That four letter word that we don’t use enough
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”No, sorry. I can’t right now”, was my answer to a friend that needed (non-urgent) help with something. By the look on her face, I saw she was immediately thrown off by my total honesty.
You see, I’ve always been a people-pleaser. Before having kids, after having kids, I’ve been the ”sure-I-can” girl. The ”can I help you with that?” lady. I did it because I like seeing people smile. I like helping. I want to raise my children to be helpers.
But it started getting in the way. I started having less time for myself. There was no break. I
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started realising this last year, when I totalled up the things that were going on in my life:
1. husband travels most of the year on business, so I was doing the parenting on my own most days.
2. working on my online business started being less of a priority.
3. I had 3 kids under 5.
4. I’m American, so my family was 4,000 miles away, and my in-laws still work on their own business so I had no help.
5. The liquor cabinet started to empty out a bit too frequently.
One day I started feeling really resentful and annoyed. Couldn’t figure
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out why. Until I realised that by saying ”yes I can” to pretty much everything, I was disappearing. Where did I fit in? Where did I go? Why am I crying into my tea?
And then I found a rad four-letter word: CAN’T. I said it out loud, looking at myself in the mirror, like a crazy person: ”I can’t do all this. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep pleasing everyone else and forgetting about myself.”
And life started to make sense. All of a sudden, saying ”I can’t”, freed up other areas of my life. I actually had time to myself,
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time to work, time to play with the kids, time to shave my legs and wash my hair. And I actually had time to focus on the playfulness that had disappeared from my 10-year marriage.
The liquor cabinet still empties frequently (I mean, come ON who doesn’t need a gin and tonic after bedtime, right?)… but I’m so much happier. Because saying CAN’T opened me up to a whole huge world of CAN.
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Tetyana Denford - 18 Jan 16
“No, sorry. I can’t right now”, was my answer to a friend that needed (non-urgent) help with something. By the look on her face, I saw she was immediately thrown off by my total honesty.
You see, I’ve always been a people-pleaser. Before having kids, after having kids, I’ve been the “sure-I-can” girl. The “can I help you with that?” lady. I did it because I like seeing people smile. I like helping. I want to raise my children to be helpers.
But it started getting in the way. I started having less time for myself. There was no break. I started realising this last year, when I totalled up the things that were going on in my life:
1. husband travels most of the year on business, so I was doing the parenting on my own most days.
2. working on my online business started being less of a priority.
3. I had 3 kids under 5.
4. I’m American, so my family was 4,000 miles away, and my in-laws still work on their own business so I had no help.
5. The liquor cabinet started to empty out a bit too frequently.
One day I started feeling really resentful and annoyed. Couldn’t figure out why. Until I realised that by saying “yes I can” to pretty much everything, I was disappearing. Where did I fit in? Where did I go? Why am I crying into my tea?
And then I found a rad four-letter word: CAN’T. I said it out loud, looking at myself in the mirror, like a crazy person: “I can’t do all this. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep pleasing everyone else and forgetting about myself.”
And life started to make sense. All of a sudden, saying “I can’t”, freed up other areas of my life. I actually had time to myself, time to work, time to play with the kids, time to shave my legs and wash my hair. And I actually had time to focus on the playfulness that had disappeared from my 10-year marriage.
The liquor cabinet still empties frequently (I mean, come ON who doesn’t need a gin and tonic after bedtime, right?)… but I’m so much happier. Because saying CAN’T opened me up to a whole huge world of CAN.
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Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.
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