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View as: GRID LIST

The Good Mother-in-Law Guide

1
When my first baby was born and I chatted to other first-time mums it seemed as if we all had one thing in common. A sense of irritation with our mother-in-laws. For some, myself included, this was just a bit of a joke. I knew I was being hormonal and irrational, and that actually my mother-in-law’s love for our brand new daughter, and desire to be involved with her life, was something to be celebrated and cherished. But for others it was something more sinister. There seemed to be a deep level of mistrust, almost a paranoia that their mother-in-law
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was judging them and even, in some cases, trying to turn their husbands against them.
New motherhood is a scary time. It seems like everyone has advice for you and it can often feel like whatever you do is ’wrong’ even when you’re trying your best. You are often sleep deprived, and existing on a mix of caffeine and adrenaline, and it is so easy to want to shut everyone out and just exist in a tiny bubble with your new baby. But other people are useful. They can keep you sane and help with the housework. Mother-in-law’s included. Now I’m not saying
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that all Mother-in-Law hatred is irrational either. There are some truly dreadful stories out there. But for the majority of us, a little perspective can go a long way.
My own mother, who likes to worry about everything prematurely, has recently expressed concern about being an ’annoying mother-in-law’ if and when my brother and his wife decide to have a baby. I can see where she is coming from. To me, she is hilarious, nurturing and creative with a fantastic sense of humour. But I can see how she could come across as a bit overbearing, with a
SelfishMother.com
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scatter-gun approach to giving out advice, a reluctance to ever stop talking and an indulgent attitude that leads to her being locked in an upstairs bedroom and dressed up as Mother Gothel by an (my) over enthusiastic 3 year old.
So I’ve put together some advice for Mother-in-Laws of new mums. I hope nobody gets offended…

Only give advice if you are directly asked for it. If your daughter-in-law is worried about something she may well just be seeking reassurance that she is doing a good job, rather than wanting to know what to do differently,

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which leads to…

Let her know she is doing a good job. It’s a tough time, especially during the first few weeks, and even if she is dismissive of any praise it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t appreciate it.

Make it clear that you weren’t super mum. Tell her funny stories about the problems you had first time around or be honest about some of things you struggled with.

Don’t demand to hold the baby. This is a really tough one. I know all you want to do is hold the baby but believe me, playing pass-the-baby can be really stressful for

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a new mum. I remember (during the days when I was desperately breastfeeding my daughter ALL THE TIME to try and get her to gain weight) feeling a terrible sense of panic when she wasn’t attached to me, and being too embarrassed to ask for her back. So I’d just sit there feeling resentful and upset, wishing someone would read my mind. Get these first few weeks right and she’ll be crying out for you to hold the baby so she can get a hair cut or have a nap. There is plenty of time.

Don’t repeatedly comment on how much the baby looks like your son.

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Yes, he or she probably does, but you can save those comments for your friends. Your daughter-in-law carried that baby for 9 months and then went through a potentially traumatic and exhausting experience to get it here safely. Your son’s role was significantly less demanding and it can be very galling to be constantly reminded of the fact.

Stick to her rules on food (at least publicly). We all know things were different when your children were young, and the advice is constantly changing, but it’s not your call to choose when to start weaning and

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what to feed the baby. Of course a 10 week old is going to love chocolate buttons and Mr Whippy ice cream but again, there’s plenty of time for that in the future (meaning, when baby number 2 has arrived and everyone has taken their eyes off the ball).

While we’re on the subject, bring food when you come and visit. Cake is good, but even better is a homemade healthy meal that the parents can stick in the microwave. This is particularly good if you are visiting from far away and might need feeding. Do the washing up too, or load the dishwasher.

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That’s probably one of the kindest things anyone could have done for me in the early days.

Don’t be dismissive of her concerns. As rather a laissez-faire parent, I never had many concerns about my babies and tended to just muddle through with no routine or plan. But I learnt recently that constantly saying ’it’s nothing to worry about’ can be equally annoying as giving someone 100 new things to worry about. So try to be reassuring whilst listening to her concerns. Asking questions, like ’what have you tried?’ is much better than coming out

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all guns blazing with your own advice. Most people work out the answers to their problems themselves if they can find someone who will really listen to them.

Don’t moan about your daughter-in-law to your son. He might well relay what you’ve said (probably by mistake), and then you’ll be black listed for sometime. The man for this job is your husband or partner. He will pretend to listen, while you sound off, but actually he’ll be more than likely listening to the cricket, reading the paper or thinking about whether the garden needs weeding. We

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all know men can’t multitask, so you’ll feel better for sounding off, but no harm will be done as he won’t have heard a word you said.

And finally, develop a thick skin and repeat the mantra, ’this too shall pass’. Take any rebuffs and snappy comments with a pinch of salt. Remind yourself that having a newborn, especially first time around, is enough to make even the sanest person a little bit unhinged. Keep in contact, and arrange to visit often (don’t just drop by unannounced though. That’s terrifyingly stressful!). Be useful. Ask what you

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can do to help. And persevere. If you get these first few months right, your relationship with your daughter-in-law will be stronger than ever.

To my own mother-in-law, if I was ever a nightmare in those early weeks then I’m truly sorry. My girls are so lucky to have such involved grandparents living close by. And to my own mum, good luck in your new role (if and when the time comes – don’t get ahead of yourself). It’s a bit like crossing the road. Stop, look and listen, and you’ll be fine.

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- 1 Mar 16

When my first baby was born and I chatted to other first-time mums it seemed as if we all had one thing in common. A sense of irritation with our mother-in-laws. For some, myself included, this was just a bit of a joke. I knew I was being hormonal and irrational, and that actually my mother-in-law’s love for our brand new daughter, and desire to be involved with her life, was something to be celebrated and cherished. But for others it was something more sinister. There seemed to be a deep level of mistrust, almost a paranoia that their mother-in-law was judging them and even, in some cases, trying to turn their husbands against them.

New motherhood is a scary time. It seems like everyone has advice for you and it can often feel like whatever you do is ‘wrong’ even when you’re trying your best. You are often sleep deprived, and existing on a mix of caffeine and adrenaline, and it is so easy to want to shut everyone out and just exist in a tiny bubble with your new baby. But other people are useful. They can keep you sane and help with the housework. Mother-in-law’s included. Now I’m not saying that all Mother-in-Law hatred is irrational either. There are some truly dreadful stories out there. But for the majority of us, a little perspective can go a long way.

My own mother, who likes to worry about everything prematurely, has recently expressed concern about being an ‘annoying mother-in-law’ if and when my brother and his wife decide to have a baby. I can see where she is coming from. To me, she is hilarious, nurturing and creative with a fantastic sense of humour. But I can see how she could come across as a bit overbearing, with a scatter-gun approach to giving out advice, a reluctance to ever stop talking and an indulgent attitude that leads to her being locked in an upstairs bedroom and dressed up as Mother Gothel by an (my) over enthusiastic 3 year old.

So I’ve put together some advice for Mother-in-Laws of new mums. I hope nobody gets offended…

  1. Only give advice if you are directly asked for it. If your daughter-in-law is worried about something she may well just be seeking reassurance that she is doing a good job, rather than wanting to know what to do differently, which leads to…

  2. Let her know she is doing a good job. It’s a tough time, especially during the first few weeks, and even if she is dismissive of any praise it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t appreciate it.

  3. Make it clear that you weren’t super mum. Tell her funny stories about the problems you had first time around or be honest about some of things you struggled with.

  4. Don’t demand to hold the baby. This is a really tough one. I know all you want to do is hold the baby but believe me, playing pass-the-baby can be really stressful for a new mum. I remember (during the days when I was desperately breastfeeding my daughter ALL THE TIME to try and get her to gain weight) feeling a terrible sense of panic when she wasn’t attached to me, and being too embarrassed to ask for her back. So I’d just sit there feeling resentful and upset, wishing someone would read my mind. Get these first few weeks right and she’ll be crying out for you to hold the baby so she can get a hair cut or have a nap. There is plenty of time.

  5. Don’t repeatedly comment on how much the baby looks like your son. Yes, he or she probably does, but you can save those comments for your friends. Your daughter-in-law carried that baby for 9 months and then went through a potentially traumatic and exhausting experience to get it here safely. Your son’s role was significantly less demanding and it can be very galling to be constantly reminded of the fact.

  6. Stick to her rules on food (at least publicly). We all know things were different when your children were young, and the advice is constantly changing, but it’s not your call to choose when to start weaning and what to feed the baby. Of course a 10 week old is going to love chocolate buttons and Mr Whippy ice cream but again, there’s plenty of time for that in the future (meaning, when baby number 2 has arrived and everyone has taken their eyes off the ball).

  7. While we’re on the subject, bring food when you come and visit. Cake is good, but even better is a homemade healthy meal that the parents can stick in the microwave. This is particularly good if you are visiting from far away and might need feeding. Do the washing up too, or load the dishwasher. That’s probably one of the kindest things anyone could have done for me in the early days.

  8. Don’t be dismissive of her concerns. As rather a laissez-faire parent, I never had many concerns about my babies and tended to just muddle through with no routine or plan. But I learnt recently that constantly saying ‘it’s nothing to worry about’ can be equally annoying as giving someone 100 new things to worry about. So try to be reassuring whilst listening to her concerns. Asking questions, like ‘what have you tried?’ is much better than coming out all guns blazing with your own advice. Most people work out the answers to their problems themselves if they can find someone who will really listen to them.

  9. Don’t moan about your daughter-in-law to your son. He might well relay what you’ve said (probably by mistake), and then you’ll be black listed for sometime. The man for this job is your husband or partner. He will pretend to listen, while you sound off, but actually he’ll be more than likely listening to the cricket, reading the paper or thinking about whether the garden needs weeding. We all know men can’t multitask, so you’ll feel better for sounding off, but no harm will be done as he won’t have heard a word you said.

  10. And finally, develop a thick skin and repeat the mantra, ‘this too shall pass’. Take any rebuffs and snappy comments with a pinch of salt. Remind yourself that having a newborn, especially first time around, is enough to make even the sanest person a little bit unhinged. Keep in contact, and arrange to visit often (don’t just drop by unannounced though. That’s terrifyingly stressful!). Be useful. Ask what you can do to help. And persevere. If you get these first few months right, your relationship with your daughter-in-law will be stronger than ever.

To my own mother-in-law, if I was ever a nightmare in those early weeks then I’m truly sorry. My girls are so lucky to have such involved grandparents living close by. And to my own mum, good luck in your new role (if and when the time comes – don’t get ahead of yourself). It’s a bit like crossing the road. Stop, look and listen, and you’ll be fine.

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Hi, I'm Ellie, Wife, Mum to three little girls, part-time teacher, part-time illustrator and part-time stay at home mum (if such a thing exists!). Life is busy but good. I'm based in Cornwall, UK, which is beautiful, especially when the sun is out. We love escaping from work and having adventures in the great outdoors.

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