The Day My Bubble Burst

GorgeousNiffy - 3 Apr 18

Five weeks and two days ago I was keeping a secret, a delicious secret that only those closest to us shared. Five weeks and two days ago I was pregnant with our third baby and I was full to the brim with excitement, plans, trepidation and love. We were four days away from our 13 week scan, eager to see our new baby for the first time and have confirmation that all was ok.

I was glowing and I was growing. Being my third pregnancy I wasn’t at all surprised that I had a little bump already, my clothes were getting snug but I loved it. To me it was just a sign that everything was as it should be and my little one was making themselves comfy. I’ve always thought myself fortunate not to suffer morning sickness or any of the other less than favourable symptoms many other women endure. In fact, I’ve been known to bulk buy pregnancy tests just so I can have the reassurance of seeing those two beautiful blue lines. I was also the proud owner of two previous textbook pregnancies with my daughters. There I was skipping along in my life thinking everything was going swimmingly, because why wouldn’t it be?

But five weeks and one day ago I went to the toilet and there was pink on the tissue when I wiped. “That’s odd” I thought, but tried to dismiss it. As the day went on, I found an excuse to go to the toilet many times and the pink stain remained and a fear settled on me. This was a feeling I have never felt before, dread mixed with hope. Dread you are right and hope you are wrong.

I had light cramping in my stomach all day, but I convinced myself it was nerves. When I rang the midwife, I explained what had happened and she reassured me it sounded very normal and nothing to worry about, but the fears spilled over and joined my tears and so she arranged a scan to set my mind at rest.

Five weeks ago, I drove to the hospital. I whispered to my baby “Please be ok, please be ok”. I imagined sending a photo to my friends saying “I gave Mummy and Daddy a scare, but here I am!” Yet, at this time, did I already know?

Because five weeks ago I was told I’d had a missed miscarriage. It was actually a blighted ovum, they told me I’d lost my baby around six weeks, so early that my body had reabsorbed the pregnancy and I was just left with the pregnancy sac. I’d never even noticed the sac on my daughters’ scans, this essential tissue was completely outshone by the gorgeous babies. Now, all I saw on the ultrasound machine was an empty void. Nothing.

I feel foolish. I loved a nothing, a non-thing. I feel tricked and cheated by my own body. But the loss is the most real thing I’ve ever felt. It’s the loss of real hopes and dreams.

This was the moment my pregnancy bubble burst. A very wise friend of mine used those words to describe it and it sums it up perfectly. I’d previously only experienced blissful pregnancies and fairly straight forward births and this had created a shiny, iridescent bubble around us. It sheltered me from the fears of what could go wrong. Even as my circle of friends widened and changed and I’ve learnt that this kind of loss, and worse, affects many parents it made me feel incredibly lucky to never have experienced it myself and although I’d was worried that by trying for another we would be tempting fate, I had my wonderful bubble bouncing those worries away.

And now it’s gone. The jagged edges of heartbreak shattered it in an instant.

Without that protective bubble I feel vulnerable and raw. The bubble was a wonderful place to be, but I know now it wasn’t real.

It’s made me realise just how miraculous the whole process of making, growing and delivering a whole new little person safely into our arms is, and how lucky we already are.

So, do we try again with the knowledge that my pregnancy bubble is no longer there to bounce away the fears? Yes, I hope so, one day. It’s a scarier place, certainly, but there is always hope that a burst bubble will lead to a beautiful rainbow.

GorgeousNiffy

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