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The Crystal Maze – Parenting Special!
I LOVED The Crystal Maze (although I was obviously very, very young when it was on telly. Honest). Rumour has it that this exciting nostalgia extravaganza is to be hosted by David Tennant. Now it’s entirely possible the production team may take the decision to have him wear slightly more than just his pants (as per my mock up above), but I think we can all agree that this would be an editorial mistake.
What’s more I’ve
Opening sequence – The Descent into Parenthood
Contestants are put into a giant centrifuge-type fairground ride, and spun round in the pitch black to a soundtrack of newborn squawking, with occasional flashes of light and booming
’You’re going to spoil that baby if you don’t put it down’
’Just give him a rusk and he’ll sleep through’
’That baby needs to learn to go to sleep by itself’
’You’ll never succeed at breastfeeding if you introduce bottles you know’.
This will go some way towards emulating the disorientation that greets all new parents, at which point they’ll be strung onto bungee ropes (fashioned to look like umbilical cords) and launched from the ceiling into an endless abyss, over a vat of mustard-seed-poop-infused
Here’s the game bit. Also dangling from the ceiling and around the walls are opened-mouthed infants screaming for food. Contestants will be split into Team Breast and Team Bottle. Team Breast can choose to fire their own boobs or wear a lactation vest, while Team Bottle will get formula holsters (opportunity for sponsorship here). They must each aim for the baby’s mouths as they bounce up and down trying not to get diluted baby shit in their hair.
(The original Crystal Maze was not played in opposing teams, but for some reason
The team that gets the most milk in mouths by the time the buzzer goes off is the winner, and David Tenant will mark their scores in a little red book of doom, just like the ones used to track the weight of real-life babies. His glamorous Health Visitor assistant will stand by and occasionally tut.
Onto the zones!
The Baby Zone
1. Milk challenge
Thought this was over after the first game? Not on your nelly, Kelly! It’s never over. In fact someone from the team will have to come back every 40-45 minutes and do either this game or the original Descent for the entire duration of the the Baby Zone. (After a while a box set of Game of Thrones will be made available to play on a
Here’s how it works. The chosen contestant walks into the room to find a massive vat of milk at one end, and a giant baby stomach at the other. In between are a series of pipes going through various chambers. You need to extract enough milk by diagnosing and solving the problem in each chamber to release the door lock. At your disposal are a number of tools – including nipple shields, lanolin, steralising equipment, cabbage leaves, hot and cold compresses and GIN. Four
Chamber 1: A giant pair of sore nipples. You have to soothe them enough to allow enough milk through to unlock the next chamber.
Chamber 2: Swollen mastitis tits.
Chamber 3: Here there’s just a crappy hand pump you have to operate single handed – causing debilitating thumb cramp.
Chamber 4: Correct the latch on three live nursing mothers! (Apply discretionary gin).
Chamber 5: Disassemble, wash, and stack 8 different types of bottles into a single steraliser, deploying your dexterity, speed and
Camber 6: Make up a day’s worth of bottles using both formula and frozen breast milk. Spillage will result in automatic lock-in!
Team mates are allowed to help by offering advice and encouragement from outside the room, but only through a crackly baby monitor.
Nappy challenge
It’s a physical one, so the team will have to pick their fastest player, with the strongest stomach and weakest sense of smell. Armed with a random selection of cloths and disposables, they’ve got 3 minutes on the clock to clean,
The participant will be dressed in a white lycra bodysuit, and will lose time for each fresh splatter on their person. They’ll need to duck, dive and danger-roll their way through the room, rather like Catherine Zeta Jones the film Entrapment, but with projectile bodily waste instead of lasers.
Pelvic floor game
One for the ladies! A test of the postnatal pelvic floor strength.
Raising your eyebrows results in automatic lock-in.
Buggy challenge
8 different ‘travel systems’. 4 minutes on the clock. You have to assemble each system
Weaning game
This is basically just a massive food fight, involving mostly carrot batons and pureed squash. Think of it like a psychedelic, perma-staining orange version of the famous ‘La Tomatina’ festival. The objective of the game is to insert some food into some babies, who are lined up along a
Sling obstacle course
Team mates must agree whether to go buckles or wrap, front or back carry, and pick their most experienced babywearing member. Once the baby (model, obvs) is in, the contestant must complete a series of obstacles designed to test balance and core strength. There’s probably a balance beam, some army-type tyres, and
At the end of the course contestants must successfully transfer their sleeping baby from the sling to a cot. If the baby ‘wakes’ at this point it will result in automatic lock-in, during which the contestant must endure the incessant screaming of an under-napped infant.
Toddler zone
1. Bedtime ninjas
You’re stuck in
Playdate Chinese whispers
Two player game. You’re both strapped
You are whipped apart constantly as the wheels go round, and must solve (on the move) challenges like stopping a small child eating crap off the floor, kissing bumped body parts better, attempting to consume your own beverage, breaking up fights over toys and sharing, and explaining at length why we don’t throw and/or why we
If player 2 can accurately recall and repeat the information from player 1 after 300 rotations, you’ll be let out of the room.
Bag packing
You must pack 4 bags in 4 minutes to unlock the door. A pile of crap is in the middle of the room, and there are 4 scenarios you have to pack for. The first is a park trip on a slightly rainy Autumn day, with a six month old and a toddler. The second is a summer picnic with two pre-schoolers, with the addition of possible water play. The third is a Sunday dinner at Grandma’s with
Failure to remember the requisite number of nappies, costume changes, wipes, nappy bags, snacks, drinks, entertainments and specialist equipment will result in lock-in.
‘Helpful’ advice can be provided by team mates, who will stand by impotently and ask occasionally what you’re getting so stressed about – very much like your other half in daily domestic packing scenarios.
Toy excavation
You are given instructions
Sandwich challenge
A logic
From
Return to work game
This one probably straddles the baby and toddler zones. The returnee is thrown into a room with 3 minutes on the clock. Here they must dig through piles of clothes to find something vaguely work-worthy. Obviously the clothes are all 1 to 2 sizes too small, require
Next, they must run the gauntlet of sticky hands, toothpaste and snot hurled at them randomly on their way to
Preschool zone
1. Craft/Baking challenge
Yep, it’s time to have creative, interactive and theoretically educational sensory ’fun’ with small children! David spins the Pinterest Wheel of Misfortune, and picks you out a craft project and a novelty cupcake design. You are also issued with four random children aged between 3 and 5, some of whom are related to each other – or to you – for the
You will be supplied with completely spurious aprons (crusted together from last time for added reality), plus a myriad of ingredients including toilet rolls, wooden spoons, sequins, scales, pom poms, googly eyes, eggs, flour, cotton wool and butter. It’s your job to sort the frosting from the playdoh, the edible glitter from the glitter glitter, and the PVA glue from the milk.
Points will be deducted for:
Meltdowns
Failure to enforce turn taking
Egg shell/snot in the bowl
Glitter in orifices/glue
Removed aprons
Flour explosions
Sloppy mixing/painting
Consumption of raw egg/craft materials
Colouring outside the lines
First degree burns
Double dipping
Misuse of scissors
Pipe cleaner sword fights/stabbings
Inedible cakes
Unidentifiable craft sheep/bears/parrots/snowmen
Yelling
Consumption of alcohol to numb the pain
Doing it all yourself because the kids are shit at everything.
The final offerings will be judged by public vote, and/or new Channel 4 signing Paul Hollywood.
Lego
Not only do you have to follow the instructions to complete a spurious lego model, the pieces you require can only be retrieved one at a time, across a 10 metre tray of raw lego. Contestants are, obviously, bare footed. A generous 5 minutes for this one.
Imaginative play
Here you get to choose your own fate, by picking your own category of imaginative play. Options include Mums and Dads, Doctors and Nurses, Princesses, Octonauts, Paw Patrol, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, or Scooby Doo.
There is no time limit
You must also do all of the voices, on national telly. With David Tennant listening. ***Shudder***
Infestation challenge
Welcome to
Soft play challenge
This door basically opens into your average soft play centre on a rainy Saturday morning. You have 4 minutes, and a pair of white socks. You have to rescue a screaming
(Top tip: Choose your route wisely and avoid the ball pool at all costs).
Potty training game
One that probably sits between the toddler and pre-school zones. Look, I think by this point in proceedings you’ve
Suffice to say it’s a game of mind-boggling frustration and teeth-gritting endurance, involving gusset scrubbing, mysterious wet patches, mad toilet dashes, pull-up negotiations, bum sniffing and potty-emptying splash-back.
Most of the team are completely broken, and are no longer motivated even by a scantily clad and coyly charming David Tennant. Several are rocking gently in a corner. Others are trying desperately to climb back up the umbilical ropes
The Crystal Dome
For those that DO make it to the end, there’s the final challenge – the legendary Crystal Dome! I’m sure this is still somewhere in the props department, and for the purposes of the Parent Maze it will
It occurs to me looking back over the games that The Parent Maze appears to be somewhat messier and grosser than the original Crystal Maze. That pretty much reflects life post-children though, doesn’t it? Anyhoo – I
Who’s with me?????
Mumonthenetheredge
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