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School Selection Sadness

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It’s the eve before we find out which school my first born baby has gotten into, my baby. Yet he isn’t my baby, he is growing up and he is doing it fast. Way too fast.

Since giving birth to him four years ago I have chewed my husbands ear off about which school to send him to, not because I have overly high standards or because I want him to be some sort of child genius. No. It is actually because I don’t want to send him at all. I don’t want him to be away from our family for five days of the week, I don’t want him to miss out on our family

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day trips.

Ultimately I don’t want to face the fact that he is growing up. It is true that he needs me less, he wants me less, in fact he actually wants to go to school. Each week he excitedly asks if this is the week he starts Reception. He is ready. I helped make him ready. I taught him how to read basic words, how to sound out the letters, how to write his name. I did everything that I felt I should do to prepare him for this day. And he is ready. So why do I feel so not ready?

I feel emotionally ill prepared to open that email in the morning

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and read the words of the school that he got into. In typical motherhood style I have spent the time preparing my child for school, emotionally and physically, yet have spent no time preparing myself.  

There is no good or bad result tomorrow, all of the schools that we selected are wonderful schools. I do not doubt he will love every second of his schooling life and the emotions that I feel will pass, the same way the emotions I feel each year my children grow older do. But this evening I won’t be hard on myself, I won’t tell myself I am being

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ridiculous or over sensitive. I won’t feel bad tonight for not wanting my first baby to grow up. I won’t be told I am being selfish wanting him home more, or be told he is ready for school, he needs school. 

No, tonight I will just allow myself to feel how I feel with no judgements. I will put it out there for everyone to hear – I don’t want him to get in to any school, I want them to tell me it’s a dream and he’s still only a baby. That I am getting ahead of myself and I still have the time to discuss this dilemma with my husband. Time

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please just slow down and let me catch my breath. 
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- 15 Apr 19

It’s the eve before we find out which school my first born baby has gotten into, my baby. Yet he isn’t my baby, he is growing up and he is doing it fast. Way too fast.

Since giving birth to him four years ago I have chewed my husbands ear off about which school to send him to, not because I have overly high standards or because I want him to be some sort of child genius. No. It is actually because I don’t want to send him at all. I don’t want him to be away from our family for five days of the week, I don’t want him to miss out on our family day trips.

Ultimately I don’t want to face the fact that he is growing up. It is true that he needs me less, he wants me less, in fact he actually wants to go to school. Each week he excitedly asks if this is the week he starts Reception. He is ready. I helped make him ready. I taught him how to read basic words, how to sound out the letters, how to write his name. I did everything that I felt I should do to prepare him for this day. And he is ready. So why do I feel so not ready?

I feel emotionally ill prepared to open that email in the morning and read the words of the school that he got into. In typical motherhood style I have spent the time preparing my child for school, emotionally and physically, yet have spent no time preparing myself.  

There is no good or bad result tomorrow, all of the schools that we selected are wonderful schools. I do not doubt he will love every second of his schooling life and the emotions that I feel will pass, the same way the emotions I feel each year my children grow older do. But this evening I won’t be hard on myself, I won’t tell myself I am being ridiculous or over sensitive. I won’t feel bad tonight for not wanting my first baby to grow up. I won’t be told I am being selfish wanting him home more, or be told he is ready for school, he needs school. 

No, tonight I will just allow myself to feel how I feel with no judgements. I will put it out there for everyone to hear – I don’t want him to get in to any school, I want them to tell me it’s a dream and he’s still only a baby. That I am getting ahead of myself and I still have the time to discuss this dilemma with my husband. Time please just slow down and let me catch my breath. 

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My pre-kids biographical information would have read: Paediatric Nurse, Bsc (Hons) Psychology, PgDip Nursing. Current biography goes something like this - long distance wife to an offshore husband, stay at home Mummy to 3 in 3 years, solo parent for 7 months of the year!

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