The ‘L’ word

Leona Petch - 15 Jul 16

I love you.

Although, to be honest, I don’t feel that ‘love’ describes it accurately enough. It’s a tiny four letter word, surely there must be something bigger & more significant than ‘love’? I feel something so much stronger than that. Sometimes when I look at you my heart actually, physically hurts because I love you so much, & with every day that passes that feeling grows.

I didn’t always feel this way though. I remember our first night in hospital, alone, after your dad went home. I looked down and saw you lying in my arms & I was terrified. The sudden realisation that I was responsible for a tiny, living creature was completely overwhelming. Everyone told me how it would be ‘love at first sight’ – honestly, it wasn’t. There were no lightening bolts, no angels singing, there was no rush of unconditional love. Honestly? In those first few days, I was terrified.

No one told me that my love for you would grow over time. As I’ve got to know you, as we’ve strengthened our bond & found our own unique rhythm my love for you has grown & grown. I love you with every thing I have, completely, totally & unconditionally.

Being your mum is the most incredible, wonderful, challenging thing in the world. There are tough days. There are days when, for some reason, we lose our rhythm & get out of sync with each other. There are days when I shout, days when I lose my temper, days when I’m not the best mum I could be. At the end of every day, before I go to sleep I wonder if I loved you enough today? Did you feel loved? Did you feel safe? Did you feel happy?

Every day you do something new or different which makes me so immensely proud of you. When you said “mumma” for the first time yesterday I wanted to freeze time so I could listen to it over and over again. The week before, when you started to give proper, cute little kisses before bed I had happy tears in my eyes when I was tucking you in. Everything you do amazes me. Seeing you grow and develop from a tiny baby into an incredible little human is the most wonderful thing – I feel so lucky to be your mum.

I look how far we have come since those early days. I remember how, sometimes, I wondered how we would get through the day. I remember how scared I felt. Things have changed so much since then. Yes we have tough days, but they pale into insignificance when you do something tiny that instantly reminds me how much I love you.

I hope, as you grow up, you know how much you mean to me. I hope you always feel safe, protected & loved. I hope I give you all the chances and support you deserve to help you become the best person you can be. Mostly though, I want you to know that love you more than I did yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow. You mean the world to me little bear.

Leona Petch

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