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Seeing Red – Why I’m ANGRY at PND
There is one that resounds over them all – ANGER. I am ANGRY at PND. I have to search deep, to allow myself to acknowledge and experience it, but I cannot deny it is there.
For many months of my illness, I have been angry in all the wrong directions.
Over the past few months, I have come to realise that my anger is vastly
I love this quote, I think it’s just as applicable to anger, as resentment:
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
Nelson Mandela
However, in order to be able to let go of anger (or resentment) you have it face it head on, dealing with why and how you really feel. Otherwise you might as well leave the drink on
Why am I angry at PND? Because it is a THIEF and a LIAR.
Liar
PND had lied to me. It has caused me to believe all sorts of untruths about myself, my abilities and who I am as a mum. Before my little son was even one minute old, it had me questioning how and if he actually belonged to me – despite having carried him for 9 months. That was not a fleeting feeling, it tortured me for months on end, almost to breaking
It had me believe that I did not love him, that I was incapable of ever loving him and nothing would ever change, no matter how hard I tried.
I have assumed that I ”missed the mum gene” and was destined to be miserable, and useless, on my journey of motherhood forever. I have hated myself and everything about me, even things that I used to like.
I have lived under a cloud of shame and blame for over two years, wrongly believing that of this was my fault or some sort of punishment, which I deserve. The lies have been so strong, so vivid, so
Thief
PND has stolen from me. It has taken away my hopes and dreams of motherhood. It captured and destroyed my pregnancy and the first 2 years of my little ones life. I missed out on properly bonding with him; breastfeeding; fun and enjoyment; meeting other mums; finding new friends, making memories; and generally having any joy in the new role, which I had graciously been given.
It has stolen ”me”, I have lost myself completely and ended up utterly
Most terrifying of all, on a number of very dark occasions, I have almost been defeated in the war with PND and lost my very life itself.
Unlike the analogy of the ’thief in the night’, creeping around in the dark and the shadows, PND has been ’as bold as brass’. It has stood openly, in
But no more. I am angry at PND, furious in fact. But it will not have the last word. I will not allow it to win. I accept that I am angry at it, with every right. I will process that anger, I will allow it to have its day, but it will not consume me.
PND is a liar and a thief. It has taken too much from me already. It might have won many battles, over the last 3 years, but it will not win the war. I
It won’t be straightforward, nothing with this illness is.
It won’t be without its ups and downs but I am ready to fight.
Fight I can, and fight I will. Now that I know I don’t do it alone, it’s power is greatly diminished. I have family, friends and a wonderful PND community with me every step of the way.
You’ve done your worst PND, now it’s time for mine! And yes, that is fighting talk.