The ‘B’ Word

Tetyana Denford - 3 Jun 16

“That child is being a bully. I’ve seen it.”, the parent says, defiantly, marking a child with that all-too-standard scarlet letter B. Bully.

“Oh, gosh. How upsetting. Have you seen anything to that effect, then?,”  I ask. I was genuinely curious. Not for specific names or salacious gossip, but I was curious as to how that parent defined the term ‘bullying’.

“Well, I’ve seen the teasing, sometimes. You know, the ‘na na na na’ attitude, and the ‘I don’t want to play that game with you’ kind of stuff that upsets other children. Being a bit bolshie and dominating.”

“Hmm. Interesting…”, I nodded. The parent seemed pretty convinced about this child’s character (without many specifics), so I let the conversation taper off. I did feel like I had something to say about using the term ‘bully’ with respect to that specific situation, but that moment wasn’t the time to address it. I kept it logged in the back of my mind, however, because quite honestly, the subject bothered me.

In recent years, I’ve seen and heard the term ‘bully’ casually thrown around; with regards to school-age children, adults in social situations and cyber-bullying. It’s a word that’s used to categorise so much varied human behaviour, for both warranted and serious and also not-so-serious situations; seemingly a blanket statement for any action that someone doesn’t agree with, or feels personally attacked by for whatever reason. Even though there are definitely bullies on this planet, at any age, it’s hardly a brush that can colour every single situation. It’s a term, I feel, that has been, and is being, misused and bandied about carelessly, and I think it does the word, and the person it’s labelling, a huge disservice. I think ‘bullying’ is a very specific term for specific situations.

The classic definition is this:

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behaviour that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behaviour is done with malicious intent, and it is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.Young children may be aggressive and act out when they are angry or don’t get what they want, but this is not bullying, as they are still learning to make sense of their world and navigate social interactions with their peers.

I detest bullies and bullying (although I’m assuming most people do, right?). Neither my children nor I have been party to that kind of behaviour. I’m that mum on the playground that no matter who it is, if I see anyone bullying another person, I have no problem addressing it. Loudly. Any form of bullying is unacceptable: adult, teenager, child, professional, social, cyber, personal or otherwise.

I get spiky about this because when I was younger, bullies created a semi-permanent mark on my psyche that I’ve tried very hard to erase. Between the ages of 8-14, I was physically bullied, emotionally bullied, at school and amongst various groups of ‘friends’. I was slapped around, called fat, ugly, stupid, the-girl-with-no-friends. My name was bastardised, I was teased relentlessly because my hair was boyishly short and frizzy, my legs were unshaven, I had braces on my teeth and a fairly decent amount of puppy fat. My mother picked out my clothes, I wasn’t allowed boyfriends and I had a curfew of 10pm until I was 18. Basically, I was the girl-version of Napoleon Dynamite. I should’ve walked around with a bullseye on the back of my shirt.

Now, I’m not saying all this for the collective fist-bumps of “hey girl, but look at you now!” from people. I’m listing my experiences (that are probably all-too-common to a lot of people growing up) to show in stark comparison what real bullying is. A 5-year old not wanting to play a game with a certain friend that day at school, a 6-year old saying ‘you’re a silly-pants’ to a friend, or an 8-year old ignoring a classmate that day… those innocuous situations that comprise real life, have absolutely no place in any kind of ‘bully’ box.

As a parent, I want to protect my children from aggressive behaviour, of course. We all get mama-bear edgy if we feel our child has been subject to prickly situations. I’m the first to jump if my kids are the ones showing divisive behaviour. I try and show them a patient and kind example, which is all any of us can do. But hey, you know what? Those Important Life Lessons don’t preclude a child’s naturally explorative, unaware, slightly annoying behaviour. Children don’t learn empathetic behaviour until they’re around 8 years old, which means that there are years and years of grey area where they don’t understand how their actions might affect another person. It’s tricky, as a parent, to navigate that. The best any of us can do is manage it civilly, apologise and encourage the “kind hands and words, please.” But the reality of them being little beings is that they’re still learning, still occasionally frustrated and fractious in social situations. Swings and roundabouts, as they say.

Casually branding that type of behaviour as a child being a ‘bully’? That’s not okay. That’s a serious allegation and not something that should fly out of someone’s mouth without thought. I think learning to differentiate repetitive, malicious intent from a ‘kid being a normal kid’ is important; it requires a bit of empathy to the specifics of the scenario. Bullying is something that needs addressing on a completely different and more complicated level (teachers getting involved, counselling, etc), but it also categorises the behavioural pattern of the ‘bully’ in question. That child, if they are indeed a bully with repetitive, harmful behaviour, quite possibly has deeper-rooted issues that need to be focused on. They need help, they need guidance, they need empathy. They need love and patience, not finger-pointing. Serious situations like that should be analysed more forensically, not just thrown across a table whilst having a latte. In my case, the bullying eventually stopped because of a combination of things, but mainly because my mother got together with the school and the other mothers and they addressed it in a positive way, as a group effort. It required patience, not drama.

The thing I’m trying to say, as plainly and non-divisively as possible, is this: the ‘B’ word is serious. It should be used discriminately. Sadly, some situations warrant it and it’s understandably emotive. But if it’s a baseless accusation, or a knee-jerk reaction that’s used to brand a “boisterous” or “obstinate” child , then I think it’s best to give it a wide berth and look at it the situation from a much calmer perspective. Children at a young age are (for the most part) magical, slightly frustrating, but overall decent little spirits. I think they need heavy doses of patience, love, guidance from their community of friends and a bit of space to figure out how to navigate their little worlds. It’s hard for them to figure out Life. Hell, I’m almost 40 and I still have no clue what I’m doing most days. But if the little humans have a decent level of support from the big humans around them, and aren’t pigeonholed, it might produce open-minded, well-rounded and kind humans, right? All we have to do is try and use better, bigger more inspiring labels. And ‘Bully’ isn’t one of them.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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