Term time Mornings vs School Holidays

Jess Helicopter - 30 Aug 17

Term time mornings:

5am: Cats wake up, have mental 10 mins, run up and down the stairs, fight each other, jump on parents heads. Parents shout at cats. Go back to sleep.

6am: 6 yr old bursts into bedroom and/or makes loud “playing” noises outside bedroom door to alert parents of presence.

6.05am: Parents shout at child to keep noise down.

6.06am: Child maintains levels of noise.

6.10am: One parent gets up scares child downstairs with sleep-riddled anger and promises unfettered use of iPad for half an hour more sleep.

6.45am: Alarm goes off in parents room.

6.50am: Snooze goes off.

6.55am: Snooze goes off.

7.00am: Snooze goes off, Mummy belts Daddy with pillow to turn it off and get up.

7.05am: Daddy wakes 2 yr old.

7.06am: Daddy & children have breakfast.

7.20am: Daddy drags Mummy from bed and alerts her to her need to parent.

7.25am: Daddy goes to work, Mummy looks at social media on phone through blurry eyes.

7.45am: Kids downstairs arguing, Mummy realises time, panics, gets in shower.

7.46am: Both kids come upstairs and into bathroom with requests for wees & drinks, arguments and to throw things in shower.

8.00am: Mummy leaves bathroom with kids in tow, arguing. Attempts to get ready.

8.05am: Mummy loses shit, screams both to get downstairs.

8.06am: 6 yr has strop, 2 yr is crying. Mummy tries to get ready.

8.15am: 6 yr has reluctantly gone downstairs. 2 yr old still crying. Mummy simultaneously has guilt and anger issues. Tries to finish getting ready.

8.25am: Mummy is downstairs. Kids are fighting. Thinks about breakfast. Does hollow laugh. Runs around like a blue-arsed fly. Asks kids to put on shoes and coats. Looks for keys, phone, purse, lunch money, book bag…everything she should have organised night before.

8.35am: Mummy now screaming at kids to put shoes and coats on, whilst putting hers on, sweating and raging at her own lateness and blaming the kids.

8.38am: Mummy puts kids coats and shoes on kids.

8.42am: Leave house for school. Late. Everyone is furious and crying.

9.15am: 6 yr old in school, 2 yr old at child-minder, Mummy nursing coffee at desk in work feeling wrecked but free.

Holiday Mornings:

5am: Cats are bastards, parents yell at cats.

5.05am: Cats have woken 6 yr old. 6 yr old joins in with cats atrocious, attention-seeking behaviour.

5.06am: Dad threatens 6 yr old back to bed.

5.20am: 6yr old sneaks downstairs and plays on iPad. For hours.

7.25am: Daddy has got himself ready and breakfasted and off to work in relative peace.

8am: 2 yr old wakes, Mummy grabs her for cuddles in bed. 2 yr old is giggly and wriggly and bashes Mummy’s face lots of times and shatters her illusions of sleepy lie-in cuddles.

8.05am: Mummy gives up, gets up, has wee, cleans teeth all with 2 yr old commentary.

8.10am: Mummy gives 2 yr old breakfast, 6 yr old is grumpy and overtired and demanding second breakfast.

8.11am: 2yr old looks at 6 yr old. All hell breaks lose and everyone is fighting and crying.

9.00am: Kids are still fighting. Mummy on second pot of coffee.

10.00am: Kids are still fighting. Mummy tries several “activities” that won’t end in fighting.

10.01am: All activities end in fighting. Mummy goes for shower. Kids follow.

10.15am: Kids still in Pjs. Kids still fighting. Mummy wet, in towel, stares desolately out at the rain. Questions her decision to have kids.

11am: Takes kids out to argue in public. Stay out allll day to avoid cabin fever and murder.

5.29am: Mummy and kids arrive home, ravaged.

5.30am: Daddy comes home, nerve-jangled Mummy runs upstairs to hide in bedroom with lap top and draws breath to prepare for bed time routine.

Jess Helicopter

Jess is a wine-addled, social media tart, feminist (does this need to be said?!) and chronic over sharer. She lives in Cardiff with her husband, children and some cats. Half heartedly trying to carve out a career by fancying herself as a bit of writer.

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