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View as: GRID LIST

An Honest Letter to My Husband

1
It was recently my wedding anniversary and I could have put a wistful post up on Instagram, a picture of us on our wedding day all doe eyed and high on love with a caption along the lines of ‘ love you more today etc etc’ But that wouldn’t have been how I was really feeling; and I’m pretty sure more honesty wouldn’t go amiss?

So if you’re out there reading this having a shitty time, thinking ‘Fuck why am I still married, this is not what I wanted, this is not what I thought my life would be’. Then I’m telling you you’re not alone.

SelfishMother.com
2
Lots of people will be/ are feeling this way. It’s just lots of people present a very different life on the internet to the one they are actually living. In my mind Cinderella has a shit load to answer for, marriage and babies doesn’t necessarily equal domestic bliss, it isn’t always the holy grail young girls are sold & FYI you aren’t failing if you don’t have a Disney like grin on your face years into a marriage.

The truth is I’m astounded our union has come this far, and it was/ is not without its trials and tribulations. The day-to-day

SelfishMother.com
3
reality of marriage is a bit of a comedown after the engagement and wedding day buzz (well, for me, anyway).

Once the confetti has settled and the dinner service has been put away to gather dust, real-life kicks back in and you have to work at it. ’Getting comfortable with one another’ is a nice way of admitting you are neglecting one another. When life gets busy, your spouse tends to fall to the bottom of your ’to do’ list (quite literally in many instances) add children in to the mix and well, let’s be frank, here’s where it all goes ’tits

SelfishMother.com
4
up’ (or should that read ’tits down’).

Joking aside, co-parenting is one of the hardest things married couples have to do. Prior to getting married, I was not and still am not, one of those people who made life plans.  So I didn’t ever sit down with my husband to be, and chat about how he planned to parent our potential future children with me.

We didn’t chat about our views on religion – would we bring our children up with one? We didn’t chat about schools, clubs, and pushy parenting vs the laissez-faire approach, who’d get up in the

SelfishMother.com
5
night? Who’d work? Who would deal with the childcare??? We just didn’t plan to be parents. The biggest single thing you can do in life together – and we just went gung ho into it.

In fact, the only mention of children I made pre-marriage was the frank discussion we had when I told him I didn’t know if I could even have children naturally or otherwise, due to medical issues. So I said that if being a daddy was a deal-breaker for his future plans, I was OK with him walking away.  Poor dude said he was fine with or without the patter of tiny feet

SelfishMother.com
6
and we soldiered on.

Now, because of our lack of planning about children, we royally wing it. We have mini-parenting board meetings in front of the children about what to do next (we know we’re not meant to do that but we’re crap at putting it into practice). Or we snipe at each other when the children are in bed about the way in which one of us dealt with a certain situation; where the goal posts are and, more importantly, who moved them.

So there was no gushy Instagram post from me this year saying: ’I love you more today than ever, I’m so

SelfishMother.com
7
pleased I married my best friend.’

Instead there was just this honest letter and a hope we might make it to 9 years:

 

Dearest B

Happy Anniversary my dear old thing. Here’s a ‘high five’ as we’re both still alive, eight years is an achievement that didn’t seem possible at points. Let’s pitch for 9? Or 10? I’d rather aim for 10 if you’re OK with that? As you know I’m not a fan of odd numbers!

In amongst the chaos, there are glimmers that remind me why I said ‘yes’ eight years ago. You still have an ability to flip my

SelfishMother.com
8
tummy with a look – when, in that split second, I feel 18 again, foolish, heady, hopeful.

I appreciate all you do for us as a family, to keep a roof over our heads, and keep us clothed and fed.

I’m aware you do it all for us and not because you simply love work. But please appreciate everything I do for us as a family too.

I don’t need a gold star for unloading the dishwasher or getting the boy to school on time, but I would like some acknowledgment that this stuff is hard too. Juggling all this with a job makes me feel resentful at times, I

SelfishMother.com
9
do admit.

Or perhaps this resentment is aimed more at society, in general, for placing no importance on my day-to-day activities; and sadly you bear the brunt. I am not just a house-wife; I am not just a mum; but I do get that that I am seen this way by society.

But please not by you. Please see me as the woman you married, the ‘me’ who once danced on tables at times; the ‘me’ who laughed a lot and loudly. The ‘me’ who waxed regularly and always wore make-up. The ‘me’ stealing the limelight in that wedding photo, wind in a veil,

SelfishMother.com
10
ready to fly, remember her?

It’s corny, but Ellie Golding has us about summed up: ’We’ve had our share of mistakes, but all your flaws and scars are mine, still falling for you.’ 15 years on B and undoubtedly your flaws are my flaws.

I imagine the teenage years with our children are going to be a challenge for us and our very different outlooks on parenting. Maybe we should discuss now our stance on: Curfews? Under-age drinking? Sex? Porn? University vs. the school of life? The fact I will not parent our daughter any differently to our

SelfishMother.com
11
son?

It may take a while to agree on this parenting task list but I fear we have little chance of getting a gold medal in marriage without doing our homework prior to this phase.

Let’s stick at it for as long as we can muster B? And if we do go out, let’s go out in a blaze of flames and passion – (preferably in an even year ).

Me xx

SelfishMother.com

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The Internet Lies - Hashtag Bad Parent

- 15 Nov 16

It was recently my wedding anniversary and I could have put a wistful post up on Instagram, a picture of us on our wedding day all doe eyed and high on love with a caption along the lines of ‘ love you more today etc etc’ But that wouldn’t have been how I was really feeling; and I’m pretty sure more honesty wouldn’t go amiss?

So if you’re out there reading this having a shitty time, thinking ‘Fuck why am I still married, this is not what I wanted, this is not what I thought my life would be’. Then I’m telling you you’re not alone. Lots of people will be/ are feeling this way. It’s just lots of people present a very different life on the internet to the one they are actually living. In my mind Cinderella has a shit load to answer for, marriage and babies doesn’t necessarily equal domestic bliss, it isn’t always the holy grail young girls are sold & FYI you aren’t failing if you don’t have a Disney like grin on your face years into a marriage.

The truth is I’m astounded our union has come this far, and it was/ is not without its trials and tribulations. The day-to-day reality of marriage is a bit of a comedown after the engagement and wedding day buzz (well, for me, anyway).

Once the confetti has settled and the dinner service has been put away to gather dust, real-life kicks back in and you have to work at it. ‘Getting comfortable with one another’ is a nice way of admitting you are neglecting one another. When life gets busy, your spouse tends to fall to the bottom of your ‘to do’ list (quite literally in many instances) add children in to the mix and well, let’s be frank, here’s where it all goes ‘tits up’ (or should that read ‘tits down’).

Joking aside, co-parenting is one of the hardest things married couples have to do. Prior to getting married, I was not and still am not, one of those people who made life plans.  So I didn’t ever sit down with my husband to be, and chat about how he planned to parent our potential future children with me.

We didn’t chat about our views on religion – would we bring our children up with one? We didn’t chat about schools, clubs, and pushy parenting vs the laissez-faire approach, who’d get up in the night? Who’d work? Who would deal with the childcare??? We just didn’t plan to be parents. The biggest single thing you can do in life together – and we just went gung ho into it.

In fact, the only mention of children I made pre-marriage was the frank discussion we had when I told him I didn’t know if I could even have children naturally or otherwise, due to medical issues. So I said that if being a daddy was a deal-breaker for his future plans, I was OK with him walking away.  Poor dude said he was fine with or without the patter of tiny feet and we soldiered on.

Now, because of our lack of planning about children, we royally wing it. We have mini-parenting board meetings in front of the children about what to do next (we know we’re not meant to do that but we’re crap at putting it into practice). Or we snipe at each other when the children are in bed about the way in which one of us dealt with a certain situation; where the goal posts are and, more importantly, who moved them.

So there was no gushy Instagram post from me this year saying: ‘I love you more today than ever, I’m so pleased I married my best friend.’

Instead there was just this honest letter and a hope we might make it to 9 years:

 

Dearest B

Happy Anniversary my dear old thing. Here’s a ‘high five’ as we’re both still alive, eight years is an achievement that didn’t seem possible at points. Let’s pitch for 9? Or 10? I’d rather aim for 10 if you’re OK with that? As you know I’m not a fan of odd numbers!

In amongst the chaos, there are glimmers that remind me why I said ‘yes’ eight years ago. You still have an ability to flip my tummy with a look – when, in that split second, I feel 18 again, foolish, heady, hopeful.

I appreciate all you do for us as a family, to keep a roof over our heads, and keep us clothed and fed.

I’m aware you do it all for us and not because you simply love work. But please appreciate everything I do for us as a family too.

I don’t need a gold star for unloading the dishwasher or getting the boy to school on time, but I would like some acknowledgment that this stuff is hard too. Juggling all this with a job makes me feel resentful at times, I do admit.

Or perhaps this resentment is aimed more at society, in general, for placing no importance on my day-to-day activities; and sadly you bear the brunt. I am not just a house-wife; I am not just a mum; but I do get that that I am seen this way by society.

But please not by you. Please see me as the woman you married, the ‘me’ who once danced on tables at times; the ‘me’ who laughed a lot and loudly. The ‘me’ who waxed regularly and always wore make-up. The ‘me’ stealing the limelight in that wedding photo, wind in a veil, ready to fly, remember her?

It’s corny, but Ellie Golding has us about summed up: ‘We’ve had our share of mistakes, but all your flaws and scars are mine, still falling for you.’ 15 years on B and undoubtedly your flaws are my flaws.

I imagine the teenage years with our children are going to be a challenge for us and our very different outlooks on parenting. Maybe we should discuss now our stance on: Curfews? Under-age drinking? Sex? Porn? University vs. the school of life? The fact I will not parent our daughter any differently to our son?

It may take a while to agree on this parenting task list but I fear we have little chance of getting a gold medal in marriage without doing our homework prior to this phase.

Let’s stick at it for as long as we can muster B? And if we do go out, let’s go out in a blaze of flames and passion – (preferably in an even year ).

Me xx

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A Mother, a Wife, a part-time Project Manager, a very bad but keen runner and a blogger. #badparent is my brutally honest & hopefully humorous (at times a little sweary) account of parenthood with my two tiny humans. http://hashtagbadparent.com/

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