with them. I quickly ticked myself off and stored said train set and fire engine away for her when she is older.

LEGO ran a fantastic ad campaign in the 80s featuring a girl, without any mention of the fact she was a girl or the colour pink. It seems toy marketers have gone backwards somewhat with the new LEGO Friends range aimed at girls which focuses on play acting, not construction and has pink packaging.

-I will think carefully about the language I use….

I will stop labelling assertive girls bossy, because it is a word with negative connotations and I have never referred to a boy as bossy. I heard in a radio interview that Nicole Kidman, has banished the word and instead describes her daughters as “showing leadership skills”.

While I am at it I will not tell my son to stop crying “like a girl” or, even worse to “man up”.

….and the clothes I buy

A popular online video I watched recently features an 8-year-old girl comparing the slogans on girls and boys T-shirts in a supermarket.  The girls T-shirts have, “Hey!”, “Beautiful,” and “I feel fabulous.” emblazoned on them. For the boys it’s: “Desert Adventure Awaits,” “Think Outside the Box” and “Hero.” The young girl tells the camera: “Everyone thinks girls should just be pretty and boys should just be adventurous. “Why should boys and girls clothes even be separated? We’re just as good as each other.”

-I will encourage her to learn life skills

I hope my daughter does what I did and learns how to replace a tyre, fix a washing machine and change a fuse. Not ‘men’s jobs’ but life skills for anyone who wants to drive a car and move out of home. So pretty much everybody then.

If she wants a pink bike, a Disney Princess lunchbox I won’t complain. As long as she knows she can still be an engineer or surgeon when she grows up and is not afraid to go her own way.

In a world full of princesses I hope she has the self-confidence to be a hot dog.

Helen Kitchener

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