Surprise Surprise

Sarah - 4 Feb 16

I once read a quote somewhere that said – “an unplanned pregnancy is not an unwanted pregnancy. God just knew what you needed before you did”. Now I am not a religious person, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Even you.

It was the day after Boxing Day, I had a monumental 4 day hangover and another party to go to that evening. I stared down and watched the little blue cross appear before my eyes. Shit. I was pregnant and your brother, Henry was only 6 months old.

The weeks passed and my morning sickness was horrific. I couldn’t look after your brother properly, I felt like a failure to him and at the back of my mind the whole time was “if I wasn’t pregnant it would be OK”. But I was. With you. I didn’t feel you were real. You were there inside me but I couldn’t imagine you like I had imagined your brother. It was as if I didn’t believe in you. If I didn’t think about you, you wouldn’t be real.

And then you were born. You were real. You were perfect. The whole time you were growing inside me I hadn’t believed you were really there and now you were. I didn’t know how to act. They took you away to special care and I felt numb. I didn’t want to get close to you in case something happened to you. I looked at you with wires and tubes and suddenly I realised. I hadn’t told you I loved you. I had failed you completely and now something might happen to you.

That first night I cried and cried. I missed Henry. I had never been away from him and when I went back home I would have a new baby. One he didn’t ask for. How would I cope? Would I be an ok mother to two? Would I love Henry more because he wasn’t a “surprise”? If I didn’t have you would Henry be cleverer? Happier? Better behaved? But I did have you. You were mine. I loved you. Looking back they were silly thoughts and questions. I realise that now.

When you were 4 weeks old your dad had a heart attack resulting in surgery and an 8 week hospital stay. He then came home and went back to work as if none of it had happened and it was all a bad dream. It wasn’t a dream. I was lost. I was losing the plot. I cried. I shouted. I shut everyone out and quite literally went mad. If he had died how would I look after you and your brother – after all you weren’t meant to be here. Or Were you?

I was feeding you late one night, Henry was asleep next to us and I worked it out. I thought back to that quote. If you weren’t there, if I didn’t have you at that exact time when your dad was so ill, how would I have taken my mind off what I was going through? The constant fear that my phone ringing would be the hospital with bad news, the fear that your dad would die. You kept me sane. I only ate because I was breastfeeding you. I slept because I knew I had you to look after. I would have lost the plot without you. Your tiny features, your little noises, your constant puking made sure I didn’t go crazy at a time when I otherwise might have done. You were there for a reason. Somebody somewhere knew I would need you. I needed you more than anything.

My darling Bertie I want you to know you are the best surprise I could ever have wished for. You are wanted. Loved. Cherished. I’m sorry I let you down but I promise I will never let you down again.

Mummy X

Sarah

Sarah. Mum to two (sometimes) lovely boys. Learning this motherhood malarkey as I go along. Instagram @flinty1 Lover of white wine daily!

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