The Selfish Mother Retreat

Anniki Sommerville - 31 Jul 16

If I say the word ‘retreat’ what springs to mind? Do you think about monks walking about in silence? Do you imagine austere surroundings with gruel for breakfast and no music or chatter allowed?

Sometimes being a Mum can be a pretty knackering affair. There are the demands of work, family life, being an attractive/attentive partner (if you can be bothered) and then all the other stuff like shaving your legs, brushing your teeth and making sure your clothes are relatively clean and presentable. Of course it’s a massive joy but there often isn’t a huge amount of ‘me time’ left.

And that’s where a retreat comes in. Okay I’m biased as I’ve been to two Selfish Mother retreats and both were great. There’s the lovely venue. Amazing food. Super-relaxing yoga ( by @freerangeyogini). Treatments (by @_bespoilt). Beautiful music (the frankly incredible @abimaro). But the main thing, the absolutely MAIN thing that makes them all worthwhile is the WOMEN who come along.

You might think that being flung together with a bunch of Mums you don’t  know is a bit terrifying. But it’s not like that. Initially there’s a buzz as everyone arrives and you have to get all that stuff out the way in terms of who you are/what you do/how many kids you have etc. But then quite quickly a strange calm descends and the atmosphere shifts. It’s not quite like monks dedicating themselves to prayer but it’s similar. Knotted muscles are slowly unwound. Brains constantly filled with chatter… calm.  Conversations ebb and flow. If someone wants to go and nap then that’s what they do. There is a lot of talking and the topics are REALLY diverse. But if you want to just sit and stare out the window then that’s okay too.

When you’re at home and a window of time becomes available, the temptation is to cram that time with STUFF. Re-wiring a plug (who am I kidding?) Washing. Picking fleas off the cat. The point is it usually isn’t spent PLEASING YOUR DAMN SELF. Women aren’t particularly good on that score. Going on a retreat can be a little disorientating as it takes  a while to get used to the concept that actually PLEASING YOUR DAMN SELF is exactly what you need.

‘God I feel so tired,’ I heard several women say to one another.

‘Tired but good tired.’

‘Yes good tired, relaxed tired.’

Tiredness is often what goes hand in hand with the concept of pleasing your self. It’s your body’s way of saying – ‘Hey hang on you need to rest and stop moving about. Don’t you realise that you never actually do that?’

After our yoga session had finished, we lay on our mats looking up at the ceiling. We were tired but in a good way. Relaxed tired. Kate Bush’s iconic song ‘This Woman’s Work’ reverberated in our ears. As I listened to the lyrics I could feel a lump rising in my throat.

I thought about these women in the room. I thought about Molly and all she’s accomplished. I thought about our collective ambitions and aspirations. I thought about all the great ideas. There was a lot of power in that room. It was overwhelming. I was suddenly pretty certain that everything would happen if we just had the time to dedicate to ourselves now and then.

I thought about my daughter. I missed her in a good way. For a moment I forgot the lack of sleep, tantrums (hers and mine), the constant negotiations and the relentlessness of parenting.

Sometimes you need to step away in order to gain a sense of perspective. Sometimes you need to leave the people you love behind for a while. Then you suddenly realise just how much love there really is and how much good stuff is everywhere.

And there’s nothing selfish about that is there?

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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