Small pleasures….

Mumofteens2019 - 29 Dec 18

Dear all of the mummies who write about how hard the sleepless nights, the misery of teething and the temper tantrums are. I envy you beyond words. I remember how tough it is but I would dearly love to be absorbed in those beautiful, easy years again.

I remember New Years two years ago. The excitement. The promise of new beginnings. The way my children looked to me to solve their simple childhood problems and troubles. The new house. Truly the best friends and my lovely other half.

I was hard studying excitedly towards a degree, my three children still idealised me as their mother and I had a respected mangers job. The new year held nothing but promise and excitement.

Now as I sit alone with only a few days until the start of the new year I struggle to find any positives. I have the degree but no job. Last year we ‘discovered’ the new house was built on land that had a convenance for which we are now having to fight with hefty solicitors fees as the current owners. The lovely other half is working extra hours to make up for my loss in earnings and is not in good health. Even the best friendships have changed.

The eldest now lives independently, barely making contact unless requires help or financial support. The youngest has hit the ‘grumps’ with any and every conversation ending in argument and oozing with ugly, self-confident attitude. The middle one, bless my sweet lovely middle one. A recent hideous incident has resulted in change beyond recognition. I have had to take time off work to support the days that the middle doesn’t attend school.

Alcohol is often playing too big a part in my life. Driving at speed into trees crosses my mind every-time I get behind the wheel. Sleep is precious but when it happens; glorious! I no longer attend my evening activities as I am anxious leaving the middle one unattended.

There is a feeling of being totally alone and having no one to turn too. My big sister died at 13 and my dear mum died at 58, both after years of battling cancer. The besties have different priorities in their lives, they are still the best, however, they don’t want to hear doom and gloom all of the time.

One still has to crack on. The family dynamics have changed. It is expected that I run the errands, give lifts and do jobs at the drop of a hat as ‘the one without a job’.

I constantly let my emotions run above my intelligence.

Life is running away from me. I need to remain strong for the family, I can not crack any further. I must focus on the small pleasures; the walks along the sea front, the enthusiastic welcome the dog gives me, the spontaneous hug from the middle one, the thoughtful gift from the eldest and the glimpses of the cheeky dimples of the youngest with the ‘grumps’. Small pleasures are what are important. Small pleasures must see me through.

Mumofteens2019

View profile for posts, events and more info