Should I stay or should I go? The affair aftermath.

Ali B - 8 Feb 19

19 days ago, the unthinkable happened. I found out my husband had been having an affair. The shock hit me like a freight train, the disbelief, the horror that I was one of those women. The woman you never want to be, never thought you would ever be. Yet there I was, slowly being drip fed the most horrific details of betrayal I never thought the man I married, the father of my children, could ever be capable of. The lies were the hardest to cope with, each time I thought I knew everything and more would be unearthed.

The saving grace for me was that I wasn’t alone. Because the affair partner was the partner of his friend. A couple who have similar age children to us, whom we would have dinners and play dates with regularly. His friend and I were in the trenches together- and I am so thankful that I am not alone in these dark times because his support has been everything – but also it meant greater power because our ability to confer meant we have a clearer picture of the infidelity, there is nowhere for them to hide.

The affair was purely physical, but in a way I find that harder to deal with because he risked everything for an ego stroke. She went after him, and he was weak. His remorse is evident. I know he loves me, but that makes it harder to understand.

They say the key to overcoming infidelity is to understand how circumstances within your marriage could have contributed to your partner being vulnerable to it. And I get it. I do. I’m not to blame but we got complacent. We have a 2 and a 3 year old, we both work full time which means there is precious little left at the end of the day for each other. He suffers from depression and anxiety. Sex had gone out the window because we were exhausted and I was struggling to come to terms with my post kids body, we would bicker about chores and it felt like we weren’t on the same team anymore. I could have been kinder to him. I should have been kinder to him.

I’d read blogs from other people in the thick of the early years of parenthood and I knew we weren’t alone and I thought we’d get through it. And to be honest I felt like we were just coming out of the other side. Our youngest had just hit 2 and I had some surgery before Christmas to fix some postnatal issues, and I feel so much better now. Little did I know, it was already too late.

It’s a grieving process. Because what we had, and the life I’d imagined for myself and my family is now gone forever. It will never be what it was regardless of which way I go, I look at him and I don’t recognise that person, he’s not the person I married. I struggle to see a future where I will ever feel proud to be his wife, there will always be a black cloud over us, our marriage will always be tainted.

The question now is whether that is something I feel I can live with. Do I make a decision for myself or for my children? They say if you’re on a plane and it’s going down you should put your mask on first before you help your children. But that’s easier said than done – because they are everything and I’d take a bullet for them every single time. Right now that bullet looks like me trying to swallow this most bitter pill, to be a woman I never thought I’d be, to be a woman who stays.

Ali B

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