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View as: GRID LIST

The Guilt of a Mother

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(I originally wrote this a year ago; it’s still so relevant to how a feel torn all the time).

MUM GUILT; (phrase); that permanent feeling that whatever you do is wrong/insufficient/inadequate

I’m sure that some would argue mum guilt isn’t really a thing. I would counter this with an example of some of the things I feel guilty about in just part of any given day. The consequences aren’t always necessarily major, however the feelings of inadequacy that rush alongside them really are. And not just sometimes, but permanently carried around like

SelfishMother.com
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a trunk; the heavy, cumbersome type that a Hogwarts student would take to school on the first day of term, filled with all necessary possessions to see them through the whole a whole year at school.

Let’s just take today as an example: I am currently spending some time on the children’s ward with the boy child, who has a nasty chest infection and also a rampant respiratory virus. So where does the guilt start…

Last week he had a cold, I didn’t take him to the GP because he had no temperature. On Friday night he was much improved; eating,

SelfishMother.com
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interacting with the girl child, even smiling and playing. So imagine my surprise when he barely woke on Saturday and over the course of the morning deteriorated rapidly. Obviously I feel guilty for not taking him to the doctor, because even though rationally I know that they couldn’t have done much at the cold stage, maybe he wouldn’t be so poorly now? Then this is my fourth night with him in the hospital, and therefore it’s the fourth night that I have been away from the girl child, and so I feel bad for both of them. Then, I feel guilty for
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worrying my mum when she’s supposed to be having a relaxing few days away, but now I know she’s focused on this instead. Next I feel guilty because I can’t go to work (because my baby is in the hospital) and that I am letting down my colleagues. Then, scarily, the anxiety kicks in, making all of the guilty feelings a hundred times worse. Now I am anxious about how my absence might affect the girl child; I am anxious because I work part time and I have had a lot of time off for children’s illnesses, and mostly I am anxious about how I will manage
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losing a weeks worth of income, as I know that I won’t get paid for the time I am sitting in the hospital being a strong parent for my child, and not letting all of the things I am worrying about rise up and show themselves. And suddenly, almost without warning, this one event has spiralled me into an all consuming cycle of guilt and worry; and it’s inescapable.

And this is just one part of one day.

Mum guilt IS real; we carry it around with us all the time, in every decision that we do or don’t make. Throw the demon that is anxiety into the

SelfishMother.com
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mix and it’s just a huge melting pot of…well it’s just a big mess really.
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dramadiesofanexetermum

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- 20 Nov 19

(I originally wrote this a year ago; it’s still so relevant to how a feel torn all the time).

MUM GUILT; (phrase); that permanent feeling that whatever you do is wrong/insufficient/inadequate

I’m sure that some would argue mum guilt isn’t really a thing. I would counter this with an example of some of the things I feel guilty about in just part of any given day. The consequences aren’t always necessarily major, however the feelings of inadequacy that rush alongside them really are. And not just sometimes, but permanently carried around like a trunk; the heavy, cumbersome type that a Hogwarts student would take to school on the first day of term, filled with all necessary possessions to see them through the whole a whole year at school.

Let’s just take today as an example: I am currently spending some time on the children’s ward with the boy child, who has a nasty chest infection and also a rampant respiratory virus. So where does the guilt start…

Last week he had a cold, I didn’t take him to the GP because he had no temperature. On Friday night he was much improved; eating, interacting with the girl child, even smiling and playing. So imagine my surprise when he barely woke on Saturday and over the course of the morning deteriorated rapidly. Obviously I feel guilty for not taking him to the doctor, because even though rationally I know that they couldn’t have done much at the cold stage, maybe he wouldn’t be so poorly now? Then this is my fourth night with him in the hospital, and therefore it’s the fourth night that I have been away from the girl child, and so I feel bad for both of them. Then, I feel guilty for worrying my mum when she’s supposed to be having a relaxing few days away, but now I know she’s focused on this instead. Next I feel guilty because I can’t go to work (because my baby is in the hospital) and that I am letting down my colleagues. Then, scarily, the anxiety kicks in, making all of the guilty feelings a hundred times worse. Now I am anxious about how my absence might affect the girl child; I am anxious because I work part time and I have had a lot of time off for children’s illnesses, and mostly I am anxious about how I will manage losing a weeks worth of income, as I know that I won’t get paid for the time I am sitting in the hospital being a strong parent for my child, and not letting all of the things I am worrying about rise up and show themselves. And suddenly, almost without warning, this one event has spiralled me into an all consuming cycle of guilt and worry; and it’s inescapable.

And this is just one part of one day.

Mum guilt IS real; we carry it around with us all the time, in every decision that we do or don’t make. Throw the demon that is anxiety into the mix and it’s just a huge melting pot of…well it’s just a big mess really.

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