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Some thoughts you may have when your baby turns one
1
????
??!?!?!
??!?!??!?!?!!!?!???!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?
One? He’s not one. I just had him.
*Counts on fingers* Oh god, he’s one.
He’s got a full head of hair and he can talk. He’s definitely one.
(I mean, he only shouts ”Google Doodle” at the furniture and calls me ”Len”, but that’s talking, right?)
That means I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a whole year.
Which would explain why I look so much younger and more charismatic in these birth photos.
Remember when he was born, and they handed him to you, and you stupidly said
??!?!?!
??!?!??!?!?!!!?!???!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?
One? He’s not one. I just had him.
*Counts on fingers* Oh god, he’s one.
He’s got a full head of hair and he can talk. He’s definitely one.
(I mean, he only shouts ”Google Doodle” at the furniture and calls me ”Len”, but that’s talking, right?)
That means I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a whole year.
Which would explain why I look so much younger and more charismatic in these birth photos.
Remember when he was born, and they handed him to you, and you stupidly said
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”Oh, it’s a baby,” as though you’d been expecting a washing machine delivery instead?
Remember how you couldn’t understand that there had been a person living inside you for nine months?
Remember how much like a removed internal organ he looked when he first came out?
And also my grandmother?
Remember how small and fragile he was, like some intricate artwork made of rice paper and air?
Remember his snuffling, and his long, elegant fingers, and the tiny grunting noises he made?
*Inarticulate, maternal, hormonal oh-god-my-baby-waaah
Remember how you couldn’t understand that there had been a person living inside you for nine months?
Remember how much like a removed internal organ he looked when he first came out?
And also my grandmother?
Remember how small and fragile he was, like some intricate artwork made of rice paper and air?
Remember his snuffling, and his long, elegant fingers, and the tiny grunting noises he made?
*Inarticulate, maternal, hormonal oh-god-my-baby-waaah
SelfishMother.com
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emotions*
*Brief pause while your one-year-old charges at you and bashes you about the face with a spittle-soaked Sophie the Giraffe*
Am I a terrible mother for missing the newborn version of this?
We shouldn’t have a party. He won’t remember it.
We should have a party. I want some booze.
We should have a party featuring all the things he likes.
Wait, he only likes cardboard boxes, remote controls, heights, cords, cutlery, my phone and my boobs.
We should have a party with big foil balloons, instead.
Big foil balloons that say ”001”,
*Brief pause while your one-year-old charges at you and bashes you about the face with a spittle-soaked Sophie the Giraffe*
Am I a terrible mother for missing the newborn version of this?
We shouldn’t have a party. He won’t remember it.
We should have a party. I want some booze.
We should have a party featuring all the things he likes.
Wait, he only likes cardboard boxes, remote controls, heights, cords, cutlery, my phone and my boobs.
We should have a party with big foil balloons, instead.
Big foil balloons that say ”001”,
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4
because ”1” on its own is too lame.
Jesus Christ. A year.
That’s a year of nappies, a year of rocking him to sleep, a year of breastfeeding, a year of only showering every other day.
A year of waking up to a slightly changed baby. Smiling, laughing, crawling, standing, walking. A year of firsts.
Pretty soon he’ll stop breastfeeding. And he’ll have to go into his own bed.
It won’t be long before he’s too big to cradle.
He’s already a toddler and shedding his baby habits.
He’s already crawling away from me to explore the
Jesus Christ. A year.
That’s a year of nappies, a year of rocking him to sleep, a year of breastfeeding, a year of only showering every other day.
A year of waking up to a slightly changed baby. Smiling, laughing, crawling, standing, walking. A year of firsts.
Pretty soon he’ll stop breastfeeding. And he’ll have to go into his own bed.
It won’t be long before he’s too big to cradle.
He’s already a toddler and shedding his baby habits.
He’s already crawling away from me to explore the
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world.
I’m already missing my baby.
*Tears*
But what will the next year bring?
Reading together?
Hearing him say my name?
Splashing in puddles?
Having conversations about dinosaurs?
Pushing him on the swings?
Being told that he loves me?
And potty training?
Oh man, I’m feeling too many emotions.
I think I understand why people have first birthday parties.
Bring on the booze!
I’m already missing my baby.
*Tears*
But what will the next year bring?
Reading together?
Hearing him say my name?
Splashing in puddles?
Having conversations about dinosaurs?
Pushing him on the swings?
Being told that he loves me?
And potty training?
Oh man, I’m feeling too many emotions.
I think I understand why people have first birthday parties.
Bring on the booze!
SelfishMother.com
