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Today, I’ve been head-butted; slapped repeatedly about my face; whacked on the lip with an iPhone; and punched so hard in my neck that I was almost winded. All of this happened in the comfort of my own home by a close family member… but before you call social services, just look at the cute, innocent, wide-eyed culprit.
He may look sweet. But he is dangerous.
In normal circumstances, if someone were to terrorise me on a daily basis I would stay far out of their way but it’s hard when the culprit is your adorable 16 month-old son.
Fox,
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very literally, doesn’t know his own strength. He doesn’t know that his head feels as heavy as a bowling ball when he throws it against you. Or that his playful whacks at your face really hurt. Or that Hot Wheels cars aren’t meant to be rammed into your mouth at full throttle.
There’s a common misconception that babies are docile. They’re not. They are in fact physical little beasts. Past the 10 month stage, and they have the strength and liveliness to swing a punch, head-butt, slap, and bite with surprising force. (Lucky for me, Fox draws the
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line at biting, but I have some friends whose babies specialise in it).
I now take toys out of my son’s hand before I lift him up, just in case he hits me with them. I’m never sure if he’s going in for a cuddle or a head-butt. Every morning my husband and I lay in bed protecting our heads, because there is something about getting whacked full force, while you’re innocently snoozing which makes it feel all the worse. For the record getting hit on your eyeball is a really bad way to start the day.
The funny thing is that he delivers all his
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blows with a sweet smile or a gameful laugh. As if he’s thinking ”hey guys, aren’t we having SO MUCH FUN!”
I know other parents who’ve also suffered blows from their offspring;
My sister once had to rush to A&E with blood gushing from her nose while she was heavily pregnant thanks to my niece (then two) who threw her head back in laughter so violently that she nearly broke my sister’s nose.
Another friend had a building brick thrown so hard by his two-year-old that he has a feint scar on the bridge of his nose.
Another friend
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thought he might not be able to have children after his 3-year-old nephew kicked him, play-fighting, in the balls. His crown jewels remained black for 6 weeks afterwards.
Babies only get away with beating us up on a daily basis because they look so damn cute; this catch-all also lets them off their sleeping patterns, crying fits and other bad habits (mother nature is a clever beast). They also of course, have no understanding of what they are doing, so they don’t yet realise that giving one’s parent a black eye is generally considered a no-no, and
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therefore are hard to reprimand. They don’t even understand what a reprimand is.
In fact, what really puts little people on a par with master criminals is that they have NO conscience and they get NO comeuppance. Babies huh, they’re smarter than they look…!
Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, join our Blogging Network & start posting!
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Molly Gunn - 1 Nov 14
Today, I’ve been head-butted; slapped repeatedly about my face; whacked on the lip with an iPhone; and punched so hard in my neck that I was almost winded. All of this happened in the comfort of my own home by a close family member… but before you call social services, just look at the cute, innocent, wide-eyed culprit.
He may look sweet. But he is dangerous.
In normal circumstances, if someone were to terrorise me on a daily basis I would stay far out of their way but it’s hard when the culprit is your adorable 16 month-old son.
Fox, very literally, doesn’t know his own strength. He doesn’t know that his head feels as heavy as a bowling ball when he throws it against you. Or that his playful whacks at your face really hurt. Or that Hot Wheels cars aren’t meant to be rammed into your mouth at full throttle.
There’s a common misconception that babies are docile. They’re not. They are in fact physical little beasts. Past the 10 month stage, and they have the strength and liveliness to swing a punch, head-butt, slap, and bite with surprising force. (Lucky for me, Fox draws the line at biting, but I have some friends whose babies specialise in it).
I now take toys out of my son’s hand before I lift him up, just in case he hits me with them. I’m never sure if he’s going in for a cuddle or a head-butt. Every morning my husband and I lay in bed protecting our heads, because there is something about getting whacked full force, while you’re innocently snoozing which makes it feel all the worse. For the record getting hit on your eyeball is a really bad way to start the day.
The funny thing is that he delivers all his blows with a sweet smile or a gameful laugh. As if he’s thinking “hey guys, aren’t we having SO MUCH FUN!”
I know other parents who’ve also suffered blows from their offspring;
My sister once had to rush to A&E with blood gushing from her nose while she was heavily pregnant thanks to my niece (then two) who threw her head back in laughter so violently that she nearly broke my sister’s nose.
Another friend had a building brick thrown so hard by his two-year-old that he has a feint scar on the bridge of his nose.
Another friend thought he might not be able to have children after his 3-year-old nephew kicked him, play-fighting, in the balls. His crown jewels remained black for 6 weeks afterwards.
Babies only get away with beating us up on a daily basis because they look so damn cute; this catch-all also lets them off their sleeping patterns, crying fits and other bad habits (mother nature is a clever beast). They also of course, have no understanding of what they are doing, so they don’t yet realise that giving one’s parent a black eye is generally considered a no-no, and therefore are hard to reprimand. They don’t even understand what a reprimand is.
In fact, what really puts little people on a par with master criminals is that they have NO conscience and they get NO comeuppance. Babies huh, they’re smarter than they look…!
Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, join our Blogging Network & start posting!
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Molly Gunn is the Curator of Goodness at Selfish Mother, a site she created for likeminded women in 2013. Molly has been a journalist for over 15 years, starting out on fashion desks at The Guardian, The Telegraph & ES Magazine before going freelance in 2006 to write for publications including Red, Stella, Grazia, Net-A-Porter and ELLE. She now edits Selfish Mother and creates #GoodTees which are sold via TheFMLYStore.com and John Lewis and have so far raised £650K for charity. Molly is mother to Rafferty, 5, Fox, 3 and baby Liberty. Molly is married to Tom, aka music producer Tee Mango and founder of Millionhands. They live, work and play in Somerset.
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