THE LIFE COACH: GUILT TRIP

Natalie Alexia - 26 Sep 13

Our resident life coach knows what it’s like to have the mother of all guilt trips

I don’t know about you…. but over the last 12 years as I’ve brought up my children, guilt has been a major player in my range of emotions. There has never before been three little people that I cared so much for, or had such an desire to ‘get it right’ for as there has been in my role of Mum.

My guilt takes all sorts of forms…

• When they were babies; it was about how cross I was when they wouldn’t stop crying and go back to sleep
• As a working mum; it’s about how much time I spend with them in general
• As a mother of 3; how much individual attention I give them
• When patience escapes me; how I lose my temper and shout
• Or most recently; my guilt about my seven year old getting the school bus instead of a lift from me

Now as I write and intellectualise the above statements a number of logical thoughts pop into my mind…

• I am not a super hero
• My son will not suffer long-term emotional damage from getting the bus
• I’m working so I can look after them
• I am aware that my children want and need my time and attention (and awareness is GOOD)

It boils down to the fact that I am human and have a range of natural human emotions: happy, excited, loving, cross, bored, frustrated, and, yes… guilty. Unless I’m going to indulge in a large amount of happy pills… I need to allow myself to feel all of the above when they hit! However in that heart-wrenching moment of guilt and frustration, whatever the situation may be it is all too easy to beat ourselves up and label ourselves a Bad Mother.

Here’s the GREAT, WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC news! If you are reading this and can relate, a little or a lot… YOU are an AMAZING Mum. Your children are lucky to have you!

You care. You think so much about the choices you make for your children, and the way you are with them, that it matters enough to rack you with guilt if you think you got it wrong.

I have spent a long time researching and working in the field of human potential training, coaching, personal development, limiting beliefs and self image etc. What I have found to be true, is that most people feel at peace with their parenting and their parents if two key factors were in place as they were growing up, LOVE and SUPPORT.

If you feel guilty, the most likely reason for is that showing your child love and support through your words and actions is a priority to you. The guilt is your emotional intelligence reminding you how much it matters to you, the guilt is doing a job, the guilt is reminding you, you are a loving Mother.

Now back to the anomaly that is ‘getting it right.’ I apologise in advance if I am shattering anyone’s illusions here… but there is no such thing!

What is right for you, doesn’t work for someone else and visa versa… there are only so many hours in the day, there is only so much that each one of us has to give… It’s so important I’m going to say it twice, there is only so much each one of has to give each and every day, and that’s OK!

Motherhood pushes us to the limit on many occasions, sometimes daily. I have a great friend and mother of four who refers to the time when her kids were all 5 and under as being ‘in the trenches’, my own mother told me recently she still harbors guilt about choices she made for me and my brother.

I can’t tell you that the guilt will go away or stop completely, it seems to be part and parcel of the mothering experience. But, what I strongly suggest for your own sanity, self worth and confidence is to RE-FRAME THE GUILT

Top Tips for Re-framing Motherly Guilt:

• Be more aware of it and change what it means to you
• When the feelings of guilt start to creep in, instead of thinking ‘I am bad’, think that guilt is that feeling which reminds me how much I care and love my child
• Recognise it as one of signs that you are doing a good job
• Remember that you are human, not a magical mothering robot!!
• Remember it is healthy for your children to share and observe a range of normal human emotions
• You are giving your children permission to experience these too (nobody’s perfect, important life lesson ;0))
• Remember the guilt is a reminder that you are a loving and supportive mother
• You are undertaking challenging work and doing a great job

Natalie Alexia

Natalie is a speaker, trainer, life & business coach at Lifeletloose.com. She lives in the O.C, California, with her husband Charlie & children Tallulah 13, Theo 8 and Matilda, 5. In those rare, quiet moments when she is not at work, she can be found writing articles, singing, reading or hanging out by the pool with the kids.

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