The missing part of me is 6,000 miles away

Yours, Carolina - 18 Mar 17

Ok, so I’m in Starbucks. Not very original I know, but it was important to just get out of the house and start writing. Leaving a perfectly good, if messy office, to sit amongst other people so my writing doesn’t feel quite such a solo pursuit.

I am feeling a bit lonely. There I’ve said it. Lonely. Usually when I write it’s the last thing I feel because the writing keeps me company. It entertains me and has me absorbed and then when I’ve finished what I wanted to say I can return to the world and be sociable again. Turn the radio back on, allow noise and distraction in. It’s a little like meditating, you don’t want the phone to ping with a text message halfway through your visualisations.

But here I am surrounded by distraction, noises and smells. I don’t even have much time, it’s not exactly the most relaxing environment, but it is where I want to be right now, around people.

I’m feeling this lonliness because for short intervals of time I am getting used to being part of a couple and when we’re not together I find the transition to just me again pretty hard. A long distance relationship I suppose you’d call it, but it doesn’t feel like there’s distance between us. I always feel connected to him. I miss the everydayness of being together. Holding hands as we walk next to each other, watching him brushing his teeth standing behind me, cooking together, waking up together. I miss his smell and the way he feels when I put my head on his chest to sleep. These are all physical things. The thing that I miss the most is how I feel with him, that completeness; how it feels to be in a relationship with him. It might not be a straightforward relationship, but it is just the same, our normal for now.

I know my feelings of separation will fade over the hours and days ahead as I reacclimatise to not having him around. I wonder how many of you reading this have felt the same.

I am perfectly happy on my own. My children keep me busy and I have wonderful friends and fun things to do with my friends and my children. I am working hard to keep my life going in the right direction but despite all this ballast I feel unweighted temporarily when we say goodbye. Then this shifting occurs, like the natural settling of a new-build house and then the status quo returns.

I suppose in the time it takes to get to know someone and work out if you’ve got a future together there is always this period of time. In the old days they used to call it courting. I am enjoying getting to know this man. I am enjoying our courting. It is wildly romantic and fun. All the things we are doing, all the things we want to experience together, the places we want to go, the future we might have. I wonder if these are the golden days, the ones with no reality. We have our reality, and it’s real. What I mean is the stuff of life. This is what I want to share with him when the time is right, the little things that make up the big things that in turn make our lives complete.

I have plans and dreams for my future and hopes for my children’s future. I hope they will find something that makes them happy and fulfilled. I hope they will find people in their lives that enrich it. I hope they feel they live to their full potential. I just wish them happiness and peace of mind.

For me I want this love in my life for as long as I’m lucky enough to have it. I want to grow old with this man and enjoy all the things we love together. I want to share my life with him. Yes he makes me happy but I am happy anyway with what I am doing, he just enhances what I have.

We were recently on a Eurostar train and sitting across the aisle from us were a couple in their late 60s. They were holding hands and talking animately with each other, and I looked at my man and smiled. This was what I wanted for us. Holding hands and laughing together, enjoying life together. Sharing our life together. Wherever life takes us, I would go with him.

I have always been an independent person, I follow my own path. My path is usually off the beaten track and against what other people seem to do. I will always be independent of mind, but with this man I want to be independent individuals together. Respectful and understanding of the quiet and the solitude needed sometimes, especially when I’m writing!

When we first met, he told me he didn’t like anyone in the kitchen when he cooked. Now we always cook together, it’s become one of the things we love to do. I like to learn new things and taste new tastes. And I particularly like doing this with him. It really is better if you have someone to share your passions with.

I love to show him my writing to see what he thinks of it. He is always supportive and encouraging and I know he enjoys reading what I’ve written.

So, back to this rather cold and gloomy day as viewed through the big plate glass Starbucks window. I have enjoyed being surrounded by people today but my warmth is coming from the love I know I have from the man I have re-met after so many years.

I hope dear reader, your view today is warm on the inside like mine is.

1. Yours, Carolina

Yours, Carolina

Writer and aspiring novelist who loves Jaffa Cakes, Michael Buble, Colin Firth, Audrey Hepburn, dramatic eyeliner and laughing until it hurts. Has children, which is nice. Once drank a whole bottle of tabasco sauce for a bet. Childhood crushes included Poncherello from Chips, Monkey (from Monkey Magic), Mr Claypole from Rentaghost and both of the Dukes of Hazzard boys. Doesn't like noodles.

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