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The affair aftermath – one year on

1
A lot can happen in a year. A year ago today my life changed irreversibly overnight, a ball started rolling and over a series of weeks had snowballed into something so life changing for me that I went into deep shock and suffered intense trauma and grief. Before this I don’t think I even knew people could feel grief over something that wasn’t death.
My husband’s infidelity broke me to my core, my heart, my trust, my hopes and plans for my life, future and children. But I had to pick myself up and dust myself off pretty quickly for their sakes. So
SelfishMother.com
2
I set about carving out a new path for myself, and I found strength in myself that honestly I didn’t know I had.
I learned to put myself first for a while because I knew it was the only way I could work through the grief I felt, but in putting myself first I was ensuring I could be the mother my children needed, self preservation was essential to my healing at that time, it still is. So to someone on the outside looking in without context they might have seen a mother who spent a bit less time with their kids, a mother who took some trips without her
SelfishMother.com
3
children, but all of that was a mother who loves her children so much that she knew she had to care for herself first and foremost to be the mother they need now and in the future.
I have felt so many things over this past year. I still feel the shockwaves even now. I still feel sadness, and anger, and shame, and embarrassment at times, but most of all I feel strong. Because at my lowest low I carried on, I acted with humility and dignity, and I focused on all the little glimmers of positivity I had within my life. There are triggers regularly, and I
SelfishMother.com
4
actually think because of the way in which I was finding affair details out for weeks I have some PTSD, but I have found ways to cope with these episodes when they occur.
Yes, my husband had an affair with someone who was supposed to be my friend. And yes, it broke me deeply. I have explored reconciliation, working through it and I applaud any person who has managed this, it takes just as much strength and courage to take this path as it does to cut your losses. One thing is certain; there is no easy route forward after an affair. I have also learned
SelfishMother.com
5
there is no timeline for affair recovery, I was impatient to arrive at a decision for which path I would take in the early weeks and months following the discovery. But over time I realised it was not going to be that simple. There are so many emotions to work through and of course practicalities, and you need to wait for the dust to truly settle to really have visibility of where your relationship stands after the fact. I’m one year on and I’m only really just starting to see the wreckage in order to asses the damage and decide if it will ever
SelfishMother.com
6
really be able to be rebuilt.
It has been a character-defining year for me. I am forever changed by this event in my life and initially I worried that my life was ruined. It’s hard to give up on everything you had pictured for your future overnight. It’s weird not knowing what life is going to look like in 5 years time, as once you’re married with kids you think you sort of know what that roughly is going to look like. I am excited for the future, because there wasn’t a truer word spoken than ‘what doesn’t kill you makes your stronger’.
SelfishMother.com
7
Whatever happens I have my kids and I have myself… and I got myself through the toughest year of my life and I came out stronger, I am everything I need.
SelfishMother.com

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- 20 Jan 20

A lot can happen in a year. A year ago today my life changed irreversibly overnight, a ball started rolling and over a series of weeks had snowballed into something so life changing for me that I went into deep shock and suffered intense trauma and grief. Before this I don’t think I even knew people could feel grief over something that wasn’t death.

My husband’s infidelity broke me to my core, my heart, my trust, my hopes and plans for my life, future and children. But I had to pick myself up and dust myself off pretty quickly for their sakes. So I set about carving out a new path for myself, and I found strength in myself that honestly I didn’t know I had.

I learned to put myself first for a while because I knew it was the only way I could work through the grief I felt, but in putting myself first I was ensuring I could be the mother my children needed, self preservation was essential to my healing at that time, it still is. So to someone on the outside looking in without context they might have seen a mother who spent a bit less time with their kids, a mother who took some trips without her children, but all of that was a mother who loves her children so much that she knew she had to care for herself first and foremost to be the mother they need now and in the future.

I have felt so many things over this past year. I still feel the shockwaves even now. I still feel sadness, and anger, and shame, and embarrassment at times, but most of all I feel strong. Because at my lowest low I carried on, I acted with humility and dignity, and I focused on all the little glimmers of positivity I had within my life. There are triggers regularly, and I actually think because of the way in which I was finding affair details out for weeks I have some PTSD, but I have found ways to cope with these episodes when they occur.

Yes, my husband had an affair with someone who was supposed to be my friend. And yes, it broke me deeply. I have explored reconciliation, working through it and I applaud any person who has managed this, it takes just as much strength and courage to take this path as it does to cut your losses. One thing is certain; there is no easy route forward after an affair. I have also learned there is no timeline for affair recovery, I was impatient to arrive at a decision for which path I would take in the early weeks and months following the discovery. But over time I realised it was not going to be that simple. There are so many emotions to work through and of course practicalities, and you need to wait for the dust to truly settle to really have visibility of where your relationship stands after the fact. I’m one year on and I’m only really just starting to see the wreckage in order to asses the damage and decide if it will ever really be able to be rebuilt.

It has been a character-defining year for me. I am forever changed by this event in my life and initially I worried that my life was ruined. It’s hard to give up on everything you had pictured for your future overnight. It’s weird not knowing what life is going to look like in 5 years time, as once you’re married with kids you think you sort of know what that roughly is going to look like. I am excited for the future, because there wasn’t a truer word spoken than ‘what doesn’t kill you makes your stronger’. Whatever happens I have my kids and I have myself… and I got myself through the toughest year of my life and I came out stronger, I am everything I need.

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