The Big C Word

ColemanClan - 5 Nov 15

The BIG C word!

I am not a writer and this is my first blog post….I hope that people can relate or perhaps take something from my experience.

Three weeks ago I had an operation on my left breast. I had been leaking bloody discharge and after months of tests and hospital appointments it was finally decided to find out the cause. I was told all my milk ducts needed to be removed and tested for Cancer. All that entered my head at that very moment was  – hold on does that mean I wouldn’t be able to breast feed again if we chose in the future to ‘try’ for the girl! Sounds stupid…BUT obsessing over anything else was better than thinking at all about that C word!

The operation was the easiest thing in the world compared to the wait for the results! When I came around the surgeon said, and yes I’m quoting “It went well and we removed all the milk ducts. I have booked you in for an appointment to discuss your results in three weeks time. If the results are all clear then someone will probably phone you to give you the results and you won’t need to attend the appointment”. I left the hospital still in a bit of a daze but already praying I would get that call! It wasn’t a promise. It wasn’t even a definite, it was a probably.

Two weeks went by and still nothing.

By this point I’m;
– Not sleeping
– Cuddling the boys….A LOT!
– Reminiscing with my husband at every chance I get
– Making plans to pack up and travel the world as a family
– Teaching the children all the things I suddenly feel are really important (like how lucky they are, how other children have to live, about fairness and equality, patience and forgiveness and all those other things I try to live by)
– I’m making our favourite dinners with enthusiasm
– I’m shouting a lot less!

So this morning I woke up resigned to the fact that I didn’t get THAT call. We took the children to school and went straight to the hospital. Hubby and I sat down in the waiting room and held each others hand. Men are funny creatures. Not once has he said a great deal about this whole ordeal other than to say “don’t be silly. It will be fine”! Except in that moment I saw it hit him. Like a ton of bricks (who came up with that saying…why not ‘like an elephant or something equally as heavy??) Suddenly he was making a fuss, checking if I was okay, if I needed anything. Checking exactly what the doctor had said after the op. Telling me that taking that world trip sounded like an amazing plan. I knew in that moment he felt like I did! He was wondering if our life was about to change forever! Due to a fire alarm that morning the appointments were running almost an hour late. The hour was agonising to say the least!

I walked into that room, slowly and to be honest shaking slightly. The nurse told me to take a seat. Before I even got to the chair my surgeon walked in. He hadn’t even stopped walking before announcing “Mrs Coleman, your results were all fine.” The rest of his sentence about what had caused the chronic inflammation and infection was ignored! All of that worry to be told in under 20seconds flat that I would be fine. That WE would be fine!

After crying on and off with relief for hours we decided to celebrate with my parents and go for lunch @CrescentTurner in Whitstable. The food was top notch and helped down nicely by the complimentary bottle of fizz that arrived at the table after discussing our day with the waitress. This place is stunning with the most amazing views of the sea.

I’m now completely emotionally drained. I’m typing this post whilst  in bed having finally had the chance to think it all through.

Here are my thoughts;
1. I can’t for some reason help but picture how the rest of my day COULD have gone
2. I shall be writing to the hospital to thank them for the neat scar (barely visible), caring doctors and nurses who happened to bump me up the surgical list that day
3. In said letter I will suggest that being told that you may get a call if nothing is wrong is perhaps a not very thought through procedure, considering EVERYONE will be praying for that call. However If you were to  get the call without expecting one, BONUS!
4. I can’t help but wonder…If I hadn’t been told I may receive that call, would I have been feeling as I was (see list above)
5. In list above, other than the not sleeping, Is there anything I would change?
6. No! I am promising myself that those things will not change. I will cuddle more, shout less and teach my children all of those lessons.
7. Yes. We have decided to put things in motion for our world trip (knowing it will take a few years before we can go)!
8. Quotes such as ‘Live for today’ ‘Life is too short’ ‘Carpe Diem’ etc are all too true and were clearly first said by some very wise old men…*cough *cough or most probably, women.
9. I am feeling mixed emotions.

Obviously my overwhelming feelings are that of being happy and ridiculously relieved but there are also nagging feelings of guilt. Guilt, that i’m one of the lucky ones and sadness thinking about the thousands of people who came out of that room facing the unknown

ColemanClan

A mum of three young boys, a wife and a publican! Not much more I can fit into my life other than that! :)

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