The Long List of Men I would Leave My Husband For

notaneffingfairytale - 15 Aug 16

Everyone has this list, right? Granted, it’s probably not as random as mine, but we wouldn’t be normal if we didn’t hanker after something or someone else at the end of the day – especially after a day of arguing over who loaded the dishwasher wrong or who put the dent in the car.

Real life can be boring and mundane, so why not spice things up by thinking about all the people you would actually leave your significant other for?

It’s not all about looks and it’s not all about fame. But let’s be honest here – you don’t know how hot my gardener is and I would look deranged if I knocked on his door just to take a photo to show you all. So I have complied a list of celebrities who if they gave me the nod, I would be out of the door like a shot without a backwards glance for.

This list is not all about looks either. There are some right mingers (in my opinion) on this list BUT a potential husband also needs to be funny and/or useful, right? After much deliberation, I have narrowed it down to ten. Two of them are dead, but we’ll gloss over that for now.

1) Tom Cruise because can you imagine how good he would be at getting rid of Jehovah’s witnesses?

JW: “Good morning”

Me: “Hang on, let me get my husband – Tom! Toooooooom! Stop jumping on the sofa and come here a sec”

Tom: “Hiiiiiii! Have you heard about the Church of Scientology?’’

They would NEVER come knocking again.

2) Orlando bloom in light of the recent cock shots. Not because of his cock, I just think it would be hilarious to have a boyfriend who got his cock out on the beach. (Katy Perry obviously doesn’t share my sense of humor).

3) Ricky Gervaise. Balls out the bath now, I will admit to fancying him. Plus he’s funny. Plus he’s loaded. And he likes cats. And he could pretend to be David Brent in bed.

4) David Beckham – Ok so this one is ALL about looks, dear god, have you heard the bloke speak? There is the potential for a really dirty joke here. Oh fuck it, I’ll write it – I’d sit on his face so I couldn’t hear him talk.

5) That one from that thing, you know, the comedy with Miranda in it. Miranda. The bloke who works in the bar. He seems nice, only I don’t think he is in real life. I think he might be the one who was married to Mel from Eastenders and then ran off and left her and won’t pay child maintenance.

6) All of McFly. Especially the one I think is called Danny. THIS IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS. And while I’m at it, all of Busted Especially Matt. Woof Woof.

7) Finn from Hollyoaks and Holby City. Not only is he fit, but also in real life, he’s a stand up comic. I could ties him up in the basement and make him write for me. Sorry, I mean, he could make me laugh (Edit to add I’ve just watched his stand up routine. Oh dear. He would not make me laugh. But he could pay me to write him sets, so win win).

8) Kurt Cobain. If he was more, you know, alive.

9) Ditto Heath Ledger.

10) Robbie Williams. I know he’s gone all grey now and is a bit of an old wanker, but I have had a thing for Robbie since I was 13. I once met him in a celeb hang out and he asked me if I knew where he could get some coke. I thought he meant the drink so I said I would by him one at the bar. He gave me a funny look and ignored me for the rest of the evening. It was only when I got home I realised my mistake. We could’ve been married by now if I hadn’t have been such a naive fool.

notaneffingfairytale

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