Sibling rivalry

Ella Harris - 18 Nov 16

Have you ever noticed how facebook is full of photos of adoring brothers and sisters, holding hands, giving their baby sibling a kiss, playing nicely together or doing a fun craft together at the table?
For me this feels a bit like looking at a photo of a “real” unicorn or a UFO sighted somewhere, it’s not something I’ve seen first hand so I’m inclined to believe it’s all lies.
I’ve had my fair share of sibling clashes over the years and the relationships between my kids is a constant source of fascination to me.
It seems like Freya and Lucas are either thick as thieves together or they’re literally trying to kill each other, I’ve always thought this was normal sibling behaviour but perhaps it’s not?
With the older 4 I saw some seriously unattractive qualities coming through as they were growing up, one of the worst I think is the person who enjoys pissing someone else off. 2 of them were particularly guilty of winding up their younger sister because she would “go mental” eventually which was really funny, so they thought. Actually when she did snap they were scared of her but they figured 2 against 1 they’d come off better.
She did used to go mad, it was one of the first things I tried to explain to a professional was not normal about her. I think most of us would admit we’ve had an unreasonable reaction to something at one point but this was every time someone so much as said something to her or even looked at her.
I remember one time catching her wrapping the hoover wire round one of their necks and just thinking “oh my god?!” I spent years explaining to her that her reactions weren’t equal to what had happened and she couldn’t behave that way but it didn’t help and neither did explaining to the other 2 that they shouldn’t wind her up and that it wasn’t funny.
My eldest always tried to bond with the next one down but they were so different it just upset her watching her sister’s behaviour and then later when she started to take her things it seemed like a betrayal of her loyalty and affection.
The second and third ones enjoyed getting up to mischief together and they made fun of the eldest for her good behaviour and success at school and tormented the younger one.
My forth one didn’t really bond with anyone, she tried to play with the others but because she was so hot headed it always ended in tears.
It wasn’t until I had Freya that I saw any sort of caring from any of them. They were 11, 12, 13 and 15 when I had Freya and they all adored her. When I had Lucas they were less impressed, it was a boy after all!
Everyone said how lovely it would be for Freya to have a play mate!
Freya being Freya much preferred the company of adults than other children and she refused to even make eye contact with Lucas until he was 6 months old. She would play with his toys but that was the only reason she went near him.
There was one occasion I’d nipped to the kitchen and he began screaming and I came in to find her trying to shove his dummy down his throat, the roof of his mouth was all cut and I felt so horribly guilty. I will never know what her intentions were, maybe she was just trying to put it back in but it was the point we realised she couldn’t be left alone with him ever.
He’s a pretty beefy boy and much stronger than her now but I still worry about them playing together because she can be so rough and doesn’t think before doing things. I’ve caught her trapping him in a quilt and sitting on his head and even trying to hold his head under the water in the bath 🙁 needless to say they do not share a room. I obviously wasn’t paranoid because there was talk about social services putting an alarm in her room so we’d know if she left the room or entered his room.
I don’t think she means to hurt people she just doesn’t seem to understand that other people feel pain or that she can hurt them. She gets so over excited and doesn’t think and she is quite strong for her size.
Her sisters are not as keen on her as they used to be, they get fed up of being climbed all over and her not listening when she’s told to stop jumping on them. It’s a shame really.
The older girls relationships have pretty much stayed the same, the middle 2 still get on well and share an interest in getting into trouble, the oldest one is a bit distanced from all of them because they are such different people and the younger one ended up moving in with her dad where she does much better as an only child, she gets on ok with the third one now due to some shared interests but it’s not an overly close bond.
If this is the way of things I expect Freya and Lucas will always have a love/hate relationship, it will be ok for him to bully her but I don’t think he’ll let anyone else get away with it!
They are both quite controlling and that leads to the rifts between them and where as she used to get away with it, now he’s got bigger he just uses his weight against her and she comes off worst.

Ella Harris

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