Shout, Shout… Let It All Out

Anniki Sommerville - 2 Mar 15

What did your parents do to discipline you when you were little? What kinds of things did they have in their parenting tool-kit? Did they scream? Wallop you on the bum in front of a crowd? Throw you over their shoulder and cart you off to your bedroom where you sat crying until you got bored of it? Did they send you to bed with no pudding?

I’m asking because my parents did all of the above. Not all at the same time (that would have been really mean) but at different times. They mixed up their discipline approaches. Experimented. Threats usually involved treats being taken away (food) or TV (‘The Wombles’ when I was younger and ‘Top of the Pops’ later on). Then once I reached my teenage years I got grounded. Thinking back I was probably grounded for at least a good three months of my life.

It was incredibly boring in those days to be locked in your bedroom with nothing to amuse yourself. There was no social media (not invented obviously) and my stereo was banned. I couldn’t listen to The Cure and feel sorry for myself. So I spent a lot of time feeling angry. The opening page of my diary in 1988 was all about how much I hated my Mum and wanted to ‘throw her down the stairs’ (which was a tall ambition as she’s a fairly robust and feisty woman).

Ultimately however these periods with no distraction, shut away from the world, they helped form my personality. I thought about the kind of life I’d like to lead in the future (one without mean and nasty Mums) and the kinds of boys I’d like to meet (hopefully mean and nasty ones).

And I’ve turned out quite normal. A bit neurotic. I still worry too much about what others think but I’ve never pulled the wings off a live butterfly. I’ve never punched anyone. I think the most horrible thing I’ve ever done is getting my best friend at infants school to show everyone her bum (it was a dare and I was at the age where I wanted to test how powerful I was. It turned out I was pretty powerful). Anyway I think a mix of different kinds of discipline worked for me. I had a rocky time in my late teens where I ran away to Amsterdam to join a band but I think that could have happened to anyone. I don’t think it was the lack of pudding… put it that way.

I’m not advocating smacking. I think we’ve moved on and that’s a good thing. But the vacuum left by smacking has left a whirlwind of hot air in its wake with loads of competing theories on what to do instead. Kids need to learn about consequences but it seems that the tools are sometimes vague and flimsy.

The book I’m reading at the moment (‘No-Drama Discipline,’ by Daniel J Siegel MD) says there’s a need to empathise with your child, develop a mutual understanding between the two of you and then redirect attention to something else. I tend to skim read most parenting books as I begrudge spending my precious time reading them so I’m oversimplifying (I sometimes wish someone would write a ‘Bumper Parenting Book’ and  summarise all the key theories on three pages with nice pictures of Jamie Doran next to each paragraph for light relief).

But recently my daughter has started pulling my hair quite hard when she’s worked up. In the heat of the moment it’s hard for me to think about the lesson that needs to be learnt and my instinct is to shout ‘STOP PULLLING MUMMY’S HAIR YOU CRAZY BANSHEE!’ The problem is that you’re not usually calm when you’re trying to dole out discipline. You’re in a right tizz and fuming. There’s a ball of anxiety in your stomach. You feel like lying face down in field and screaming into the dirt. It’s hard to be rational in this context and have a thoughtful and meaningful interchange.

‘You have to get the balance right between encouraging their natural personalities but at the same time teaching them to regulate themselves,’ my Mum said recently, ‘And if that doesn’t work then it’s okay to shout.’

‘You used to shout didn’t you?’ I asked, remembering all the times she’d gone red in the face.

‘Of course I did.’

‘The thing is your generation probably didn’t feel bad about it. You just shouted at your kids and got on with it.’

‘That’s not true. I still worried about it. I felt bad. I certainly didn’t feel proud. But it usually worked and I don’t think it harmed you.’

Mum doesn’t know about the infants school/best friend/bum incident and she doesn’t know most of the stuff that went on in Amsterdam either but she’s right. The shouting was okay. I didn’t like it and it was a good piece of parenting toolkit. More effective than a long-winded piece of negotiation.

I will try the softly, softly approach but there are times when I’m just going to lose it and deliver a great big VERBAL SMACK. A slam-dunk. Something that makes people gasp. Certainly where hair-pulling is concerned I need to go beyond the ‘let’s sit down and have a nice chat.’ There are times when you need your kid to take note. Get scared. I think it’s good to be a bit scared of your parents. I won’t be shouting all the time but it’s something that’ll sit nicely in my parenting tool-kit alongside the inane singing, distraction techniques and ability to change a nappy on a child that is running away from you.

And by the way I’m also writing a parenting book called ‘It’s Okay To Have A Bloody Great Shout Now and Then.’ It’ll be three pages of parenting advice and two hundred pages of nice photos of Jamie Doran. If there’s any publishers out there I’d be keen to hear from you.

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

Tweet the Editor: @Molly_Gunn

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

View profile for posts, events and more info