Surviving the initial stages post separation

Michelle Appleby - 21 Aug 18

The first few days/weeks/months following separation are hideous. Doesn’t matter who ended it, why it ended, whether you knew it was coming or not, whether you think it’s for the best or a terrible idea… it is a truly hideous time for anyone/everyone.

I am now around 9 months post separation. I’m not divorced and we have very little (the polite way of saying fuck all) agreed in preparation for legal separation. But I have survived. Not always very well or very gracefully. But survive, I have.

Here are some of my top tips for surviving the early days of marriage separation. Some I followed. Some I should’ve followed. Some I pinched from wiser folk than I and will endeavour to follow in the future.

1. Ride your emotional rollercoaster. Hold tight, head up and get ready to experience alllllll the emotions. The anger. The frustration. The confusion. The resentment and bitterness. The relief. The elation. Vent. Cry. Laugh. Scream. Cry some more. Allow yourself time and space to properly feel each and every emotion. There is really no point in pretending these feelings aren’t happening. They are. And they are perfectly NORMAL. Bottling them up will only lead to a bigger explosion or meltdown in time and that’s no good for anyone.

2. Get a good counsellor. You can go private but don’t have to. The NHS often has a large waiting list but other options are available. Lone parent Scotland, parenthelpline and Women’s Aid all offer Counselling services for parents experiencing separation. If there’s a waiting list, find a sympathetic friend (or friends) or GP to fill the gap.

3. Avoid confrontation. No one truly enjoys confrontation (admittedly some seem to get a kick from it but my guess is it’s short lived…) so, ideally, it’s best avoided at all times. However, this is very VERY difficult to do post separation, especially when you see your ex-partner regularly due to child contact (with no time to heal and move on in between). You’re both already dealing with lots of emotions around the loss of your relationship so adding in more negative emotions by having an argument isn’t going to help you or the situation. Ideally, you and your ex would be able to agree to hold off discussions-that-turn-into-arguments, but, in reality, it may be up to one or other of you to actively disengage from conversations and end discussions before they turn into full blown arguments. Email can be a helpful alternative to avoid confrontation but not always. If matters persist, it may be necessary to shut down all forms of communication, other than at handover.

4. Never reply to texts or emails straight away. You’ll always say something you later regret. Wait 10-15 mins if you can. Or even longer (til you’re no longer seeing red!). Or, better yet, get a good friend to act as a buffer and vent to them, bounce the reply off them and then send.

5. Have patience. If at all possible, try to agree with your ex, that no big discussions or decisions will be made in the first few weeks or months post separation. Inevitably someone will have to move out and day to day finances will need rejigged to support that so this will need discussed but other big decisions like selling or keeping the house, dividing savings and pensions can be shelved until emotions are not quite as raw. That way action can be taken with a clear head and in good conscience, for the right reasons and not motivated by anger, revenge and one-upmanship.

6. Remember NOTHING is forever. Nothing was forever before marriage or separation: it’s no different now, no matter how it feels day to day. Decisions made right now about who lives where and how the children spend their time can be changed in the future. Many times! Feelings will change too. That overwhelming feeling of sadness and helplessness WILL pass. As will the anger. And your children will get through this too: their sadness and confusion will lift, a new “normal” will emerge and they will feel content again.

7. Read this book: The Guide for Separated Parents, Putting Your Children First, by Karen and Nick Woodall. It’s so measured and relevant to almost every parenting situation, not just separation. And it’s an easy read. (This is coming from the slowest reader on the planet!)

8. Find a single mummy (or daddy) friend you can confide in and who will confide back. Maybe a friend of a friend if you’re the only single parent you know directly? Or better yet, find a group of them: maybe a local, regular meet up or a Facebook/Instagram group (I’d be lost without mine!). Or even follow a few single Mum/Dad bloggers. Shared experience can be really effective in “normalising” your new, (slightly shitty) life and combatting feelings of isolation. It also enables us to learn from others’ mistakes and successes. Hearing “it’s not just you” make us feel much more “normal”, and from that comes great strength.

9. Don’t forget about your kids. They are experiencing a huge change and loss too and will have all the same emotions that you do. And more! They need just as much support (or more) as we adults do to wrap their heads around what is going on. They need lots of reassurance and clear information. It’s ok to show your emotions and share some information with them but be cautious and sensitive that you don’t upset them or overshare. Books are a great way to support wee ones but make sure you’ve read them first for suitability and so you’re prepared for tears (probably yours!) and any questions which may arise. It’s also ok to get others to do the sharing and emotional support for your kids if you don’t have the strength right now. Whatever helps THEM get through this tough time.

10. Have a break. Make sure you plan time to yourself to recharge: rest, laugh, exercise, watch TV, see friends, do a little of what you love. Anything to make you feel human again and ready to fight another day.

11. Make future plans with definite dates. Not things like “when all this is over, I’m going to…” Because who knows when that will be? Things like “ Next Saturday, my old uni pal is coming to stay”.

12. Make notes. Every once in a while, write down what’s going on and how you feel. Maybe email it to yourself? And every once in a while, look back at your notes and you’ll see how far you’ve all come. It can be so difficult to see progress when you’re living in the thick of it. Notes and regular/annual events become really effective ways of measuring positive change. (A friend gave me this tip MANY moons ago when I was breastfeeding my first baby. Six months after the birth of her first, and still thoroughly sleep deprived, she found her notebook of feeds from the newborn days and suddenly saw how far they had come and that life HAD moved on and sleep WAS improving! Same is true post separation.)

13. Reclaim your space. Remove upsetting reminders of your marriage/ex from your personal space and replace these with happier ones (either past or present). Be sensitive to your kids’ needs though-they still need to see and feel that the absent parent is part of their past, present and future and family photos are a good way to do that. So choose which ones to remove wisely. (I took down a biggish one from a romantic weekend away. It stared at me whenever I sat at the table to eat or to work or to draw with the kids. I felt it too invasive to my day to day routine. And, frankly, I didn’t want any romantic reminders of my ex! I kept others that were less eye catching or of family times or were significant to my children. Family, yes. Romance, no.) “Redecorate” your space with positive images of how life is and will be. You don’t need to repaint everywhere or anywhere. Photos and trinkets are an especially good way of displaying new experiences/memories in a different family structure. We now have photos of a holiday to Disneyland Paris which helps the kids (and me!) remember it’s not been all bad since separation.

14. Get a good lawyer. Most do a one off “know your rights” type appointment for a lower, fixed fee. Even if the tougher, legal route isn’t the one you want to go down long term, it’s good to get the legal lie of the land and know what is reasonable/legal etc before entering discussions and agreements.

15. Build yourself a community. Since separating, I’ve had to rely on my “community” more than ever before. I have a great network of friends but as many as mums of young kids, we are all in the same, sleep-deprived, crazy busy, boat. Step forward neighbours and school mums. My neighbours have stepped in to cover gaps in childcare, to hold a spare key, to get some shopping, to “loan” eggs and milk (see pic for my egg-robbing outfit 🙈) and even to stem the flood (I sobbed while the neighbour in his lovely shoes waded through about 7cm of water in my bathroom and kitchen when our tap pipe exploded).

You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned alcohol. And copious amounts of it. That’s partly because I’m not a big drinker (lack of capacity, tolerance and opportunity) but also because I don’t think alcohol (or other vices like it) are crucial to making it through the early stages. They can certainly help us relax and escape but I always find, they can also make us (me) more tired, more unpredictable, more emotional, and more negative, none of which is ideal at a tough time. No judgement if that’s your bag though!

Good luck. Stay strong. Reach out. Mwah! 😘

Michelle Appleby

I’m a mum, a wife, a teacher and, above all else, a human. A human who has struggled to feel “good enough” most of her life but is slowly getting it right for herself, writing about life’s lessons along the way. (I’m defjnitely NOT a blogger type, whatever they are: I just like writing therapeutically.) **all views are MY OWN and not affiliated with any organisation or professional body**

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