Speak Up

Tetyana Denford - 27 Jul 16

In and amongst the grim photos, inane memes and celebrity non-feuds (Kimye? KanTay? I’ve lost track. They need to have a Snickers, already) that are populating social media…I’ve been finding  a fantastic thread of support and positivity. There are a hell of a lot of strong women out there standing shoulder to shoulder and giving each other digital high-fives. I’ve seen fierce photographs populated with hashtags like #askhermore, #likeagirl #mumssupportingmums, #smartgirlsask #poweredbygirls. I’ve seen girlfriends set up businesses centred around women supporting each other. I’ve seen the rallying cry of friends lifting each other up when  someone when they’ve been steamrolled flat by work, kids and husbands. I’ve seen women using their voices to care about, support, inspire and love other human beings. A whole lot of feels spinning around in the ether. 

I also recently read an article on The Pool, about people standing up for each other, and how tricky that is sometimes, because social minefields (digital or otherwise) can be incredibly hard to navigate. I thought it was brilliant.

Towards the end of that piece, there was a line that was burned into my brain instantly:

See the world as a thing you have an active stake in, not a passive responsibility to witness and endure. 

That. 

Now, take that statement and link it with being a supportive woman to fellow women/mothers? Jeez, the power. It’s like some overly caffeinated boost of HELL YES. Incredible stuff.

People that know me would probably say I’m “unafraid and ballsy, sometimes to a fault”, which is near enough to the truth. I try and use my voice for good, for knowledge, for empowerment. I’m not a martyr, I don’t like unnecessary confrontation, I try not to judge, and I try not to act righteous. I am, however, talkative and unfiltered, and my default position very often is to call out bullshit as I see it. It’s who I am, and I can’t change that. Also, my fearlessness is not mutually exclusive from my emotional centre, just like everyone else, so just so you all know I’m not a steel, unfeeling robot.

As a mother, there’s a strength in knowing that because I’m unafraid to use my voice, my kids will by proxy learn how to be socially fearless to a degree. I know that by standing up for what they want and talking to people, they’ll feed their brain with information about the world around them to lay the foundation of capability as they get older. They will always know that they have a vested stake in life on this planet and that we, as a family, are do-ers, not passive spectators.

Because of what I write about, and how I write it, I had to deal with a situation earlier this year that I will diplomatically refer to as The Mothers Circus. I watched the acrobats flutter and swing from one side to another, fanning each other’s momentum, flawlessly playing their routine to the crowds with Vaseline-lubed smiles on their faces (whilst backstage they’re bitching about the sequinned horse-rider, and how her routine was all wrong). Lots of whispering behind hands and closed doors. No one risked an actual, real-life conversation about how crazy it all was. It was very revealing, in such an ugly way. Now, I realise I can’t control someone’s response to something, that’s just how life works, and I respect that. But what I could do is control how I deal with the fallout if people aren’t behaving like adults. I had to find the positives in the aftermath; I had to do the work, I had to see what I was dealing with. Digging through that mess, I found that the most important thing was how we as women do, or sometimes don’t, support each other.

I asked myself two questions, as if I were watching it happen to someone else:

Would I stand up for a friend that’s in the centre of a mess, hurting? Always.

Is it worth time and energy to stand up for what’s right? For me, yes. Always.

My husband thinks I’m a bit naive to think that the world needs more of this. My friends think I expect too much to want people to “do more” if they can. My parents just roll their eyes. Sure, there’s some truth in those perspectives, and I totally get it. I don’t expect people to be like me, and maybe people find my attitude off-putting. To be honest, my transparency is getting worse as I get older. I’m convinced that I’ll be that 89-year old bat with blue hair and no friends, walking down the street harassing people into having heavy discussions about the state of the world. But I also think my transparency allows me to really see people and situations (for the good and the bad).

I’m far from perfect, and I can do so much better as a friend, a mother, and a human being. I’m trying my best. But I’m kind and strong and determined to fight for good things, and I’m convinced I’m not the only one out there that’s like this. There are loads of women out there that have beautiful, loud voices but that are encouraged to stay quiet for a more manageable life. I like the voices, I like the passion. Ever think what it would feel like to hear a chorus of many saying “hey, I’m not cool with this, and I’m going to say something about it.” Yeah. Exactly. 

My eldest daughter and I were walking down the street the other day and we walked past a young woman going the other direction. My daughter stopped in front of her and said “Hi, I really love your dress, you look pretty.” The woman blushed, mumbled a quick ‘thank you’ and looked at me beaming, before walking away. My daughter grabbed my hand and we kept on walking. I said “that was nice of you, why did you say that?” Confused by my question, she replied, “Well, because I thought she looked pretty. I wanted to tell her that, because when you feel it you can say it.”

Altruistic tendencies aren’t exclusive to children, I think. I think we can all try and stand up more, speak up more, build each other up more, do more. 

We are more, we can be more, when we say more.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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