View as: GRID LIST
Spoon or Scotch Bonnet: Which Friend are You?
A few years ago that would have meant pity-partying at home. In the bath. In shades. With Gin. And maybe some Valium and a little Sylvia Plath for comfort, but things are different now.
Actually, I’m lying, it still totally means that but now I’m only allowed to do it for a little while. After years in the
Indeed, appreciating the oncoming *friend-tervention* has gotten me thinking about the value of those friendships.
So with all my funny, fearless tribe in mind, I’ve compiled the ‘must-have’ list of friends every woman needs and how to make them. Any resemblance to real life characters is strictly coincidental.
The Warm Mug of Tea:
The first
Warm, strong and eternally calming, she’ll sit you down, be a comforting, undemanding presence and leave you feeling better able to cope with a cuddle and a few sincere words.
The Cackler:
I don’t advocate being a bitch, but sometimes having to be endlessly kind and ‘naice’ (blah) gets bloody dull, so we all need that one wonderful mate who will gossip with impunity, leaving you screeching with completely undignified
The Spoon:
So-called not because of an ‘90’s insult, but because she is, in fact, as blunt as the proverbial. A lot of people find this character tough but I love her and you should too.
Honest to a fault you’ll always know where you stand with her. And you’ll NEVER leave the house in a skirt that makes you look like the back end of a bus – result!
The Lifelong Love:
You’ve seen one another through dodgy perms and dodgier
Despite life’s changes, you still need one another and even if you don’t speak daily, as soon as you do you are both 17 again, hating on your hard-done-by ‘rents and being the family the other one chose.
The Scotch Bonnet:
The pocket rocket who packs a punch, this friend’s energy and drive will leave you breathless, whilst inspiring you to go further, faster than you ever dreamed you could. Constantly on the go, she’s usually juggling career, kids and friendships furiously.
Usually has a sense
The Eeyore:
Endlessly kind but definitely the least positive one – and that’s a very good thing. Sometimes we all need to chill with someone who is NEVER going to utter the words ‘things could be worse’. Instead, she’ll tell you all the VERY worst things she knows HAVE happened.
She loves
The Mary Poppins
Perfectly pristine and always immaculate, this is the one we all aspire to, as a result of her ever-swanlike ability to remain calm, serene and perfectly presented.
Never judgy, instead she comes with mountains of tips and advice on time management, clothing maintenance and the BEST recommendations for restaurants, salons, and cleaners. Sigh…. when we grow
The Gin Fizz:
A.K.A The party princess. You can be seriously miserable and totally unprepared for a night out, but she’ll drag your mardy arse out anyway and before you know it, it’s three in the morning, and you’re clutching a bottle of Chardonnay whilst on top of a table, singing ‘All by myyyysellllflffffffff like Bridget Jones on acid’.
Three days later and you still have no idea where your bra went, and you’re not entirely certain your husband will ever talk to you again. But don’t you feel
The Matriarch:
The perennial mother. She’ll give solid advice, coupled with hearty food and tuck in your t-shirts at the same time.
Steady, kind and completely unflappable. She’ll have a laugh but you know you’re getting carried home at a sensible time with the Matriarch – and she’ll wait while you go in too, even though you’re 34!
The Hot Mess:
She never looks anything more than five minutes out of bed, life is permanently a crisis and you suspect she is about three Prosecco’s away from rehab.
She’ll need
You might have one friend who typifies all these, or you might have all these friends. You might be one yourself, or you can be all, just to different people.
I suppose my point is, from parenting woes, through financial oh no’s, to a family that make the Adam’s clan look middle-of-the-road. It’s all manageable with your mates.
Go on. Give ‘em a call. If mine needs me, I’ll be in the bath!