That Child

Bridget Hargreave - 21 Mar 16

Is your child THAT child? Or were you That Child?

Does your child always seem to go that bit too far? Or is he or she the one who draws the most disapproving looks? When there is a fight in the playground or another child starts crying, do you know without any doubt that your child is somehow at the root of it?

I’ve felt for years that my older son falls into this category. Who knows whether it’s because of anything that falls into an official behavioural category (currently very much tbc and dependent on waiting lists/referrals on that one) or just poor parenting on our part. It’s easy to feel like it is the latter, of course. Or to almost secretly long that the former is the case, in the hope of exoneration.

When he was around two,I stopped doing playdates for about a year because I was so exhausted by all the meltdowns, arguments and tears. If there were league tables for tantrums, my son would have been at the top. I spent a lot of time and energy leaving friends’ houses early, often in tears by the time I was on the pavement outside, wondering what I was doing wrong. Of course now I look back and think, well, duh! He was two!

With nursery and school those feelings compounded rather than dissipating. He’s in his third year of school now and it hasn’t got any easier, dealing with his inability to respond with anything other than physical violence when some other kid makes a comment he doesn’t like. Often that violence is directed at me. Let me tell you, if you haven’t experienced your seven year old kicking you hard in the shins in front of half a playground full of parents and teachers, it’s a whole new level of embarrassment. You feel you may as well roll out a banner saying “BAD PARENTING ON SHOW HERE! DISCLIPINE TIPS WELCOME”.

A recent chat with my husband made me think though…despite clear evidence of quite a bit of That Child syndrome in our son’s case, his point was maybe all children are That Child. Maybe some more than others, but maybe they all have a touch of it. Either way it helps nobody to constantly focus on the negative behaviour when we all know it is there, we are working day in and day out to change it and it is not going away overnight.

Talking to friends, I said to one, with naked envy “it’s so amazing that your son will go and play in his room for hours with Lego.” She said “…yeah, but it’s so amazing your son will sit and draw for hours. And listens to David Bowie and is learning guitar now. And he can talk to grown ups without being shy.”

Putting that conversation together with the one I had with my husband when he suggested that maybe – though I don’t necessarily accept this – our son wasn’t somehow “worse” behaved than everyone else – I had a bit of a lightbulb moment. I work in communications. My whole working life has been about perception, but sometimes I forget that my own perception is just as subjective as any one else’s. And there are not many perceptions more subjective than a parent’s, when it comes to their own child.

Some parents take this to the other extreme. We all know the parents who think their children are angelic, “Gifted and Talented” (note: this is an actual educational Thing) and endlessly charismatic and entertaining. But again, aguably all children have a touch of those things too. And perhaps it would do parents like me – that is, parents who spend a lot of time berating themselves silently (and their children, less silently) about their explosive behaviour – a bit of good to take a leaf out of their book.

As my friend pointed out, there is so much I should be celebrating in my son’s life. Maybe at school pick up tomorrow, often a low point in both our days when he is tired, hungry and full of that day’s injustices, I need to be asking him what Bowie song he wants to play on the drive home?

And to That Parent…yes, you know who you are. You’re the one fretting that the other parents don’t want their children to play with yours, you are the one wondering if you didn’t talk to your child enough as a baby, thereby damaging their communication skills forever…or suspecting you gave them a chocolate habit before the age of five which has led to all these behavioural issues…to that parent, I would gently recommend a similar approach. Stop worrying, focus on the positives – and come and find me in the playground.

Bridget Hargreave

Bridget Hargreave is a counsellor, writer and communications consultant based in London. Her first book "Fine (Not Fine): Perspectives and Experiences of Postnatal Depression" was published by Free Association Books in November 2015.

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