SHOUT LESS, LOVE MORE

Site Default - 9 Jan 15

It’s taken me four years to crack this how-to-discipline-your-child-when-they’re-screaming-at-you business.

I’ve read copious amounts of (mostly useless) parenting books, watched Super Nanny like a hawk (and been tempted to sign up for her show), tried out the naughty step, bought a star chart, resorted to (mainly chocolate) bribery, threatened to take away favourite teddies, driven past the police station as a warning…you name it and I’ve probably done it. And I’ve still failed miserably.

Usually, when faced with a mini meltdown or an overtired outburst, my first reaction is to shout back. Get angry. Let my blood boil. I find it so difficult to stay calm and to not get mad. After all, previous to having my own children, I have had no experience in dealing with angry little ones (unlike the mothers who have teaching or nannying under their lucky belts). Plus, lacking in the common sense department doesn’t help.

But over time I’ve learnt that shouting back at your kids gets you nowhere. And one recent incident just goes to show this…

Since starting school back in September, my eldest son has been having a lot of exhausted meltdowns. (When people warn you about how shattered your child will be in the first term, they’re not wrong.)

Post-school he often lets out some ‘I’m-so-hungry-and-tired-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing’ rage. I’ve found this increasingly difficult to cope with, especially since it occurs almost daily. Often he gets to the point where he is gasping for breath, because he’s so overwhelmed with his emotions, and starts lashing out on me and his younger brother. When I scream back, send him to his room or implement another type of discipline, it just makes things worse.

Then, the other day, he was fuming because his little brother was deliberately blocking his view of the TV. This turned into a full-blown fight with thumps, kicks and the sort of screeching that rattles your ear drums. It was horrible to see so much irateness and frustration come out of such a tiny soul. His anger had reached another level, but exhaustion after a long day of school and football club was no doubt to blame.

Instead of raising my voice though, as I normally would, I just hugged him. And, despite his shouts and wriggles to get away, I carried on wrapping my arms around him. I clung to him.

After a while his protestations subsided and he hugged me back, so tight that it brought tears to my eyes. This was exactly what he needed: love and reassurance that I was there for him.

So now, when either of my boys is uptight and taking it all out on me, I talk to them calmly, I listen and, most importantly, I love. And, so far, my simple method seems to be working.

Maybe it’s time to bin those how-to-tame-your-tiny-terror manuals and just reach out and give them a hug?

We could call it the ‘Hug it out method.’

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Fiona Pennell lives in the Cotswolds with her husband and their two boys, Jack, 6, and Otto, 4. A former YOU magazine sub-editor, Fiona now spends her days being trampled on, going on slug hunts and dreaming of lie-ins. (Twitter: @fiona_pennell)

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