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The Loneliness Trap
I’ve had this post rattling around in my brain for a few weeks now, but I’ve had some reservations about whether it’s the right time to write it…
After all, no-one likes a moaner, do they?
Still, over the last week or so paragraphs kept formulating, words kept bouncing about, and I kept coming back to it. And it feels like it needs to be said.
You see, way before I began blogging myself I read A LOT of Mum blogs. I felt comforted by those more honest, rough-around-the-edges accounts of motherhood. Those
These were the posts that helped me navigate loneliness, motherhood and anxiety when I was at a bit of a loss.
The Norm
Now, of course I am grateful – so very very grateful – for my beautiful, healthy, happy kids. I may not spell it out much – for me it is implicit in my role as Mum. My kids are at the core of my beating heart and they make my soul complete. So
But what I have come to realise is that, for me – as it is for the vast majority of mothers – there are times when we are stifled. When we feel like we can’t breathe.
When we are penned in from all sides by the needs and wants of our families, our kids, our partners, and the expectation that we are on tap for everyone. All the time.
We feel touched out and suffocated, and we pine for a moment’s peace, or just a few hours freedom, to feel like ours old selves again, just for a little
And when we read, with tired eyes, those posts extolling the unbridled joy of parenthood – the shiny images of familial perfection from all those Instamums, that sodding piece that does the rounds on Facebook about how ‘You Only Have 18 Summers’ (Really Linda?… Thanks for pointing that out, I must re-think my whole approach to life in general now I know that my children will evaporate once they reach voting age) we feel just that bit more crumpled, deflated, guilty and isolated.
It Takes A Village… (In An Ideal
There is a lot of talk about why motherhood seems so hard these days. Mostly, the conclusions that we come to all boil down to the whole ‘it takes a village’ thing.
Back in the day, not so long ago, children were generally raised around family, both immediate and extended, within a local community. There were many hands on hand, shoulders to cry on, and tables at which to sit and share the highs and lows of the rollercoaster that is child-rearing.
Nowadays, much of society doesn’t work this way. Lots of us are raising children in a
Unless we are one of the lucky ones, surrounded locally by old friends or perhaps siblings who became Mums at a similar time, we can easily find ourselves surrounded by kids and chaos, complete with that claustrophobic yearning for freedom and a moment’s peace and quiet, and yet feel heartsick and alone, for lack of our own tribe.
Each To Their Own
I am a Mum with three young children. I freelance around what scant childcare arrangements I can afford.
Sometimes it’s wonderful. But it’s always, always, busy.
Fundamentally, life gets in the way. Curveballs get thrown. You might have a new baby. Your kids might get ill, or not sleep for months on end, leaving you exhausted and demotivated.
It’s hard, and many friendships fall by the wayside. We get wrapped up in getting the day-to-day done as life flies right past us.
Our social lives can reduce down to play-dates and interrupted chats over tepid coffee whilst trying to
I think it’s possibly the hardest time of our lives in which to sustain our existing relationships, let alone cultivate friendships that are meaningful and sustainable over time.
The Brain’s Very Own Social Sabotage Strategy
Considering all these hurdles put in front of us during our prime motherhood years, it seems so unfair that it’s also
The pressure of motherhood often causes anxiety and other mental health problems to bloom, often exacerbated by common themes – PND, exhaustion, low self esteem, baby loss and battered self image to name but a few.
Whatever the reason, it’s estimated that 1 in 3 mothers struggle with mental health issues. And sadly this only serves to make us more isolated. Personally, I struggle with social anxiety and GAD (generalised anxiety disorder), bouts of depression, and a
My friendship groups of old have by and large disbanded. Scattered around the UK, some further afield. But in truth, I struggle to maintain contact with everyone, even those few who live within a few miles of me.
Hand on heart I can tell you that I am desperate to keep things going, but when my plans aren’t squashed by my kids getting sick, or my childcare falling through, my weird brain often sabotages my social life.
I make lovely plans to go out, but then as the night
Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts. I might start to obsess about getting hurt whilst I’m out. Mostly though, I obsess about something awful happening at home in my absence. My toddler choking. My eldest falling down the stairs and breaking her neck. My five year old climbing out of his bedroom window and tumbling to the ground below.
As much as I
I usually end up cancelling.
I inevitably regret it afterwards.
I’ve missed out on seeing my friends. I’ve let them down again, and I feel sad, and guilty and more alone than ever.
And I know that it’s my own damn fault.
Understandably…
Over the past few years, my social
As much as I might not like to admit it, most of my friendships have suffered, even the strongest, longest serving ones. Days become weeks and weeks become months. And sadly, sometimes months become years until those relationships fade into obscurity.
It’s understandable that, over time, even the most tolerant and understanding of friends begin to lose patience. After all – even the best of us would begin to waver, when wave after wave of invitation gets rebuffed. How
Not exactly dependable really, is it? Not exactly a model of ideal friendship. I can’t exactly say “I’m always here for you” when from time to time I disappear into a hole with zero explanation.
So how to I mend this?
Can You Avoid The Loneliness Trap?
I know there are other Mums out there (like you, perhaps? After all, here you are, still reading…) who are struggling with feelings of isolation, struggling to keep their dwindling social lives afloat.
If you are an anxious Mum, avoiding the loneliness trap sometimes seems hopeless and impossible. But I still believe we can help ourselves to beat it. I’ve given it a lot of thought lately.
What works for me might not work for you, obvs. But, that said, here are some of the things I think I can do to take back some control. Whether you follow my lead or these just provide you with some inspiration, I’m hoping you’ll find these
1.) Reach Out To Your Friends
Even if it’s been a while.
Don’t try to arrange something you won’t be able to stick to if you’re struggling, ask them over for a cuppa. Arrange something that you know you’ll be comfortable with.
Make the effort, rather than waiting for them to contact you.
2.) Talk To Your Friends About Your Mental Health
I realised fairly recently, that I hadn’t really truly discussed my behaviour directly with any of my friends in much detail. Mainly because everyone just sort of accepted that I had
When I started thinking about it from their perspective I was struck by how hurtful my absences might seem in the absence of a proper explanation, and I understood that I really do owe them that.
3.) Take Ownership
Yes, it can be really hard, but your actions are still your actions, and you are still accountable for them.
I know I need to own up. To say sorry, and to make a promise to be honest about my reasons for breaking plans in the future.
Owning your
4.) Tell Your Friends What They Mean To You
… And tell them that you get it. Tell them that you understand how hard it must be to keep being around for someone who hasn’t always reciprocated. Tell them that you do think about them, you do miss them, and you’re grateful for them.
And thank them for being there.
And That’s It
I wish I could tie this
Ultimately what it all boils down to it this:
Keep trying. Keep talking. Own your actions and try get yourself out there. Small steps are better than none.
And if you stumble across the magic recipe to fix it all in one fell swoop, let me know xx
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