STOP THE CLOCK!

Site Default - 14 Mar 16

Changing-room mirrors are hideous, I know that. But when I was trying something on in a shop the other day I couldn’t help but notice how awful I looked.

I was wearing my trusty-but-scruffy ‘mum-coat’ black puffa, mud-stained Converse and worn-at-the-knees skinny jeans. I had no make-up on, dark circles under my eyes (thanks to the mascara I failed to remove the night before) and my unbrushed, towel-dried hair was scooped up into a half-broken clip.

With my three-year-old tearing around the place, desperate to leave, I didn’t dwell on it. But later that day – when I was on my own – I stood in front of a mirror and had a really good look.

I realised that I hadn’t actually ‘looked’ at me in years. And this is because life with two boys has become such a rush – it feels like I’m constantly being played on fast-forward. Getting the kids ready is my daily aim, so my routine goes something like this: super-speedy shower, slap on some moisturiser, rough-dry my hair, then get dressed in whatever I can find in the pile of clothes dumped on the floor. In-between all this I am calming a seething little one with a broken train track, wiping spilt cereal milk off the floor and making sure my eldest has all the right kit for school. Make-up (if there’s time) is applied in dribs and drabs whilst shouting ‘Just eat your breakfast and get changed!’. I’m always plucking my eyebrows haphazardly in a hurry. I’m always throwing on an outfit without any thought and opting for the same thing three days in a row – not worrying about the spag-bol stains or the holes (who cares?). I never stop to check myself out in a mirror. I never look – properly – at me.

When I think back to my 20s, I used to worry so much about my appearance. I used to cleanse, exfoliate, tone and moisturise without fail. I used to care about my outfits and spend ages deciding which earrings to wear. Now I am a lot less vain and a lot more laid-back when it comes to sartorial choices. Now I just want to be clean in a flash, dressed in an instant and not late for school/football/rugby/swimming…

I’m so caught up in the hamster-wheel of parenting that I don’t take time to notice me. It’s that motion of going round and round in circles every day, doing the same thing, and yet getting nothing done for myself. BBC Woman’s Hour touched on this recently with a discussion about how being busy has become the norm. Now people actually praise you for it – ‘Wow, you’re busy!’ etc. Inevitably, our time belongs to others – our children – and we are constantly working for the future rather than experiencing the present.

But isn’t this such a sad state to be in, as we are not appreciating the now? We are not taking notice of ourselves right this second. We are not thinking about what we need or want because we are so focused on our kids.

So I think it’s important, even if it’s just once a week, to stop the clock and take note of myself. I’m going to look in the mirror properly – not just glance quickly. I’m going to sort out those straggly eyebrows and breathe in my face oil at night rather than just slapping it on in haste. I’m going to think carefully about what I’m wearing tomorrow. I’m going to stop sporting the same pair of Converse every single day. I’m going to buy a coat in a striking bright hue and ditch the black puffa. Because I don’t want to just let go of how I look and not make an effort. I don’t want to just fade into the background now that I’m a mother.

And maybe I’ll slowly get back to being that person I was in my 20s, who used to see herself in a shop mirror and think, ‘Wow, not bad!’.

Image: Veri Ivanova

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Fiona Pennell lives in the Cotswolds with her husband and their two boys, Jack, 6, and Otto, 4. A former YOU magazine sub-editor, Fiona now spends her days being trampled on, going on slug hunts and dreaming of lie-ins. (Twitter: @fiona_pennell)

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