Starting again

Paula Slade - 4 Jan 18

I have never been the kind of person who would make New Year Resolutions, because I never stick to them. I have in the past, like the masses – started a new diet or joined a gym. I would go religiously 3 times a week for a few months, it gets to March and I would stop going.

So why bother making them if you don’t keep them?

Last year I was in the “newborn fog” for a while, Evie was about 6 weeks old last Christmas so thinking about the year ahead was akin to looking at a very large mountain you have to climb. I had no idea what I was doing, to be honest I still don’t really have an idea.

The difference between now and then is that I know Evie better, this past year we have got to know each other very well. I like to think that I cope better in certain situations like nappy issues in public, crying and screaming in public – basically most things in public. I may not look it, but I do feel that I am slowly getting my sh*t together a quarter of the time – I am new at this… for now I feel that I am doing ok.

This year I want to think more about myself. I am not seeing it as a New Year Resolution; I am seeing it as a new start that happens to fall over the New Year.

I need to work on my mind-set, my attitude towards myself, my belief in myself and how I see myself. I seriously lack in all of these area. I really have put myself on the back burner and neglected myself. 2017 was a year where I gave up a lot of things; I gave up my career (now a stay-at-home-mum), I gave up my own wage, my independence (having to “ask” for money to go places and do things), I neglected my relationships, I lost my identity and tried to find it again. 2018 is the year where I will learn to love and accept myself fully and completely.

I have struggled with my mental health, especially recently and I know the times ahead will be a real struggle. I have learnt the hard way that time is precious and you should soak up everything you can and when you can. I am not seeing this as a way to “fix” everything, but it’s a way for me to see life in a better way.

Why should I put more pressure on myself by being negative when I have enough to deal with?

I have in the past had a tendency to postpone these life-changing mantras until it’s “a good time to start” – in my mind that would be at the beginning of the next week/month or perfectly in the New Year. I am the kind of person who will hate to buy a new diary or calendar in February – I have missed a whole month!

So I have started to try and think more positively. I look at myself in the mirror and if I find myself criticising what I see, I will stop myself and think about how grateful I should be. I am giving myself a break, I have never been skinny – I never will be. But I am thankful that I have grown and birthed a healthy, happy and intelligent little girl. But again, this doesn’t give me the excuse to sit on the sofa all day happily consuming a whole packet of biscuits while drinking too much tea or coffee. I need to remember that I have more than what others have, but if I still find that I am don’t like what I see, then I should do something about it.

This year has taught me that the world of parenting is full of judgement; everyone at some point has experienced it and definitely will do in the future. It is something I never really thought would get me down or question what I do and how I do things.

But you know what, who cares?

So I plan to cut myself some slack, understand that perhaps I may have not quite handled something correctly – if there ever is a correct way. Learn from my mistakes and move on. I need to have more belief in what I am doing is right for my little girl and that I am a good Mum.

My daughter is thriving, she is fed, has a warm home, clean clothes and plenty of nappies. She has a very gorgeous and generous family who love her so much. So why should I care if the Mum at playgroup doesn’t like that we watch TV, or she sometimes eats Ella’s Kitchen pouches?

So I am going to be kind and positive about me and me as a Mum. I hope it won’t only benefit me, but Evie too. (Also the husband, he must be getting fed up with me crying over nothing) I don’t want Evie to grow up feeling that she has to look a certain way, or to act in a certain way to be liked or noticed. Self love I feel is one of the best kinds.

Its not going to be easy, but I’m hoping that this time next year I will be sitting here feeling a whole lot happier.

Fingers crossed.

Paula Slade

I live in South London with my husband and our daughter who is 1. I was a High School teacher of D & T, now currently I am a stay at home Mummy.

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