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Ten ways to cope with toddlers

1
My youngest is nearly three. She is spirited, independent, feisty, strong-willed, cheeky, funny, loving, imaginative and the light of my life. She is also bloody hard work. Everything is hard work. She was a fairly easy baby, but she’s making up for it now. Getting her dressed, leaving the house, getting anywhere vaguely on time once we’ve left the house, getting her to eat, getting her to drink, maintaining basic hygiene, all takes an inordinate amount of time and patience. My life is one long series of tiny negotiations with someone who is
SelfishMother.com
2
tenacious and illogical in equal measure. Just this week, negotiations on whether she should try on her potty before we went out broke down entirely, and I sustained a split lip from the toddler head flung back in rage.

I’m not claiming any kind of expertise, but these are my current survival strategies.

 

You can never allow enough time. 80% of my stress comes of always seeming to have 5 minutes to do an 8 minute walk, and the toddler still running round the house half naked. I also have an 8 year old, so we have twice daily school

SelfishMother.com
3
runs which are time critical, and while I am trying to manoeuvre the toddler into her shoes I am also fielding a stream of queries from my elder girl – ‘Where’s my hairbrush? Where’s my bookbag? What shoes should I wear? Where are my shoes? Have you seen my water bottle’, and firing back the answers along with a series of reminders ‘It’s Thursday, have you got your flute? Have you done your reading diary? Did you pick up the form and money for your trip?’ and persuading the toddler that she can’t wear her two-sizes-too-small-wellies.
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The longer I can allow for this process, the calmer I am likely to remain, and the better our chances of leaving the house approximately on time.

 

Remember that children won’t actually starve themselves. Provide vaguely nutritious meals consisting of things there’s a possibility they’ll eat. Supplement with healthy(ish) snacks. Try not to worry. Don’t turn food into a battleground. Nothing that terrible will happen if they don’t eat kale. I remember reading some advice by a paediatrician which pointed out that yoghurt and fruit

SelfishMother.com
5
contain all the major food groups. If you’re really worried, get a good multivitamin.

 

Choose your battles. For example, my girl hates having her hair washed. And by ‘hate’ I don’t mean that she cries a bit. I mean that she screams like she is being tortured, begs me to stop, climbs out of the bath and throws herself into my arms, all limbs thrashing. The only way we can manage it at all is if I pinion her and husband sprays water in the vague direction of both of us. I get soaked to the skin. She is distraught. We are distraught

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– it feels like we’re waterboarding her. So we just don’t do it very much.

 

Let them make their own choices when possible. Getting dressed is another challenge, so I have given up any attempt to achieve beautifully coordinated, or even vaguely matching, outfits. Letting her decide on what to wear, and then surreptitiously adding/removing layers as necessary doesn’t make it easy, and the end result might be more colourful than stylish, but it’s easier.

 

Get breaks when you can. My daughter goes to preschool 3 mornings

SelfishMother.com
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a week (where she is apparently angelic), and husband tries to ensure that he is home by 6pm one night a week so he can do bedtime and I can get out of the house for a few hours. These periods of freedom are my lifeline, and give me the renewed patience to carry on.

 

Take time out. Not for the toddler, for you. I’ve never really understood the concept of time out as a discipline strategy. If I had a child who would stay put where I’d left her for a specified length of time, then I wouldn’t need to use time out. But when I can feel

SelfishMother.com
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that I’m about to snap I leave her in her safe bedroom, walk out, close the door, and take some deep breaths, splash water on my face, spend a couple of minutes looking at pretty things on Instagram, regroup.

 

Ditch the guilt. Sometimes you will need to use chocolate buttons as bribes, or the television as a babysitter, just so that you can avoid leaving your older child standing forlornly at the school gates thinking no one is coming to collect her, or create enough time to put the fish fingers in the oven without the toddler diving in

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9
there too. Sometimes there is no ideal parenting magazine outcome, there are just less bad outcomes, and you need to stop beating yourself up about that.

 

Lower your standards, and follow their lead. I can be my own worst enemy as I feel I should continually be doing constructive activities with my daughter. Crafting, baking, going to interesting museums. But the effort of setting these activities up, keeping her focussed on them, getting where we’re going or clearing up afterwards actually leaves us both stressed, frazzled and on edge.

SelfishMother.com
10
It feels like an endurance test rather than a pleasure. Yesterday afternoon I felt too tired and drained to be creative, so I asked her what she wanted to do*. She wanted to listen to a story CD with me. Then a nursery rhyme CD with us both singing along loudly and tunelessly. Then bounce up and down on the sofa. Then press all the buttons on the CD player repeatedly. Then do one of her giant floor puzzle jigsaws. I just relaxed and went with her flow. I didn’t try and do jobs at the same time. I didn’t try and educate her. We just hung out, and it
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was so much more enjoyable than the times I make an effort.

 

Find a mantra. Mine is the annoying cliché about days being long but the years short, but it does help me remember that this age may be difficult, but it is also wonderful, and that one day I will look back with rose-tinted nostalgia. My variation when things are really bad is just ‘this too shall pass’ muttered desperately under my breath.

 

Wine. Or gin. Or wine and gin. And if it’s before 5pm and you’re solely responsible for two children, then maybe

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consider chocolate as an interim solution.

 

 

* I do realise the potential for this approach to go hideously wrong. She could have chose painting. But what’s life without a little risk?

 

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- 9 Nov 17

My youngest is nearly three. She is spirited, independent, feisty, strong-willed, cheeky, funny, loving, imaginative and the light of my life. She is also bloody hard work. Everything is hard work. She was a fairly easy baby, but she’s making up for it now. Getting her dressed, leaving the house, getting anywhere vaguely on time once we’ve left the house, getting her to eat, getting her to drink, maintaining basic hygiene, all takes an inordinate amount of time and patience. My life is one long series of tiny negotiations with someone who is tenacious and illogical in equal measure. Just this week, negotiations on whether she should try on her potty before we went out broke down entirely, and I sustained a split lip from the toddler head flung back in rage.

I’m not claiming any kind of expertise, but these are my current survival strategies.

 

  • You can never allow enough time. 80% of my stress comes of always seeming to have 5 minutes to do an 8 minute walk, and the toddler still running round the house half naked. I also have an 8 year old, so we have twice daily school runs which are time critical, and while I am trying to manoeuvre the toddler into her shoes I am also fielding a stream of queries from my elder girl – ‘Where’s my hairbrush? Where’s my bookbag? What shoes should I wear? Where are my shoes? Have you seen my water bottle’, and firing back the answers along with a series of reminders ‘It’s Thursday, have you got your flute? Have you done your reading diary? Did you pick up the form and money for your trip?’ and persuading the toddler that she can’t wear her two-sizes-too-small-wellies. The longer I can allow for this process, the calmer I am likely to remain, and the better our chances of leaving the house approximately on time.

 

  • Remember that children won’t actually starve themselves. Provide vaguely nutritious meals consisting of things there’s a possibility they’ll eat. Supplement with healthy(ish) snacks. Try not to worry. Don’t turn food into a battleground. Nothing that terrible will happen if they don’t eat kale. I remember reading some advice by a paediatrician which pointed out that yoghurt and fruit contain all the major food groups. If you’re really worried, get a good multivitamin.

 

  • Choose your battles. For example, my girl hates having her hair washed. And by ‘hate’ I don’t mean that she cries a bit. I mean that she screams like she is being tortured, begs me to stop, climbs out of the bath and throws herself into my arms, all limbs thrashing. The only way we can manage it at all is if I pinion her and husband sprays water in the vague direction of both of us. I get soaked to the skin. She is distraught. We are distraught – it feels like we’re waterboarding her. So we just don’t do it very much.

 

  • Let them make their own choices when possible. Getting dressed is another challenge, so I have given up any attempt to achieve beautifully coordinated, or even vaguely matching, outfits. Letting her decide on what to wear, and then surreptitiously adding/removing layers as necessary doesn’t make it easy, and the end result might be more colourful than stylish, but it’s easier.

 

  • Get breaks when you can. My daughter goes to preschool 3 mornings a week (where she is apparently angelic), and husband tries to ensure that he is home by 6pm one night a week so he can do bedtime and I can get out of the house for a few hours. These periods of freedom are my lifeline, and give me the renewed patience to carry on.

 

  • Take time out. Not for the toddler, for you. I’ve never really understood the concept of time out as a discipline strategy. If I had a child who would stay put where I’d left her for a specified length of time, then I wouldn’t need to use time out. But when I can feel that I’m about to snap I leave her in her safe bedroom, walk out, close the door, and take some deep breaths, splash water on my face, spend a couple of minutes looking at pretty things on Instagram, regroup.

 

  • Ditch the guilt. Sometimes you will need to use chocolate buttons as bribes, or the television as a babysitter, just so that you can avoid leaving your older child standing forlornly at the school gates thinking no one is coming to collect her, or create enough time to put the fish fingers in the oven without the toddler diving in there too. Sometimes there is no ideal parenting magazine outcome, there are just less bad outcomes, and you need to stop beating yourself up about that.

 

  • Lower your standards, and follow their lead. I can be my own worst enemy as I feel I should continually be doing constructive activities with my daughter. Crafting, baking, going to interesting museums. But the effort of setting these activities up, keeping her focussed on them, getting where we’re going or clearing up afterwards actually leaves us both stressed, frazzled and on edge. It feels like an endurance test rather than a pleasure. Yesterday afternoon I felt too tired and drained to be creative, so I asked her what she wanted to do*. She wanted to listen to a story CD with me. Then a nursery rhyme CD with us both singing along loudly and tunelessly. Then bounce up and down on the sofa. Then press all the buttons on the CD player repeatedly. Then do one of her giant floor puzzle jigsaws. I just relaxed and went with her flow. I didn’t try and do jobs at the same time. I didn’t try and educate her. We just hung out, and it was so much more enjoyable than the times I make an effort.

 

  • Find a mantra. Mine is the annoying cliché about days being long but the years short, but it does help me remember that this age may be difficult, but it is also wonderful, and that one day I will look back with rose-tinted nostalgia. My variation when things are really bad is just ‘this too shall pass’ muttered desperately under my breath.

 

  • Wine. Or gin. Or wine and gin. And if it’s before 5pm and you’re solely responsible for two children, then maybe consider chocolate as an interim solution.

 

 

* I do realise the potential for this approach to go hideously wrong. She could have chose painting. But what’s life without a little risk?

 

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I'm author of novels 'Two For Joy' and 'To Have and to Hold' and mum to two daughters aged twelve and six. As well as writing, and my children, I love reading, cooking, eating and exploring London (and further afield when I get the chance). I was born and brought up in Liverpool, studied English at Oxford University, and now live in East London with my husband, daughters and cat.

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