Being a ‘Sanctimommy’ and being just plain right

A Woman Less Ordinary - 1 Dec 17

Firstly, a confession – I hate the term Sanctimommy.  It’s just another way of labelling women and putting us down.  Even if it is mostly used by other women.

But for the sake of getting to the point, here are some examples of what a Sanctimommy openly judges other parents for:

• Breastfeeding / bottle feeding decisions
• Choice of nappies – cloth vs disposable
• Baby wearing vs pram
• Organic everything vs cheaper alternatives
• Working vs stay at home parenting
• What kids wear
• Birth choices

Sure, we all make our own parenting choices and judge others silently in our heads.  The difference is whether we share our own choices in the spirit of helping one another or just to make others feel bad / make ourselves feel better.  If the topic is about something in the past that can not be changed, then yes, that is definitely Sanctimommy territory.

I have a lot of strong opinions on parenting children (babies, not so much – that’s more a question of survival!) which are based on hard facts and a lot of teaching experience.  I share these with my friends and here with you in the spirit of trying to help.  I’m sure it’s not always received in the way I intended, but I think that supporting each other in this – the hardest of all jobs – should involve practical help and advice as well as commiseration.  Parents can and should learn from each other.

It is harder to state an opinion and defend it than it is to just sneer at someone else’s opinion and slap a label like Santimommy on it without giving it any more thought.  It worries me deeply that there is a parenting trend of it’s too hard to do a good job with articles such as Isn’t my Threenager’s poor behaviour hilarious? and 101 foods that my child won’t eat.  Yes, it’s hard.  Sometimes so hard that you wonder why you thought that becoming a parent was a good idea.  But that doesn’t give any of us a free pass to do nothing.  We’re responsible for another human life.

Your spending decisions are up to you, disagree with them as I might in my own head.  What you consider to be acceptable behaviour may be different to what I deem acceptable, which again is your choice.  BUT there are some universal truths that are just plain right:

• Your child needs boundaries and discipline; the nature of which is up to you. There is no such thing as a Threenager.  Really.
• Your child needs to eat as well as possible, within the context of your own family values and budget.  No vegetables and a daily McDonalds IS poor parenting.
• Your child needs safety and stability as far as is possible.  You’ll never be perfect, but just be mindful of this and do your best.
• You need to be a positive role model, as do the other important adults in your kids life.  You won’t get anywhere with do as I say, not as I do.
• Your kid needs you to listen and spend time with them (as far as your constraints will allow) no matter how old they are.  Even adult kids.  Don’t think that you can replace persistent absence with material things and still have a healthy relationship.
• Your child needs to get enough sleep.  Otherwise their behaviour will be poor, no matter what else you do.
• Limit screen time.  It’s fine to include some, but be mindful of how much and of what quality your child is exposed to.
• The world owes your kid nothing.  Praise and rewards should be earned.
• Your kid is not the most important member of your family.  They are an equally important member of the family, as are you!  Don’t be a martyr or you’ll burn out.  Being a “selfish” parent sometimes is necessary for your mental health.
• Don’t automatically assume that your kid is in the right (or in the wrong).  Listen to their teacher / coach / other kid’s parent etc.  Whilst you need to stand up for your child sometimes, this depends on your certainty that they are the injured party.  Taking your kid’s side, regardless of the facts is a root cause of their entitled behaviour.

Try this: next time you think someone is being a Santimommy ask yourself if there is a grain of truth in what they are saying.  Are you defensive because deep down you think that they’re right or genuinely because they’re being an ass hat?

It could be either!

A woman less ordinary is a Teacher, Mother, Geographer, environmentalist, traveler, personal optimist, Mustachian, atheist, feminist and realist.  With 10 years of teaching experience, she has many effective techniques for managing kids’ behaviour (and a lot to say about finance if you’re interested) BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF IT! 

A Woman Less Ordinary

A Woman Less Ordinary lives, parents, purchases and thinks differently. With 10 years of teaching experience, she has many effective techniques for managing kids’ behaviour (and a lot to say about finance if you’re interested) BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANY OF IT!

View profile for posts, events and more info