Step Children and a sperm donor; my unexpected family.

Jen Stephens - 4 Jun 16

When I met my husband, I instantly became a full-time Mum. His son, 18, was just about to leave home and head to University, but his daughter, 10, lived with him Monday-Friday. I knew that if I committed to this relationship that I definitely wasn’t going to be the fun, weekend Step Mum. That’s not to disregard how hard it is to be a weekend step parent, I have friends in that role and I know just how much they do, but I knew I was going to be there for everything; the homework, school stress, tears, heartache, cooking meals, washing clothes and being a Mummy in the largest sense of the word. I’d known from a young age that I wanted a family, and had an idealistic view of family life, but this wasn’t what I’d had in mind when I’d pictured my future with children.

My husband had also had a vasectomy, so nurturing, supporting and loving his daughter was a constant reminder of what I thought I’d never have with him. The beginning of our relationship was a mix of ecstatic elation and aching grief, as I began to picture my life always being the Step Mum.

We attempted vasectomy reversal and landed in the small percentage of failed attempts. It was suggested that we try sperm aspiration and IVF… but that didn’t work either. After an incredibly stressful and emotional journey and a lengthy period of thought and reflection, we opted for a sperm donor. I got pregnant after the first attempt and we were so, so happy. I couldn’t believe that it had worked, finally we’d been given a chance.

People began to tell me that when my baby was born I’d know what it was to REALLY love a child. They told me I’d feel differently about my Step Children and how the love for your own child was unimaginable. This really threw me, would I really feel like this? I hadn’t even thought about it until people began to say these things. Some of the comments came from people in similar situations and I began to worry that it would change our family dynamic. How would I deal with these feelings?

So when my little boy made his way into the world, and the midwife laid him on my chest, I felt that intense rush of love and adoration for my Son… But, the question, do I love him more? No, is the answer, I love him just as much as I love my Step Children, and why? Because I love their individuality, their quirks, their intelligence, their humour and the relationship we have built together. I love them all, equally because they are my family, they are my life.

As a 70’s child, I grew up thinking I would own a house by thirty and be married with children. Well, I’ve never climbed the property mountain, I wasn’t married at thirty and none of the three children in my life are a biological blend of me and the man I dearly love. My concept of family has become something very unexpected, it’s taught me that family can be something really very different and something incredibly beautiful.

‘We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.’
Joseph Campbell.

Jen Stephens

Fabric hoarder, seamstress and lover of baked cheesecake.

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