Stepmums! You’re doing a good job!

The Not So wicked Stepmother - 6 Oct 17

Half way through my last counselling session where I’d been discussing my concerns for my 9 year old Stepdaughter, my therapist said to me “She’s lucky to have you”.

And what initially started as a little lip quiver let way to reveal huge childlike sobs and enormous round teardrops which bounced off the therapists stripped wooden floor before splashing into little puddles.

She’s lucky to have me.

She’s lucky to have me.

Some recognition I was doing a good job was what I so desperately needed.

It’s exceptionally difficult “parenting” someone else’s child. Most of the time you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. The elephant in the room is that you don’t have the same love for them which you have for your “own” children. Yet you try (often in the face of huge adversity) to make them happy, to care for them, look after them, give them all the same opportunities as your own children and to help raise them as decent, kind human beings. All the while whilst not crossing the imaginary line of ‘step-parentdom’.

I worry about my eldest Stepdaughter more than any of our other 3 children. She’s the most challenging by a mile and I get through it by reminding myself of something I read once; “A difficult child is a child in difficulty”. That takes me to the place of wanting to help and support her rather than throttle her, (well nine times out of ten it does!)

But her being lucky to have me…. Now that was something I hadn’t thought of myself before.

See whilst I’ve been busy beating myself up about not being able to do enough for my Stepdaughters and worrying that they aren’t happy, I’ve also been busily building a life for them which they’d never have had the chance to enjoy without me as a Stepmum.

I’m not their Mum, I’m very different to her and I definitely don’t want to take her place. But I realised on that day that the whole time I’ve been a Step mum I’ve considered myself as a negative in the girls’ life and felt almost apologetic for my mere existence and the fact their Dad has chosen to spend his life with me when he didn’t want to spend his life with their Mum.

What I hadn’t taken the time to consider till then was what a positive role I could play in their lives.

What I saw in that cosy blue-grey therapist’s room was that I see things in my Stepdaughter which neither of her parents see. I offer her ways to express herself which neither of her parents offer and I support her in ways neither of her parents does. I sense her concerns without her having to tell me them directly and we talk them though together and come up with steps forward when necessary.

Being a Stepmother is fucking tough, the most challenging thing I’ve done by a mile, and also the most lonely. But maybe from today I can start seeing it as being rewarding too.

To hear someone “qualified” tell me “She’s lucky to have you”.. that changed my whole perception of our relationship.

I told my girlfriends this story after a few wines the next night and as only BFFS can they all looked at me bemused before telling me “of course she’s lucky to have you you twat”….

And I truly never realised this. I just didn’t see it as I was so busy beating myself up for all my shortcomings.

So tonight Stepmums, I’m raising a glass to you all. Each and every one of you doing your best for a child you didn’t grow. They’re lucky to have you.

Cheers.

The Not So wicked Stepmother

Mum of 2 gorgeous boys, Stepmum of two beautiful girls and soon to be wife of handsome, caring millionaire with rock hard abs and enormous penis. (Ok, 2 out of 3 are true.) After several years of bumbling through this Step-parenting lark with various degrees of success and failure I've decided to use writing as a sort of therapy whilst sharing the truth about the ups and downs of my step parenting journey. Unlike being a "real" mum there aren't many resources available to support us Stepmums and I've found it a very lonely place to be. Hopefully through the magical powers of the internet us Stepmums can share stories and offer advice so we do not feel so alone on this sometimes thorny and thankless journey. At the end of the day, like “real” mums we are all learning as we go and trying our best.

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