THE DAY ‘THE SMACK’ HAPPENED

Anniki Sommerville - 26 Mar 15

As a parent what’s the thing you fear the most?

For me first off there’s the serious stuff. Creepy contagious sicknesses that you hear other parents whispering about, horrible freak accidents and allergic reactions – anything that results in your child being rushed to A&E.

Then there are the middling fears – things like too much sugar, fat, salt and rotten teeth, receding gums and obesity. These can obviously turn into serious concerns eventually (do we really have more tooth decay today? How come all my teeth are alright and I was bought up on a diet of Wagon Wheels and Rice Crispies?)

Next, come the less tangible things – emotional wellbeing, nurturing, holistic stuff- all important, but not so clear cut. Is an hour of CBeebies in the morning lazy parenting? At what point does ‘craft’ become fun? Is it wrong to give a child a pint of ice cubes to play with so you an enjoy a glass of wine in the pub? These are the everyday low-level hum of parenting. They’re annoying because there’s no conclusive answer. It’s all subjective. You have to steer your own path and do whatever feels right.

Then there’s the OTHER fear… the one that’s always been in my top three. This anxiety is basically all about losing my shit as a parent and going mad.

You see I’m one of those people that keeps it all inside. I read somewhere that I’m an ‘obliger’. I would rather eat my own head than upset anyone. I hate the idea of losing control and I like to keep everyone happy. I never swear if someone steps on my toes. I have never given the finger. I rarely get angry… but then every other year I’ll suddenly EXPLODE and the fall-out will last several days.

I’ve always been scared that I’ll I’ll suffer one of these rare, mental explosions when I’m with my daughter. That I’ll bubble over like a furious fondue and go mad. And unfortunately that’s exactly what happened last weekend.

Just after it had happened, I immediately texted a friend in tears and she texted back: ‘What’s the big deal? Why are you so upset?’ I thought to myself, that’s weird, I’ve just done something TERRIBLE and she’s completely nonplussed. Then I re-read my original text. And realised that in my high-anxiety state I’d mistakenly typed- SNACK instead of typing SMACK. My friend basically thought I was bawling my eyes out because I’d offered my daughter a biscuit.

Once I’d explained everything properly, my friend said all the right things. That it was normal, that’d I’d never to it again, that I needed to walk away if I ever felt that level of anger again, that our parents had smacked us and we’d turned out okay. I really needed to hear this and I’d like to thank her. These are the friends you need when you make a bad parenting decision. It would have been easy to pile on the guilt, but she didn’t. I think she could tell she didn’t need to.

What happens when the thing you fear most happens? I’d like to say that it’s bought my daughter and I closer, that I’ve had some sort of golden awakening and learnt not to hold in my emotions.

But the truth is at first I just felt awful (justifiably so).

I’ve heard some parents say that smacking under certain circumstances is sort of permissible – so if your child is about to run into the road or do something really dangerous. But my daughter wasn’t in danger. She was doing what she does most mornings. SHE WAS NOT GETTING DRESSED.

She was having a fit about putting on her clothes. And having tried different strategies (I got a tutu out to try and inject some playfulness into things, played peekaboo around the bedroom, told her- ‘we need to get dressed in order to go to the park and have fun’…) I lost it. All the pent up frustration I’d been keeping in every morning exploded and I lashed out. It was quick. I immediately apologised. Even after I’d apologised again and again I continued to re-run what had  happened. How had I let myself get out of control?

You’ll be happy to know that my daughter is okay. She cried. The smack was quick. And it was wrong. I think from my expression she could tell I won’t do it again. Maybe she likes me less. It’s taught me that I need to find other avenues to vent my frustrations. It has also put into perspective all the small, fairly meaningless things that circulate in my head day to day. This is a proper ‘PARENTING FAIL’. It is my first major mess up and probably not my last ( I know I’ll make more mistakes along the way but I won’t resort to this again).

It has also shown me that I’m not the passive ‘obliger’ that I thought I was. There’s actually a frightening, furious side that can come out in the blink of an eye. And maybe I need to swear at random strangers more often. I need to flip the finger out the car window rather than keeping everyone happy. Let the steam out of the kettle before it boils so to speak (though this might be a bad parenting example so I’ll need more subtle ways to express my feelings. Maybe expressive, angry pictures made from fuzzy felt?)

Next time I’ll walk away. Give myself a ‘time out’. Next time I feel the fury I’ll be prepared.

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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