SAHM vs Daddy

Kerry Thompson - 24 Jul 17

I’m loosing my battle. Daddy is the winner. He triumphs in all areas, my superpowers not strong enough. Sometimes when he’s away working, The Mothership is fully equipped, organised, fun and life is good. My boy hugs me, tells me he loves me. We have adventures, picnics, so many picnics! We paint, play and I start to feel him come back to me but it’s hard on your own. I can’t play with him all the time, lots of jobs to do and before you think it, they do wait, the mess does pile up and my evenings are stolen from me while I chase my tail. But when Daddy walks through the door from his ship, hand to puffed out chest, a confident smile and cape flapping and hands on hips I know in my heart that as Drew runs towards him that Daddy has his, and my heart is broken.Every single time. The Mothership closes for business for four weeks until required to reboot as Daddy returns to work.

Daddy, Drew and I used to be a team. Somewhere along the last year we stopped playing as one. Daddy and Drew make the best team alone now.  I am the sub. Sitting, watching on the sidelines folding washing, making food and twiddling my thumbs with eyes full of tears while I watch their relationship flourish. I have never known sadness like it.

I say to Daddy, “I feel like you don’t notice me anymore”. The days when he is home are my saddest. I maintain the team but the fun, affection and intimacy is reserved for the boys only, and before you think it, I do try to join in, I try to be silly. Drew gets cross. “Mummy you can go now”, “mummy I don’t want you”.

Daddy walks past me, feels like through me. The same way that people do when asking “what do you do?”, “I’m a full time mum…” they move on swiftly with a head tilted nod to the next person for a more exciting, validating answer. With each answer, I slip away into the backdrop. I become translucent. I’m sure my son, my husband, my new friends are happy to have me on the team but they forgot about me along the way and I forget myself and I slip away watching the glory and wishing desperately wishing that I was a part of it. 

Kerry Thompson

I am a 36 mother if one three year old boy. Drew. I have been married since Dec 2009 to Scott who is a marine engineer, which means he works away from home 4 weeks at a time. Not forgetting my little ship tzu called Maggie. My only female Comrad! I am a full time mummy. Partly due to Scott's Job and mostly because three months aft having Drew I suffered a ruptured anyeursm resulting in a brain haemorrhage. I didn't return to work I have spent the last 3 years recovering and learning to be a mummy. I do however have a degree in education which I passed with first class honours. I received my degree after my haemorrhage. My aim at the time was teacher. That was then, this is now. I decided to write on here as sometimes I feel a bit lost. My son is in nursery now and I'm facing the predicament of "what do I do" if I'm not being a mummy what do I do, I can't return to my previous job. I hope someone reads my words.

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